Yeah... So That Didn't Happen... Twice

So That Didn't Happen #1

Bill and his girlfriend are still together. Living together.

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So That Didn't Happen #2

I don't think the Alejandro thing is going to happen. He basically told me to have a nice life.

He emailed:
I am going to NY at the end of this week and then China for 2 weeks. Too bad, it would have been nice knowing you...Good luck with everything. Take care!

I wrote:
Ditto. You too. Safe travels.

He replied:
Hey, looks that I am not going to NY after all! Let's do something on Sunday or Monday if you're available...

I wrote:
I don't get back to DC until really late Sunday night. But I'm taking the next day off so I can do an early lunch on Monday. I have to be somewhere at 2:15p but I'm free until then.

He didn't reply.

A possible Crush

So a friend asked me last weekend if I found Bill, a mutual friend, attractive. I responded quickly with the affirmative and he replied, "interesting" then said nothing. I looked at him inquisitvely and his husband said, "He thinks he's single and you guys could be good together." Interesting, indeed.

Bill has been in a relationship for ages and ages and recently relocated to be with his girlfriend. The debate was whether or not they were still together. Nobody wanted to ask so there was just speculation and patience until Bill felt comfortable disclosing.

I kind of forgot about it - the idea of Bill and me - until this morning, when my alarm went off at 5:00a and I procrastinated getting up by looking at Facebook. I checked my feed -- nothing interesting -- so I checked Bill's page, to see what he was up to, if he was listed as single, in a relationship, in DC, etc.

Now, I haven't thought about this guy in a while and I don't think I've ever thought of him romantically. Oh wait... who am I kidding? Yes, I have. I'm such a bad liar. I have thought of him that way because he's super nice and cute and good friends with some of my good friends, which means he must be super awesome.

So now I wait to see if:
1) He is single
2) He is in the area
3) He wants to even think about someone after getting out of a relationship
4) I'm not too mainstream/workaholic for him.

But I think I can say he is officially a crush. If he's single and anything happens, I'll let you know.

Encouragement for a Third Date

I was at work yesterday afternoon when I received three messages about this blog. One friend chat me at 3:38p and said he was catching up on the "trials and tribulations of Betti" and asked for real-life identities of certain people mentioned. I didn't give him names because, well, the fake anonymity is half the fun.

I then got a gchat from Dolly and a Facebook message from Tei both at 3:45p. (See below.) It appears nobody wants to work on a Friday afternoon. I'm no different, I was probably checking out Zappos at the time.

Dolly:
hi friend
go out w/ alejandro!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niqrrmev4mA&ob=av3e

Tei:
Just got caught up on your churning blog (am now running ten minutes late for work). Please have a passionate love affair with Alejandro.

After chatting and Facebook messaging with my friends I decided I should email Alejandro and ask him out one more time. So I did. I asked if he was free on Sunday or Monday this week. He wrote back and asked if I was free at 5:00p. (Attempt at a bad joke: It appears we already have an issues with communication. Haha. Is that funny? I don't think so either...) I'm not sure which day he was refering to or if we'll find a time that works. But if we do I'll let you know.

Dude Has My Number

... figuratively anyway.

I went out with Alejandro on Monday night and was surprised by how much fun I had. He is funny and charming and thoughtful.

I mentioned on our first date that I really liked Greek food and only realized while I was ordering Shawarma that he had likely selected the Restaurant because I had mentioned it was one of my favorite types of food.

I immediately thought, "Crap. Could I fall for this guy?"

Why my initial thought involved the word, "crap" I'm not quite sure. Other than the fact that I've been hurt in the past and maybe my wall is higher and thicker than I thought.

So we're at dinner (yes, I broke my no dinner until the 4th date rule) and everything is perfectly lovely. The conversation is engaging. He is interesting and he seems to like me.

I say this because he told me that he enjoyed my company after I asked if he should be working and apologized if I was keeping him.

"You're not keeping me," he said, "I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be." Hmmm. Line or authentic? It seemed authentic. He seems like a genuinely nice guy.

Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster, I'm jaded, huh?

So anyway, I had a great time. We were at the restaurant for a little over two hours. The conversation was nice, but I did find myself pretty consistently wishing it would end. I'm not sure if this is because I'm not into Alejandro or because I'm not actually ready to date or because his name isn't Max.

I have a feeling a lot of women would like to be wined and dined by Alejandro. He is attractive, European, probably sounds like a movie star when speaking Italian, is respectful, kind and thoughtful. I think he needs a woman who wants to be a woman of leisure. He told me he wants to retire at 45 and travel the world. I want to be a Presidential appointee and work forever. He travels to Manhattan two to three times a month. I go to fencing practice and hang out with my friends and dog. Maybe I am too simple for Alejandro. Maybe he is too exotic for me. I don't know...

We discussed our schedules for the following week. He asked when I was available. I told him I was free this weekend and he said weekends were the hardest for him. Dilema. (Betti Past: I used to date and live with a bartender, it is really hard to be in a relationship with someone when your work hours are reversed.)

After about two hours I asked him if he had a lot of work to do that night. (He had mentioned that he wasn't sleeping very much because of all of his projects. Then he ordered a double espresso because he had to work all night.) He said, "I get it. You want to go home. I'll pay the tab." OOPS. Yes, true. The dude totally called me out. He has my number. There is no bullshitting, which I am used to delivering but not receiving, if that makes any sense.

When we left he didn't try to hug me. (Thank you Flying Spaghetti Monster!) And he told me he wasn't going to ask for my number. He said he would like to see me again but if I wanted to see him I would have to contact him. He said there was no pressure but if people want to have enjoyment in their lives they need to make time for it. Doh! Again, he is on to me.

I have yet to write to Alejandro. I don't know what I want to do. I'm not sure if I'm attracted to him. I'm not sure if I'm interested in him. I definitely enjoy his company but I'm not sure what else, if anything, I would like to develop.

If I contact him and we go out again, I will let you know.

For the record: He paid.

Back to Reality

I have a date with Alejandro tonight. We planned this last Thursday. I wish I was as excited to see him as I would be to see Max. But Max isn't going to happen so I have to get back to the churn. And hopefully find a "Max" in DC. I'll let you all know how it goes.

Sometimes it isn't Meant to Be

I met, or should I say re-met, a dude from my past this past weekend at the Redskins game. It was my first NFL game ever and I was pretty excited to tailgate and do other football type things.

I was sitting, drinking a glass of wine and enjoying a cheese I can't pronounce (my football friends are fancy, huh?) when I saw this dude a few cars down who looked familiar. Ten seconds later I recognized him and remembered where I knew him from. It was Max, a friend of my sister's growing up.

He must have noticed and recognized me as well because we made eye contact and smiled.

Approximately eight minutes later, okay exactly eight minutes later - I'm a bit of a watch addict - I got a text message from my little sister saying, "Do you remember my friend Max Smithjones? From home? The one who moved to SF? He just texted to ask you were single. Want me to tell him you are?"

I replied, "He'll to the yes." which was supposed to be 'hell'. Damn Apple autocorrect.

Four minutes later Max approached me and said hi. We talked for a bit. He was cuter than I remember. Just as smart, he was always smart, but cuter, nicer, more engaging, etc. He was the epitome of the bee's knees.

After a while we went our separate ways to go into the game. We exchanged numbers and said we'd meet up after the game.

First time tailgating = major success!

We met up after the game and got dinner and drinks. Eventually we ditched our friends and got more drinks, then late night snacks. We talked and hung out until the day turned to night and the night turned to day. It was better than super, it was super duper.

Then he had to leave. He was only in town for the weekend and had a flight at 7:00a back to San Francisco.

Luckily today is Columbus Day and I didn't have to go to work, instead I could sleep, detox and revel in my bliss. I've had a shit-eating grin on my face all day. I feel that tingling feeling you get when you meet someone you really click with. You know that feeling? Like there's magic in the air and everything is electric and reminds you of that person?

Max is kind of awesome and I really dug hanging out with him. When we were chatting I felt that thing that I've been missing with every guy I've churned with this time around. Excitement, maybe attraction, I'm not sure how to describe it, it's just that thing. I want that thing.

There's something romantic about falling for the proverbial boy next door. That could have added to the magic of the evening. I don't know what was real and what was just unsustainable magic. But for a night the cracks of my lonely heart were filled and I was happy.

I know one night isn't a realistic barometer for what could be with another person. And I know that I likely got swept up in the whole thing because I knew it would only be for a night. I know me and Max aren't meant to be. We live separate lives on separate coasts. And I have roots here that aren't something I would want to pull up. I guess sometimes, it just isn't meant to be.

Best Worst Pickup Line Ever

I was out tonight with Belle. While she was in the bathroom a dude came up to me and started chatting. The conversation was typical bar chatter until he said the most ridiculous line I've ever heard that I had to write about.

He literally said to me, a white chick from New England with French Canadian and Welsch / Scottish / Irish ancestry, "Are you Iranian or Persian? Because you're so exotic and mysterious." Hahahaha! Hahaha! Hahahaha! I laughed out loud. And then I assured him that I would not be going home with him to which he responded, "Why are you so conservative? Are you a Republican?" Um, no. Haha. Ridiculous. Then he left.

I Have Two Balls

I had a drink with Alejandro last night. I was early so I decided to make a pit stop. I really didn't want to sit there for a long time and look like I was waiting for a first date, because, in my opinion, you can totally tell the people who are sitting waiting for a blind/first date. They look awkward and nervous, etc. I wanted to minimize that time. I stopped off to get breath treats for my dog. (Her breath stinks.) I realized too late I had now had a giant bag of stinky dog treats weighing down my purse and stinking up my first date. Crap.

So there I am with a stinky bag hanging on the back of my chair, still five minutes early. Waiting. Waiting. I fidget, then I look at the menu. Four times. I'm not used to being early. I tried not to play with my phone too much and not to look like a chick meeting a dude she met on craigslist who could be a European little person for a first date. He arrived ten minutes late saying parking was tough. I ordered a glass of white wine immediately.

I had emailed Alejandro before I left the office to let him know what I was wearing so we could find one another. He replied saying, "Cool... Look for the guy with the sombrero hat ( kidding )... I'll find you!" I literally LOLed when I read it so I was hoping there would be laughter on the date as well. There was.

Okay, so first impressions: dude is funny, attractive and smells odd yet intriguing. He sat down and was accompanied by a combined scent of smoky Patouli and black pepper. Totally unique. He was wearing a thick gold chain with a large gold cross. I know it is closed-minded of me but I am sometimes weirded out by dates who wear a bold religious icon on their person. I was not raised religious and honestly feel more comfortable around non-practicing peeps. It certainly isn't a deal breaker, but if someone is super religious we probably wouldn't be a match. (Side note: I always wished a little bit that I had been raised with religion so I could choose whether or not to accept it. Also, I would be stronger when religion categories came up on Jeopardy.) Anyway...

He apologized for being late. And we talked and we laughed. He grew up between Italy and Romania. He said he was tired and that when he's sleepy his English gets worse. Why was he tired? Glad you asked. His neighbor got a rooster. A pet rooster! Is that even legal? What would you do if your neighbor got a pet rooster who woke you up at 6:00a on the nose every morning?

He is a huge soccer fan. Not a big baseball fan. (At this point I spent about five solid minutes telling him of the awesomeness of my favorite team and their stadium.) He said he found baseball boring but he had a baseball glove at home. I replied by asking if he had a ball so he could play catch. He then said that he had two balls. Okay. So. It took all of my inner strength not to giggle inappropriately when he said he had two balls. I am a 13 year old. There was no impression that he said it to be creepy or funny, he just said it, "I have two balls." Maybe the ball jokes don't translate. I am literally chuckling as I write thinking about how he said it.  "I have two balls..." Haha... It's still funny...

We talked for about an hour. He was really entertaining. He told me he was pleasantly surprised that I was normal. He said that he had received a number of really inappropriate emails from women with suggestive language and photos. I wrote about "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia". It is finally occurring to me how naive I am when it comes to creepers on the interwebs.

I had told him when I arrived that I had prior plans with friends and could only stay for an hour. After the hour he asked if I had to go. I told him yes and he told me I didn't need to wait for him to finish paying the tab. I asked if he minded if I dug out and he assured me he didn't so I thanked him for my drink and left the restaurant. No awkward goodbye. Huzzah!

He told me he'd like to get together again. Did I like him? Yes. Did I laugh? Yes. Did I enjoy his company? Yes. Did I want to stick my tongue down his throat? Not even a little. Will I go out with him again if he asks? Sure, but mostly to meet the one data a week quota I've been having a hard time meeting. This one wasn't a love match, but he is a nice, attractive, funny guy who I kind of want to set up with a friend.

For the record: He paid.

Maybe He Thinks You Have a Lazy Eye

Alejandro replied so we're on like Donkey Kong. Drinks at 6:30p. He requested another picture (I still haven't sent a second one) where I'm not wearing sunglasses. So instead of wondering if I look like a centaur he's likely wondering if I'm a pirate. With an eye patch. And maybe a parrot. Or he's curious why my future's so bright I gotta wear shades.

I told Tyler about this photo request over gchat:

me: he asked for a pic that doesn't have me in sunglasses

Tyler: maybe he thinks you have a lazy eye

me: or a glass eye

Tyler: I got asked out by a guy with a lazy eye on the internet
and I asked him for a pic without sunglasses and his eye was all googly
and I obviously backed out because I'm superficial

I'll fill you all in on how the date with the mini European who doesn't want to date a lazy eyed centaur turns out.

Drinks in an Alley

Alejandro wrote back yesterday evening just before I left the office to tell me he could make drinks tonight (Tuesday). Awesome. His email contained several questions:

Tomorrow it's good too! This would give me more opportunities to find out more about you ;). The picture you sent me it's a pretty cool one but do you have another one..? Where do you like to go out? What's your weapon of choice when comes to having fun? How tall are you, what kind of dog you have( hopefully not too many questions )?

Alright, let's evaluate this email... Should I read into it? Probably not. Will I read into it anyway? Absolutely.

Tomorrow it's good too! This would give me more opportunities to find out more about you ;)
Exclamation point about drinks today. Awesome. Winky emoticon. Undecided.


The picture you sent me it's a pretty cool one but do you have another one..?
He wants to see another picture of me. Interesting. I initially sent him a cropped pic of me, from the waist up, that is my current Facebook profile. I'm wearing sunglasses but I got my hair 'did' that day so I like the photo. But I can see him wanting to see another one, maybe my bottom half is that of a horse like a centaur. (Is anyone else super excited to see the final Harry Potter movies? I am! Anyway...) So all in all, not too weird to request an additional photo when you're meeting a stranger (read: potential crazy person) from craigslist.

Where do you like to go out?
Seems normal enough. And since he works in the wine industry I assume he's interested in food, wine, dining, etc. Totally normal question.

What's your weapon of choice when comes to having fun?
I have no idea what this means and now I'm a bit freaked out. Betti, stop reading too much into this single paragraph email.

How tall are you?
He's a little person.


What kind of dog you have?
I love my dog and could talk about her all day plus I asked about his dog in the prior email. Normal.

All in all, I'm excited to meet Alejandro. I wrote back to his email, asked where and when he wanted to meet tonight and answered everything other than the weird weapon question. Hopefully he'll write back and suggest a familiar place. I told Kitty about the date and she said, "Make sure where you meet him for drinks isn't in an alley because you will get murdered. Go to well lit, busy restaurants."

When I read that I chuckled for two reasons. #1 All of my friends think finding a date on craigslist will result in me being murdered and when they mention this to me all I think is, "If I get murdered on a date with a dude from craigslist I should have bought that DVF dress I saw on Sunday." The thought is, in and of itself ridiculous and that is why I chuckle. #2 I don't go to dinner with people on a first date. I am like Braney Stinson. Dinner is too intimate for a first date in my opinion. Drinks or coffee. Then if you like eachother enough after a couple dates you can try dinner. But what do I know..? I'm single.

You're Going to get Murdered

I tried networking to get dates and that didn't work. I tried having friends set me up and that didn't work. I tried new activities and that didn't work. So I am back to the Internet. I emailed a dude from Craigslist this morning, to which one of my friends told me via gchat, "you're going to get murdered".

I told her I know people who have found success on Craigslist. And I stand by the hypothesis that it is better for my mental health than standard online dating.

Like I said, I emailed this dude this morning. His name is Alejandro. He is European and works in the wine industry. He is 33, has a dog and is established in the area. He is educated and seems interesting. He asked me out for a "drink and healthy conversation" this evening. I would totally go but I have plans with a friend right after work and then fencing practice. And I am actively trying not to ditch my own plans for a dude no matter how excited I get about him or the idea of him. (That was something I did in my 20s.)

Am I getting excited about a guy? I don't know. Jury is still out on that one.

I told him I was on a fencing team and had practice but asked if he was free tomorrow evening. If he's free maybe we'll meet up. And if we do I'll tell you about it.

Wow! That is Amazingly Awkward!

I have been trying to find ways to meet dudes in the District that don't involve online dating. And to say it's been challenging would be an understatement. (I'm a month away from seeing if I can import some men from somewhere. Maybe Buenos Aires or Rome or Cleveland.) But in the meantime I am going to try and use my rusty networking skills to find dates.

I have been telling people about churning (without referring to it as churning). Telling them that I am recently single and trying to meet people and date. And asking them if they know anyone who would be willing to go out with me or set me up with someone they know.

Side note: How long until I can no longer say I'm recently single?

Anyway, so I told this guy on my fencing team that I was trying to go on dates. (I had to tell him the story of my breakup, which was always fun. Read: sucks more each time I tell it which is weird because I care less each time.) He told me there were a lot of single, nerdy guys at his office. (I love me some nerdy dudes.) He also said that he had a colleague who likes to play matchmaker. He asked if he could give her my contact information. I said sure!

She emailed me the following messages shortly thereafter:

"I have a few men in mind, would you be offended if I asked you to send me a picture and maybe some of your hobbies, what you do job wise, went to school etc. where you are from?? "

"... you should consider coming out to one of my work networking events as well, many men in this building don't want to date folks that work here, thus a perfect way to meet men who are looking for companion ship, a mate, partner, etc."

I sent them to Kitty, who replied, "Wow! That is Amazingly Awkward!"

I replied to the Matchmaker's email with all of the requested information and have yet to hear back. Hopefully she'll find a nerdy dude or two to set me up with in the near future. If she does, I'll let you know.

Balls.

Irene's friend wrote back. Mr Shit-Together is single. Yay! And just moved to the Middle East. Balls. At least this is one guy with whom I didn't have an awkward goodbye. I can only forsee now when I'm on my iPhone on the can (you know you take your phone to the bathroom to keep you company) I will be reading mobile news and thinking about the one who got away.

Mr Sh*t-Together

My friend Irene thinks she found the perfect guy for me. He's a friend of a friend of hers. He's a bit older, lives in the district, seems cool and nice and funny, is attractive, drinks beer and has his "shit together".  I will from now on refer to him as "Mr Shit-Together".

She said that she met up with him and some other friends to have drinks ages ago and thought he would be perfect for me. However, at the time, I was dating my ex so she never told me about him. But now I am single -- so very, very single.

Irene mentioned him a few months ago, when I first got back on the market - or reluctantly dove out to sea, or whatever dating pool metaphor is yours of choice - but I told her I wouldn't be ready to date someone worthwhile until probably September. (I didn't want to risk having Mr Shit-Together be my rebound guy and waste him.) Well, it's September so I asked her if she would contact her friend to see if Mr Shit-Together is single and willing to go out on a blind date with yours truly. She sent the text. Huzzah! I will let you know what happens.

She Shoots! She Misses! She's Always Sucked at Sports.

I met up with a bunch of friends at a bar this weekend. And the mouse guy came. It was a super fun night. But alas, it is not a love match. He was hitting on other girls, which is totally fine because we hadn't gone on an actual date yet. But I don't want a guy with whom I'm interested flirting with anyone but me. Call me selfish or old-fashioned, but the beginning of a relationship should start with sparks and not waterproof matches that you actively try to ignite. But all in all, a fun weekend and a new friend. Back to the churning drawing board.

Possible Progress

I asked the mouse guy if he wanted to join me and some friends at a neighborhood dive bar. Let me step back for a moment...

I found out (via our daily emails) that the mouse guy lives in my 'hood. Convenient, huh? And that he likes dive bars, which is good because I'd be hard pressed to dig a dude who didn't like to drink a PBR out of a can without a tourist in sight.

So I told him that some friends and I were going to be going to this local watering hole last night and asked if he wanted to join. He did. Hooray! Then I realized I needed a couple of people to go as well because, dammit, I asked him to hang out with some friends and I didn't actually ask any friends. Oops.

I emailed, gchat and texted some pals and gathered four others to join. I literally said, "Hey friend. So I asked this dude - who I may or may not be interested in - if he wanted to go out with me and some friends. He said, "yes" so now I need friends. What are you doing Thursday night?"

This is new for me. I usually don't have my friends meet guys in whom I'm interested in until after several dates but, let's face it, what I've been doing isn't working so I figured I'd try something new.

So we all show up and it's totally normal. Well, close to normal. There is a little bit of awkward, but fingers crossed most of it was in my head. My friend Irene joined and I asked her opinion afterward. She said he seemed nice and interesting and funny and confident and interested in me. All good things. Yay.

Of course, I wouldn't be Betti if there wasn't an awkward goodbye associated with the evening. He walked me home, as did two of my friends so they were there to witness the goodbye. He had a bike so I was hoping I wouldn't have to hug him. It went down like this --- "Okay! Thanks! Bye!" --- I literally yelled that at everyone collectively and ran into my apartment without any physical interaction. I later asked Irene on a scale from 1-10 how awkward was the goodbye, she said five. Oh boy.

The jury is still out, I'm not sure if I like him as more than a friend or not but he seems cool so at worst, I'll have a new friend. And I like new friends.

Patience, She's a Bitch

I met a guy at a friend's party. I believe he was the only single, straight male at the party with whom I wasn't already friends. I (shockingly) had a hangover and wasn't really paying attention to the way I was portraying myself. I certainly wasn't trying to be charming. We chatted for a bit and I left the party.

The next Monday at work I got his email address from the party host and contacted him about the only thing my booze-rittled brain could remember -- mice. We had talked about the fact that both of us had mice in our homes. I sent him an email about mice (ridiculous, I know) and pretended that I forgot the name of the product he mentioned.

I felt so silly pretending not to know how to use the Google. He had to know, right? He had to know that a professional woman in her 30s can put the name of a product and/or its uses into a search engine and determine what would best suit her needs. But I sent the email, with a question about this stuff that he said worked to get rid of mice. I feel silly writing about it now. It was an effort to not be my normal, extra-aggressive extroverted self and initiate conversation to see if he would take the lead.

Being patient and not just asking someone out is *so* not my speed. I am used to asking for what I want, which is likely why I'm single.  I am trying to play the girl card, if that's what it is, where I let him know I am interested and see if the interest is reciprocated in a way that results in him asking me out.

We've been emailing about once a day. So far he hasn't asked me out. If he does, I'll let you know.

Farts are Funny..?

So I haven't been blogging. Sorry. I have been doubting the churn. Papa Churn will be disappointed. I'll write more about the past two weeks later but I thought I'd get back into the blogging swing of things with a quick post about something that just happened to me.

I have a friend, his name is Tyler. And he's super. He's one of those friends that always makes you smile and cheers you up, makes you laugh and brightens your day. If you don't have a friend like Tyler, you should get one. Tyler and I recently discovered that we both think talking about farts and poop is funny.

Just tonight I saw Tyler at fencing practice. (Note: We aren't actually on a fencing team. We're on another kind of team but I've always wanted to pretend I fence, like George Costanza always wanted to be an architect.) Anyway, so we're at practice and I tell Tyler that I had ran there and had to fart during the whole run. As I was navigating the crowded sidewalks I was trying to figure out where I could drop a bomb or cropdust so as to relieve the pressure in my stomach but not fart in the face of a stranger.

I'm telling this story while getting my fencing equipment on and didn't realize that a new team member had come up to my side and I turn to face him as I say, "... I tried to not fart in all of their faces." He looks at me with these pretty brown eyes and a nice smile and says, "Hi. I'm Sam." I am not quite sure if I laughed or looked like someone pants me but I just said, "Hi. I'm Betti."

He turned and walked away and Tyler and I launched into a giggle fit and he said, "I think he's straight too." I'm not sure where he fits in the LGBTQIQ spectrum but he was wearing a really tight, electric blue fencing outfit. Regardless of his sexual orientation or whether he could be a future date for me, now all I can think is --

CRAP! I will forever be the fart girl!

Still in Search of a Dance Partner

This isn't Ted.
It's a kickball game b/t
Yelp and Slide that I
found on the Google.

So I texted Ted like I said I would and asked him to dance.

Me:
Hi Ted. It was nice talking to you yesterday. Any chance you'd like to check out dance lessons at 'Random Latin Dance Club Bar' on Thur night? -Betti

Ted:
It was nice talking to u too. I would but I have kickball on Thu

Me:
Oh fun. Let me know if you'd like to get a drink or something some other time. Good luck at kickball. :)

Ted:
Ok sure

----

Maybe he'll text maybe he won't. But I followed through and I feel good about it. (Not like I feel about the fact that I tossed a smiley face emoticon at the end of that last text. Lame.) Now the ball is in his court, which means I am still in search of  a dance partner.

And P.S. Kickball... really? The dude is totally in his early 20s. Oops.

My beer goggles are better than my glasses

I had my date with Ted yesterday and to say I was pleasantly surprised would be an understatement. He is adorable. Super sweet and holy garbage (!!!) he is easy on the eyes. He was wearing jeans, old school Adidas and a tight tshirt. The dude has arms that made me want to be a hugger. I don't consider myself a super shallow person so that's all I'll say about his appearance.

We met for coffee. I was on time, which was a miracle considering I made a couple of bone-headed decisions before the date and ended up with 10 minutes to get ready. I'm not quite sure why but I thought it was fine to dye my hair and whiten my teeth an hour before my date. Obviously, I am all-natural.

Because I only had 10 minutes, I spent 90 seconds on my makeup and showed up with wet hair. I didn't think that there was any potential for this dude so I didn't put in a whole lot of effort - just goes to show you - being judgemental makes Betti a douchebag with wet hair.

So back to the date - he was early and drinking an iced tea, reading the paper. We chatted for over an hour. (Betti's internal monologue went something like this... There is something sexy about a man in Adidas reading the Post. I like his sneakers. He looks pretty young. I wonder how old he is...)

He lives in my neighborhood. (So convenient.) He has lived in DC for a while. (Great! I don't have to be a tour guide.) He has a dog. (Yay. Me too.) He's an engineer. (Awesome. I like smart guys.) He plays lacrosse. On a team. (Hooray, I'm looking for an active guy who will want to go running with me.) He doesn't drink coffee. (That's cool, I drink enough for the two of us.) He doesn't like having 95 days over 90 degrees. (Me neither, but who does?) He used to work in construction and has remodeled his house. (A home owner who knows how to fix shit? I'm drooling.) He wants to take ballroom dance classes. (Seriously?!? Do you want me to fall in love with you right now?) He's moving to California in October. (Insert sad trombone here.)

So, I am going to see if he wants to be my dance partner until he leaves. I think I'll text him (with proper punctuation and spelling) this evening and see if he wants to try latin dancing tomorrow night. Maybe he'll want to dance with me, maybe he won't. But it's nice to know that my extra thick beer goggles have such good taste.

At the end of the date we walked to the corner and he said, "Good talk." Not sure what that means but it was so weird I wondered if he was going to punch my shoulder in a 'hey old chum' fashion. Regardless I'm going to text him about dancing and if he says yes I'll be sure to let you know.

For the record: I bought my coffee.

Since you asked...

Both the Vet and the Repub (duh) are republicans. Maybe it's just that I'm in that 'peak' age for women, but sex with both is quite great. I think at first I wanted to have some of that bi-partisan rancor that would lead to ideological hate sex with the Repub, but it's really just that we're really sexually compatible. I'm not even sure what made the sex so great - it was actually fairly vanilla, but. Yeah. It was good enough to keep me from moving on when I should (as evidenced by 3 g0-rounds post breakup).

Things with the Vet, however, are going well. The sex is improving as we get our rhythm (HA) and such. This past weekend he took me to a resort town outside Annapolis. It was really a lovely time. I had crabs for the first time, we walked around the town, enjoyed the hotel, had a lovely dinner...and on the way back he took me to Chik fil a. All journeys should end with fried chicken and pickles.

Foggy Meeting Out of my Element

"Hey what's up. It's Ted from acme bar." That was a text I received yesterday at 12:55p. And then the night started coming back to me. After a super fun day bar crawling with some friends I continued the consumption of bad decision juice and must have given my number to a dude at acme bar.

Please note: His name isn't Ted. And acme bar isn't actually the name of the bar, instead it is a bar in DC with dancing and overpriced drinks with a line outside - so not my scene. But as it turns out, 13 hours of overindulgence in bad decision juice can result is lot of out of character fun.

So I get this text from Ted and the foggy memories flow slowy back. I write back the not so clever, "Hi Ted from Acme Bar." To which he responds, "Wats going on?" Really? In this day and age of texting why can't people spell and punctuate correctly? I find it kind of annoying. And I am crap when it comes to grammar so it is kind of the pot calling the kettle black... but I'm okay with it. If you are asking a girl, a guy or a monkey out over text, shouldn't you at least put your best textual foot forward?

Oh balls. I just had a thought, maybe he is 24 years old and grew up texting, not like me, the tech dinosaur (who had a pager that nobody ever called) in high school. Please. Please. Please. Do not be 24 years old.

Anyway, after some more back and forth (with two "yea"s on his part) we decided to meet for a cup of coffee this evening. I'll let you know what happens.

The Death of Summer=The Birth of New Relationships

Namaste my churnlings! Apologies for the prolonged absence, Papa Churn has returned and is on a high fibre diet so I promise to be more regular.

Right my sweet cherubs, Labor Day has arrived and this is prime dating season when everyone's Nicholas Sparks white washed esque romances have died like the asparagus at Giant and people are getting serious about relationships in order to hunker down when the cold weather draws in. We are all programmed like school children that this is the real beginning of the year, when people buy their school supplies, take stock and think; 'hmmm wouldn't it be nice to meet someone to kick the autumn leaves with?'. Take advantage and churn churn churn.

Well what progress we have made sweet chick-a-dees.

Betti-did not wise old man Papa predict you would burn out? You were like a puppy released into a lush green field, you ran around, got tired and are now refusing to get back in the car. Fear not young pup, I will rub your belly with sage nuggets of advice. Firstly to answer your plea for help. WHO SHOULD I DATE? Should you be dating trolls? No. Should you be dating people you are not the least attracted to? No. Should you not date someone because they snort when they laugh or have six fingers on one hand? The choice, my young liege is yours.

The act of churning is two fold; one to prepare you for dates you actually want to go on and two to put you out there so you may meet people outside of your comfort zone. Betti I cannot make this choice for you. You need to look within yourself young one and find the balance between people you think have the potential to be interesting past three dates and then people you clearly have no business dating because they are fifty year old men with mullets.

rick.mark.steve.
Big gold star for you. 8 pack sounds great and I think you would be insane to stop dating him. We do not all run at the same speed on the treadmill of life. Allow 8 pack to answer his own questions while grating the cheese for your dinner with his abs. As for the comment 'why is he dating me'. You need a big ass Alexis Colby bitch slap and to be thrown down a marble staircase. Get some self respect and some capital letters. For a man with three names you need to get some more confidence! Translation: your adorable and don't forget it!


Claudia, good job on juggling so many dates. It is not my place to pass judgement but; sex with a republican? Do share!

Kitty, welcome to the fold. Who are these terrible people hosting a singles BBQ? It's either genius, because everyones ideal is to meet someone through friends or hell on earth. It may be an awful process but with great benefits. Pray do tell!

Belle of the ball where ye be? Shacked up somewhere in a bed of sin. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Roll on fall, the season of romantics!

Papa Churn

You Need to Work on Your Face

So I didn't have a date last week but I did do something new. Hip hop dance class! That's right boys and girls, ladies and gentleman, fish and donkeys -- I took a dance class. A hip hop dance class. So I can dance at clubs (come on, you know I don't really go to clubs) and bars and parties.

The class is four sessions long and filled with the most remarkably awkward people I have ever met in my life. Believe it or not (I certainly didn't) I don't think there are any gay men in the class. Just painfully shy and awkward or oddly confident dudes who are afraid to do hip hop or think they're the bees' knees. It is a bizarre experience.

I may not be the most awkward but I think I am the worst. I am an awful dancer. I can't do the moves and I keep thinking I'm going to throw out a hip. I was trying to dance and the teacher called me out saying, "You need to work on your face. You look like you're in pain." Apparently dancing is mostly attitude. Who knew? Everybody but me, that's who. I told my mom what the dance teacher told me about my face and she laughed so hard I heard a snort over the phone. That made it all worth it.

So, I didn't meet any interesting guys but I did get out and do something new. I wasn't sitting on the couch or playing on the computer. Something new and something different. This is the way I said I was going to churn and I did it. And I feel good. Now I have to find a way to meet men who give me butterflies. I really miss butterflies.

Dancing Notes: I think I am better at Latin dancing than hip hop. And I think I found my move. It looks nerdy with Chuck Taylors and I like that. But I tried to do it again this morning in front of the mirror and I forgot it. Blast!

For the record: I paid for my dance class.

Good Luck

I was supposed to have a first date with a hot doctor on Friday but I canceled. Here's what happened.

Things have been crazy at work and three people quit on Friday half way through the day. This is in addition to three other people giving notice two weeks ago. Six people in two weeks is a lot and things seem crazy.

One of the people who was leaving was having a happy hour at the same time as my first date. I told him I wasn't able to attend because I had plans. He didn't take no for an answer and admittedly phone banked me (aka called me repeatedly - gotta love people in politics) and texted me saying I had better attend his going away party. It had been a crazy day that concluded a crazy week and I felt like some stress-free drinks without the pressure of first date conversation and posture sounded like what the hot doctor would order. I finally gave in after two texts and five calls and agreed to cancel plans with the hot doctor and go to the happy hour.

The happy hour guy met me at my office and I walked over with him to his party so he wouldn't show up alone. I told him I canceled a date (with a hot doctor) for his happy hour and he assured me that I would meet many single men at the party.

I texted the hot doctor and told him that several people had quit at my office and things were nutty and I wasn't able to make it. And I asked if I could get a raincheck for Sunday. I got a text back saying, "I'm booked Sunday. Good luck." Ouch. I suppose he thinks I'm either a flake or a drama queen and doesn't want to see me, but... ouch. Oh well, we found each other online and haven't actually met in person yet, his hot doctor picture could be 37 years old. He could be a member of the long noise hair club. Or an 18 year old dude. Or a 60 year old lady. Either way, he kind of seems like a dbag. No date for Betti this week. Fail.

For the record, I met no single guys at the happy hour and I bought two beers and a shot for the going away dude.

This dating stuff hurts my brain sometimes

I think the easiest way for me to update would be by person.

1. The Saturday Late Date - He texted me early the following week and we set something up for that Thursday. I guess it annoyed me that he texted to ask, and that he wanted me to pick the place. Again. Anyways, I was too hungover and just not in the mood to go that Thursday, so I canceled. I spent the night with my phone off and alone. It was what I needed.

He emailed me Wednesday and asked me out for Thursday. I had another date then anyways, but I wouldn't have gone simply b/c he asked the day before. Over email. I said I had plans then later that night I get an email tome about his current relationship with, um, relationships. I appreciate the honesty, but man. I do NOT need to hear about your sex life with your ex. I thought I successfully brushed him off, but he emailed back and still wanted to hang out. I've not responded.

2. The Other Dating Site Dude - We had a date Thursday at a sushi place downtown. I had actually been there originally with the Vet. It's so.good. We had a nice time, good conversation. We got another drink at a bar down the street, then called it an evening. He keeps asking me if I have any questions for him. It's not like I'm not engaging him in conversation. Weird. He too has laid his baggage out as well (divorced, etc). I'm not sure I understand this trend.

He paid for dinner, I paid for drinks after.

3. The Repub - We grabbed a drink about 2 weeks ago after texting for an hour beforehand about our relationship (namely, how amazing our sexual chemistry was). I think some of the stuff I had told him about dating him being a waste of time got to him. He kept bringing it up. We both knew that meeting up that evening was pretty much a prelude to sex. A lot of really good, drunk sex (that kept me from going to my date the next night). I'm not ashamed to admit I enjoyed the self-esteem boost that comes from your ex saying how hot he thinks you are and how much he likes sex with you (in much dirtier terms). Now to work on having no contact with him at all. That's always the hardest for me.

He paid

4. The Vet - We had a date Tuesday out on H St. It was quite a bit of fun. He's been driving me to/from work while he's been home too. He travels a lot for work. We're also going to go out tonight for one of our mutual friend's birthday. He hasn't been going out as much, and he thinks he found a place to buy. I'm still waiting to see how he handles a few other things such as his mental and physical health. I did learn Sunday how he saved children from a fire during the war. In gratitude, the town gave him a 16 year old girl to marry (and plates of food). Good deal?

For Labor Day, he'd going to take me to North Carolina for 2 days. I'm really looking forward to getting away.

He paid

Say No to the Name

It is official. I will never date a dude with "the name". As rick.mark.steve mentioned, the dude who broke my heart has the same name as Hirschorn and Birthday. And guess who else shares "the name"? The vampire! That name is off limits.

Also, I have a packed schedule today, only 15 minutes free and I chose to clear my head by reading the blog and eating some string cheese. Reading rick.mark.steve's latest posts made me smile. I hope the blog brings joy to others as well. Churn baby churn.

the return of birthday and hirshhorn

so forgot to mention.

i dated a guy around my birthday.

he was cute (enough). i was in to him. i thought he was in to me. after like 6 dates that were all going really well, no sign of anything awkward. he said he wanted to be friends.

not really a big deal, but it kinda hurt. and i should have expected it based on what my friends say about him and dating.

but he had said the date before, that he 'wasnt going anywhere' and i could trust him.

so it felt like a big ole bitch slap.

well we shall call him birthday.

i havent seen him since this breakup.

and the perfection of this is that hirshhorn and birthday have the same real name, which is also the same real name as betti's heartbreaker. so we shall now never date said people with this name.

anywho.

both returned to my life yesterday.

i go to the scissor sisters concert. my friend invites me. i go along. he tells me one person will be there that i know and that others will be there. go to dinner. birthday is sitting right across from me.

by all outward appearances i handled it well. but. i. felt. so. un. com. fort. able.

him and his friends were all talking about past boyfriends, flying abroad with boyfriends, etc etc. it just made me want to die. and feel like i was a failure or something. i didnt like it at all.

then as we walk to the concert, i check my gmail on my handy dandy iphone. and guess who sent me an email? hirshhorn!!! HONESTLY.

and it was like, hope the housewarming went well, blah blah. lets do something soon :)

IV. REALZ.

i just kinda got upset. i mean i dont understand. here i am with failed attempt 1. then failed attempt 2 is emailing me to hang out, but still not making me a priority by any stretch.

so found some friends at the concert, thank god they are the couple that doesnt make me feel like a third wheel and is super awesome. i proceed to down two redbull vodkas and have 3 double makers and coke.

yes coke, not diet coke. some of us gays do actually like the real version.

so concert starts. we're singing. we're dancing. and then birthday kept looking over during the concert. I just hated every second of it. i mean the whole night wasnt a bust, but dating is just so damn hard. and emotions are so uncontrollable.

however, it reminded me why this whole churning thing is not only hard in the moment, but hard in the long term. and in a sorta fucked up way, it kinda revitalized why im doing this.

i dont want these situations to happen. i want to be with someone that makes all this awkwardness and failed relationships not matter. i want to find someone who likes me as much as i like them.

so churn baby churn. once date a week. no exceptions.

So.Much.To.Update

so.

where was I the last time i posted?

god. dating in the gay world is like dating on crack.

well. i guess this makes sense. i mean i do live on vivarin (heeyyyy jesse spano) and vodka.

but thats besides the point.

so i guess i left off where i had a date with swede and 8 pack in the week.

so swede.

great guy. went to thai tanic. then got gelato and walked around for 45 minutes. was fine. but when i was asking him about himself, like helloooo, you are from sweden. tell me everything. he was unnecessarily vague. like i had to ask him multiple times about what his family was like. and not that he said anything negative about his family, they sounded perfectly fun and great. it was like he just didnt share that information ever.

and the conversation kept going back to work. he works in IT for the govt too. granted he's on the technical side. and im on the managerial side. and for some reason our pay rate got brought up. which i found super awkward, altho working for the govt this is a totally common thing, i just really dont like it. but it was even more awkward when we realized we were the same rate. and he's 8 years older than me. anywho.

go back to his place. luckily he had his fan on, it was dusty and my contacts were going crazy. i think he could tell i just wasnt feeling it. i mean i should prolly give him another shot. but i dunno. im just not feeling it.

so 8 pack. we're texting. we meet up for drinks. have a really good time. he stays over and we cuddle. nothing serious. im lame, but i like that.

that weekend i have my housewarming. i invite him. which had the potential to be super awkward because not only was he there, but i also invited pink sock.

maybe because im partially lesbian and think its fun to invite different people im dating/hooking up with to the same social function?

maybe because i like creating my own personal version of hell?

maybe because im just dumb.

anywho. was surprisingly not awkward. even though in front of both of them, random friend, we shall call WASP (you know who you are) referenced the blog in front of both of them and asked who my date of the week was not knowing that 8 pack and pink sock were both right next to us. and then when i gave him a blank stare he asked me louder as though i had not heard him the first time.

oh. and 8 pack was asked by a friend how he knew me, and he responded in front of pink sock that 'he had gone on a date with rick.mark.steve earlier in the week.'

fun times.

but pink sock went out with the entire crew later. was buying me drinks. was super nice. but like all up on my junk and i dont want that.

so i had to pull the 'got sick in the bathroom' card and bailed. it was bad.

but it worked.

so since that weekend...its been like a week and a half.

8 pack and i have been texting. monday he met up with me and some friends at jr's for showtunes then slept over. he came over tuesday night to hang out for a few and just sleep over. then thursday i was having a particularly bad day at work and was grumpy. he took me to a quick dinner and paid (and he's a student, so i thought that was nice) to cheer me up. then i went over later that night and slept at his place and met his roommates. i also was texting with him and said thanks for cheering me up, i need to take you on an official date this weekend. and he was like, what, are the other dates we've been on fake?

which won major bonus points.

but we went out sunday day. i decide to take him to my favorite restaurant, the sou'wester at mandarin oriental. and im going to point out things that are kind of negative, but overall wasnt...just need to paint the full picture. he makes a comment about never going to the waterfront becuase he doesnt do that. and im like, dude, its still northwest. calm down. but he genuinely enjoyed lunch. said it was amazing (clearly).

and while at lunch, we had a few conversation points that were interesting. like he's not close to his family. he feels as though he has nothing in common with them, which i found odd. i think there's some things there he brushes over because he doeesn't want to deal with them, but it was a little off-putting still. also, there were something about his friends, and babies, and other things that his statements were just so extreme. like i dont notice children. they shouldnt exist.

which in all fairness, is something i would say. but i would say it to be outrageous and expect people to judge me and then id clearly show i was kidding.

but anywho. about the conversation. it flows well. we laugh. we joke. etc. but theres just a lot of things that he talks about that i dont know if its his personality traits coming out or youth. like are these statements something maturity and experience will change or is this really who he is? i dont know. i mean i know i was different two years ago until i had to really enter the real world.

but so after lunch, i had planned to do paddle boats on the tidal basin. cute right?

yeah. he was like, i dont really feel like doing that.

so we went to go see the kids are all right instead.

i mean. i guess i should have just made him do it. but i feel like if someone makes plans for something on a date, unless you are like vehemently opposed to it, you do it, right?

just totally threw me off.

so i'm at a cross roads with this boy. do i actually see if its worth it and keep going on dates...i mean we're prolly at like 10 hangouts at this point. or do i call it quits?

he definitely shows a lot of interest. he's got a ridiculous body. i'm attracted to him. but i still dont understand with his weird dieting and gym obsession why he's interested in me. i just dont get it really.

he has been trying to hang out each night this week. i kinda wanted some alone time. so i sorta pushed him off. i am gonna have dinner with him tomorrow night at my place. we'll see how it goes.

tonight after bocce im gonna hang out with another boy i met online. getting drinks to say heyyyy. so i'm still not committing to 8 pack.

and i have a long weekend away at the lake in wisconsin (thurs-tuesday). so i'll try and think things through and update you all more fully on whats going on in my head.

i feel like i have a lot to figure out.

Dating is hard Barbie

I went out with a dude I met on Craigslist this past weekend. (The date I had to postpone due to the hangover.) I think I'll call him the stepdad because he is a former stepfather. He is a smart dude, a government employee and former math professor. He didn't talk about vampires or have excess nose hair so the date was already more promising than the others.

Stepdad was really nice. The conversation was only mildly awkward. I don't think we had very much in common but he was impressed that I didn't diss math when he told me he used to teach the subject. It must suck to tell people what you do and have them wince in pain from the memory of past math tests.

I showed up to the date 12 minutes late but I let him know I would be late. He was early. I was awkward. I got a Bell's. It was delicious. He got a booth. Let me clarify, it was a mini booth. I felt even more awkward while I tried to squeeze my fat ass in a mini booth. But the nice thing was - I didn't have to sit and stare at him because it was more comfortable to sit sideways.

We talked about walking. He likes to walk. (This is the second date this month where the conversation was about walking, is that weird?) He just moved here. I keep going out with dudes who are new to the area. New revelation - I want a dude who has at least some roots here. Someone who has been in the area for a few years so he knows which bars, restaurants, parks he likes and has a group of friends. I don't want to play cruise director.

Stepdad has a former stepdaughter (he was recently divorced) who is starting college this year. That means she is likely 18 years old. I'm not sure I want to be with someone who is old enough to have a stepdaughter in college. I think I am in the minority on this but age is important to me. My first serious relationship was with a 32 year old dude when I was 24. I learned the hard way that eight years when you're in your early 20s is too much of an age difference. There tends to be a power differential when the age difference is that great. And I'm not sure I want to be with a man who isn't interested in being with a woman his own age.

I'm 31 years old and I'm getting pickier. I suppose that means that I am narrowing in on what I want in a partner. Surely that it is going to make it harder to find someone. Being in my 30s the pond is smaller as it is. I'm not sure I should be making it any shallower. But experience has taught me that just getting along isn't enough to build a life together. And I want a partner to build a life with, dammit.

Okay, back to the date. We were there for over 90 minutes and I told him I had to walk my dog. It was only partially an out - I really did have to walk my dog but I wanted to jet. He was super nice. But it wasn't a match. As we were leaving I saw a friend at the bar and I purposely ignored him and didn't make eye contact - I didn't want to introduce the stepdad.

We went outside and I told him that I had had a nice time. The goodbye was THE MOST AWKWARD GOODBYE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. It was a handshake that was almost a hug, then almost a kiss on the cheek, then almost a hug, then kind of a weird handshake/fistbump. It was awful. If I were watching I would have laughed out loud. New challenge: work on being a normal human being. Shit, I was so awkward.

I walked across the street and waited for him to turn the corner, then I retraced my steps, went back in to the bar and said, "hi" and "bye" to my friend. Then I went home and walked my dog.

All in all it was a pleasant date. Probably tied with the rat guy as the best date I've had in churning 2010. I would go out with him if he asked again though I don't think he will. He texted me later that night and said he had a good time but he guessed the dog was an out. Oops. I am the world's worst faker.

For the record: I paid for my beer.

Dingbats.

#1 result for "Dingbat" Google image search.

Are men dingbats? Either they are or I am more charming than I realize. But I really think it's the former. I got an email from Harry saying he had a great time chatting with me and wanted to know when we would go out again. Really? I don't know what date he was on but there was no chemistry and I can't believe he had a great time. Maybe he just wants to date a woman twenty years his junior and doesn't care that the conversation is bland and generic.

I may sound like the world's most shallow person but I am not attracted to a man who seems to have a hard time breathing through his nose due to excess nose hair.

I know Papa Churn said the goal is to get a second date but I'm wondering if I should have even gone on a first date with him. If I am convinced that nothing will happen with a man because of zero chemistry or age or some other x-factor, does that make me closed-minded? And if I just go out with him for the quota, am I using him for the churn? Does that make me a bad person? Does that make me a bad dater? Maybe that is why I am single.

But now I have to email him and reply to say when (if at all) I want to meet up with him again. Papa do preach. I'm in trouble deep. Okay, not really.

I just want to know if a) I should be going out with old (or young) men more than ten years my senior (or junior) when I don't want to date them at all; and b) if I am even churning correctly. When you churn, should there be an internal screening process or do you just go out with anyone who asks?

Hello Awkwardtown, USA

Hello people of the interwebs. This is my first blog post ever so please bear with me. It’s very nerve-wracking much like the big bad world of dating aka Awkwardtown, USA.

I’ve never been a good dater. My dream is meet someone organically – not forced like a dating website, blind date or whatever else the evil universe has dreamed up to make finding a mate the most awkward/awful/anxiety inducing thing ever.

I’m dipping my toes back into the proverbial dating pool. I’ve never been one to have a lot of boyfriends. My thought process is why be with someone for the sake of being with someone if they are not that awesome. Even though my friends and family would beg to differ on my past boyfriends and their lack of awesomeness.

My other single friends and I are going out on Thursday night for our “Thursday Night Boy Hunting Club”. Which usually just ends with us drunk and singing karaoke but at least we are out and about. I’ve been invited to a Singles BBQ this weekend. My married friend and her husband have invited all the singletons they know to host an incredible awkward BBQ. In married friend’s dream world, all her friends would be married to her husband’s friends and we all live on a cozy cul-de-sac together. That is Kitty’s nightmare world. I’m not really banking on this being all that lucrative as I received a text from her asking “how do you feel about dating a guy with kids?” I know I’m over 30 and single but I still am holding out hope for a great guy. Not that said “guy with kids” isn’t great but I’m not all that keen on being an InstaMom. But I will keep an open mind going into this and will remember that this is the very reason that God made Booze….Awkwardtown, USA.

Um. What?

So I was supposed to have a fourth date this weekend with a very nice Midwestern guy I met on Craigslist. We'd emailed and chatted. We were supposed to meet up two weeks ago but he canceled the day of because he was sick. Then he went out of town and our raincheck was set for today. I just looked and we have emailed 32 times to schedule and reschedule our first date. (This was before my five communications rule.) We had plans to meet up to play pub trivia. He confirmed yesterday and we were good to go for 7:00p this evening.

I got an email from him this morning saying, "I'm really sorry, but something's come up... I won't be able to make it out tonight." And that was it. I emailed back and his email address was deleted. All I can say is um... What?

Entertaining but Weird

I met up with Edward Jacob this morning for a coffee and farmer's market date. He was the first guy I've been excited to go out with since my breakup. I was on time and stoked. He was early. Things were looking up. I met Ed Jake on the online dating site (before I deleted my profile) and he promised me a great cup of coffee. I was not disappointed. The joe was delicious. The conversation was... interesting.

Ed Jake was entirely entertaining, so much so it bordered on absurdly weird. There were no awkward silences. Quite the contrary, Ed Jake was a chatty mother-freaking cathy. A government employee who once worked at a mental institution and one talkative dude. All in all we talked for over an hour and a half but I know very little about him. That being said, I did learn that if he eats too much red meat he can't handle the increased bile in his stomach. (Oh yes, he shared that tasty tidbit.) I also learned, in case you didn't know, that Pennsylvania is much nicer than Transylvania.

But nothing was more fun to learn than the idea that the Red Cross doesn't actually need the blood they collect for transfusions. They really collect it all to sell it to vampires. And did you know that the Red Cross only asks you all of those questions about your blood and blood type so they can place a value on it? Oh yes, apparently AB positive fetches a much higher price from the vampires than say... O negative. WTF. I'm not even exaggerating. He actually said all of this stuff. I know he was just doing a "bit" but, damn, it was weird. Entertaining but weird.

After an hour and a half of coffee and a tour around the farmer's market he asked if I wanted to go to a museum. I told him I had to get going. I know Papa Churn said that we should be shooting for a second date but I'm not sure I want to go out with a guy who said, "Can I say something rude? I wouldn't f*ck her with a borrowed d*ck" in reference to a girl he met at a party the night before. Again - I'm not making this stuff up. He actually said that to me. He was entertaining but weird and I'd be okay if we stopped at one date.

For the record: I bought my own coffee. And a refill.

The thing is

I don't know if I'm able to see/find/create any chemistry with someone I met online. I had another date yesterday and it honestly just feels like a business meeting. I enjoyed my time, but I have no emotion about either dating website date whatsoever. In fact, I've disabled my account on there.

Yesterday's date showed up almost a half hour late. He did call to say he was late. He's nice, but talked about work too much. I also learned random things about his food allergies that I think would have been better saved for a second date. Likewise, I had to take control of every situation - where to eat, talking to the host, the server, etc. The server was actually giving me bedroom eyes during the date. I think he could see my boredom.

I wonder if there is something about weaving online life into dating that causes people to move more quickly in terms of the getting to know you stuff. Like Tuesday's date - he kept wanting to know what I wanted, desperate for me to ask him questions. And yesterday, the guy asked me about my parents' divorce, which inevitably brought up the death of my father. He asked how he died. Tres gauche.

This, and recent exchanges with the Republican and the Vet are making me want to withdraw into myself. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to - emotionally - actively seek a date. I think I'm looking forward too much and not accepting my current situation. I can't just pick up where the Republican and I left off (with him or anyone) and be that close to settling down. I need to get over that and the anger around that first I think. Honestly, at this point, even if I were that close to settling down or what not, I don't know if I'd be able to trust it.

Lunch - he paid, no subsequent contact on his part

Pleasantly Awkward

I met up with Harry from speed dating tonight. We grabbed a drink. Or a soda. It lasted 43 minutes. Here's how it went down.

I was late for the date because I was stopped by a Census worker who didn't comprehend the fact that I didn't know the people who lived in my apartment in April. It was weird and totally unrelated. Moving on. So there I am - late, hungover and not wanting to leave my couch, let alone go out on a date.

I arrived 10 minutes late and Harry was at the bar drinking iced tea. He doesn't drink. Score! Hungover Betti got a ginger ale. Harry is really kind. Super nice, in fact. I would guess he is 20 years older than me. (That is at least ten years above my maximum age.) After about 49 seconds it was clear that it wasn't going anywhere and I wondered how long I have to stay. I hate that. How long is mandatory? How long constitutes a date? I decided to make my goal 45 minutes.

All in all the date was pleasantly awkward. Like I said, Harry was really nice. The conversation was sparse but pleasant. In fact, there was more silence than conversation. I asked the two lamest questions in the history of dating: "Do you come here often?" and "Have you seen any movies lately?" After 43 minutes I told him I had to get going. He suggested that he may email or text me but I kind of hope he doesn't ask me out again.

Oops. Missed a date.

This isn't me but this woman looks as miserable as I felt today.

I have a hangover. I went out with Belle last night and had more cocktails in one night than I did all of last month combined. The night was tons of fun and ended with me literally falling in the middle of the sidewalk in front of about 40 people. It was a good (or bad depending on how you judge it) fall, complete with "oh"s and "ouch"s and even one "damn. that's gotta hurt" from the crowd of onlookers.

I woke up this morning with a skinned knee, a damaged manicure and a hangover. A bad hangover. So bad in fact that I had to cancel a morning museum date with a guy I met on Craigslist. I emailed him and was honest. I told him that I had too much to drink the night before, couldn't drive and asked for a raincheck.

He was very cool about it and thanked me for my honesty. He asked for another date. Yay. So hopefully I'll see him next week.

Now I have to get my bruised and boozey butt off the couch so I can get ready for a drink date tonight with a guy I met at speed dating.

I honestly have no idea who this guy is - he's not the dance teacher. He may be the man in his 50s or the guy who invited me for a midnight swim. I can't remember who was who. Oops. I only hope I don't puke on him. I also hope I don't smell like booze. I was too much of a mess to find an outfit so I just picked yesterday's clothes off the floor. Yeah, I'm that guy. Wish me luck.

Let's go slowly (discouraged)

Two dates in as many days.

Last night - I met up with a guy I met on an online dating site. He's nice enough, though seemed overly interested in making sure my picture was representative of me - and I don't think in the "is she fat" way. Like in the "does she have legs" way. We met up at a bar on 14th and talked longer than I thought we would. He kept asking if I had questions for him. Do people go to these things with a list of questions in hand? Anyways, he would like to see me again. I guess my abundance of limbs won him over. (*knock knock)

Tonight - the Vet took me to dinner and a play at the Kennedy Center. It was actually a lot of fun and much needed after a really shitty week at work. The play was funny and he didn't try to get in my pants after (churning rules!). I learned more about his family and his life growing up. It's just very easy to be with him.

And of course, this afternoon, my ex, the Republican, bbms me after 2 weeks + of no contact. It's about scars he got from when we were having sex. I ignored it. I'm just going to sit and be proud of not contacting him for 2 weeks.

UGH fine. I bbmed back tonight. But I was very detached. So there.

Last night - he paid

Tonight - he paid

I have another date Sat with another man from the website. I might push it back just b/c I need the emotional space (and I can meet my quota next week!). The Vet found my profile on there too, so I'm more inclined to ditch that particular site.

I'm too obsessive for online dating sites

I have an obsessive personality. I'm not OCD or anything but I tend to get obsessed over things -- a new dress or a book or a new activity (I'm currently obsessed with learning to like to dance). When I signed up for an online dating site I caught myself getting obsessed. I downloaded the iPhone app. I checked my page constantly. I couldn't help but "wink" and "message" and check out my "visitors". If you're wondering, yes, I did all of those things that I make fun of when it comes to online dating.

If you add the time I spent on the online dating site to the time I spent online for work plus the time I spent on sites like Facebook and Blogger I was spending all of my time on the computer. There have been 51 days in DC this summer where the temperature has reached the 90s and would be sitting at home after a long day with a laptop on my lap heating me up. Literally.

Then I had the experience with the "You're still alive" texting guy and I was like ahhh! I communicated with this guy over 50 times in five days and I never met him - a five day "webationship", if you will. So I made a decision to cancel the account and do more things outside. No more computer.

But I know that will need to use the interwebs so get dates and fill the churn quota so I'm looking for meetup groups and things to do. I'm finding classes and groups and activities. And when there are no prospects I'm going to Craigslist. If you've never used Craigslist to find a date - don't knock it. I know people who have literally found love on Craigslist. And not one-night horizontal-mambo love but real-life, best friend forever love.

I have my first Craigslist date this weekend. Wish me luck. And in the meantime I'm going to keep looking for active groups of people doing active things so I can get off the computer and into the fresh air and sunshine. I hope I meet Mr Right while he's shaking or baking or candlestick making. I'll be refreshed and gorgeous and he'll look a little bit like that hot guy from Criminal Minds mixed with the hot guy from CSI... oh and maybe the guy from Prison Break with a dash of John Hamm and Jordan Catalano and also Jack, Jin and Sawyer from Lost. Add he'll have a British accent and lots of tattoos with an Ivy league education and a knack for cooking and I'll be set.

Then I'll wake up and actually meet Mr Wonderful (who will be totally normal) while he's walking with one of my freinds and I'm running with my dog. I'll be sweaty, stinky and gross because that's the way the real world works.

The Internet is for....CHURN

Hello my pretties,

Papa Churn is pleased with your work as I sit here stroking the ends of my mustache, the dating is good! However before I get on to my subject of the week, some advice and a summary of our Churnlings thus far,

Belle-The Dentist sounds awesome, push it further but keep it cool and chillaxed. Three date minimum! By the by, I totally would have gone on the weekend away to Atlanta!

Rick.Mark.Steve.-don't waste your time on people who don't know how to date or don't want to-The Swede sounds like a good egg!

Claudia-What was the argument about? This guy sounds a bit nuts I hope he is cute as hell. Three date minimum! Give him the chance to a) make it up to you b) screw it up to give you an end point c) get a joint for papa churn.

Betti-Gold star thus far and by far the most dates, but I feel like your going to burn out, pace yourself pretty lady. I kind of want you to go on a date with crazy text man for two reasons 1) It will be highly entertaining for me 2) He sounded like a nice guy, yes a bit dependent but he got you excited for a reason whether it's email or phone.....which nicely brings me on to our titular subject: the internet.

Back when Papa Churn was just a young buck who'd arrived in the Capitol with nothing but a backpack and a cheesy grin knowing not a soul I decided to embark on the churn so that I could date and meet someone, but also to hopefully make some friends. The internet is your best friend but can be your worst enemy. It is easy peasy to get a date a week with craigslist, match.com etc etc but much more difficult to make a date stick. I went on a thousand first dates but could never get a second date. This is the first rule of internet dating: GET A SECOND DATE.

The next rule regards what Betti went through: don't fall into a textual relationship; a 'webationship.' There was this guy I met on match.com, we'll call him Angry Man because that is his name, he was movie star hot, so I emailed him and we went back and forth and soon enough we began g-chatting every single night but were both so busy with work we never ever got around to actually meeting. We did start to talk on the phone and he sounded a little like Matthew Mcconaughey, which as a British person, a hot gravelly Southern accent is like oral porn, however we kept getting into the most heated debates/arguments on the phone, about the stupidest things; like which flavor cheesecake was better, things there were no right or wrong answers to. He would boss me around and tell me what to do which I kind of liked, but after a while it started to piss me off. However we both totally got off on the verbal friction. It was like we were an old badly married couple. We began to argue a lot more and then I was in NYC one weekend and he kept calling me saying he missed me and when was I coming back and of course we got into a huge fight and it was then that I actually realised...I had never met this person. We had had an entire relationship on the phone. We argued so much we couldn't even agree on where to meet! But we had such passion. We never met and sometimes I look back and ponder what would it have been like if we'd met? Would we have ripped each others clothes off or argued all the way down the aisle? It was a pseudo marriage; I knew everything about this guy, what brand of apples he bought to the names of his dogs. Betti was smart and pulled herself out of her webationship and tried to meet him, however I do think if at all possible you should still give him a shot, in a very public open place where I am watching with binoculars and a tazer.

The rules for internet dating are simple:
Meet the person soon,
Try and talk on the phone, you can tell a lot more about them from their voice then their text. Remember how brave you all are online?
Never use emoticons with people you've never met.
Don't comprise a message with TLA's (Totally Lame Abbreviations: LOL, BTW, BFF-you're not a Jonas Brother)
Don't put off meeting them.
Three date minimum rule especially applies here as people are so strange on first dates especially from match.com.
Safety first (Meet in a safe place and never get into their car)
Keep and open mind
The only escape clause from the three date minimum is if they are a troll.

Good luck!
Papa Churn

No more than five communications

I was supposed to meet a guy to watch a baseball game on Saturday afternoon but it didn't happen. And I'm okay with it for two reasons: 1) I had speed dating last week so I met my weekly quota; and 2) He kind of creeped me out. (Insert rewinding noises to accompany the text "12 days ago".)

I met this dude on an online dating site. He seemed great. We had a lot in common -- both have dogs, huge baseball fans, similar professions. He was really funny and charming. He was cute. I kind of liked him. I looked forward to his emails. We "friended" eachother on Facebook. Then I realized I had never met him! I was getting excited to "talk" (read: email) to a guy I had never even seen. We had made a date to watch a game but it was still more than a week away and I wanted to meet him in person. I was finally excited. Yay! So then I did this thing that I do when I like someone -- I read all of our past communications. And then I grew concerned. I realized we had written each other 35 emails in three days. That's crazy, right? Right.

I emailed him and said that I thought we should meet up soon because we had emailed so many times. I was afraid we were falling down a virtual rabbit hole where you think you know someone, develop an online relationship and realize you've been communicating with an 89 year old dude with a shrunken Beatlejuice head who hadn't seen daylight since the Nixon administration. So I told him I thought we should meet and asked if we could get together for a quick drink the following night (last Saturday). He replied and asked what I was looking for in a relationship. You may remember my response from "I probably broke every dating rule".

Me:
I can tell you what I don't want. I am not looking for someone that has a girlfriend or a wife or wants something sexually casual. Becoming friends, hanging out and getting to know someone better slowly is one thing and I'd be interested in that. Casual sex partners isn't something I'm into. I'm not saying you are, but I thought I'd throw it out there in case that was a question.

Him:
That is exactly what I want. Exactly. Only I want someone I can't live without.

Kind of awesome. Cute? Yes. Relieved? Yes. Small red light regarding co-dependency issues? Yes. But still I hadn't scared him away so, kind of awesome. I write back and say awesome and ask about the drink the following day. At this point it is 4:45p on Friday afternoon. We had emailed many times that day. I left work at 6:00p and still hadn't heard back. Weird. I went out (had plans with a friend) and didn't check my email until the following morning.

Him at 10:45p:
What are you doing tonight?

Him at 10:55p:
Here is my number - 123-456-7890 (not his number). Call or text me.

I have a standing workout appointment at 8:30a every Saturday morning. I got up and saw that he had emailed me twice the night before so I write back.

Me at 8:01a:
Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I was out at a friend's house. She was showing me pics from her trip abroad. Are you free tonight for a drink? Let me know. Here's my number - 123-456-7890 (not my number either).

Him at 8:04a:
I guess you're not interested anymore.

Him via text (first text) at 8:10a:
You're so beautiful.

This is where I start to get weirded out. Really? Dude, I just gave you my number and asked if you wanted to get a drink that day. What part of that says I'm not interested? And then the text. Kind of creepy since we've never met in person but benefit of the doubt - very nice. Thank you.

So I go workout. I was really late because I stopped to email him and, to be honest, I was totally late all on my own. So I didn't write back until I finished the workout.

Me via text at 10:15a:
Thank you.

Him via text at 10:25a:
You're still alive!!!

Um, what? Creepy? Yes! Seriously? I hadn't written back in two hours before 10a. I could have been up to pee, get a glass of water or walk the dog and gone back to bed. Stores aren't open before 10a. I have some friendships that have been threatened if I text before 10a. This is getting weird, right?

Me via text at 10:45a:
Haha. Yes, I was working out.

Him via text at 11a:
Training for the olympics?

Me via text at 10:15a:
No, just practice.

Then nothing. Then I start to get even more weirded out. Plus it's hot. Really hot. This summer sucks. Then I realize how much I do not want to get ready in the heat two hours earlier than necessary (I had a friend's birthday party to attend) for a dude that was creeping me out.

Me via text at 2:30p:
Hey there. Haven't heard from you about tonight so I'm guessing you're going to the show and you're busy. But I'll see you for the game next week. Have a great night.

I may have sabotaged this. I admit that. But I was creeped out. And hot. And tired. And kind of wanted to sit on my couch and drink a cocktail and not get ready to go out. Plus I had just gone out with the rat guy two days earlier. So I was okay with it. The "You're still alive" text gave me the ick.

Then Saturday came and went and I never heard from him. So I unfriended him on Facebook today and consider that chapter closed.

New rule: No more than five communications with someone before meeting them in person.