i dated a guy around my birthday.
he was cute (enough). i was in to him. i thought he was in to me. after like 6 dates that were all going really well, no sign of anything awkward. he said he wanted to be friends.
not really a big deal, but it kinda hurt. and i should have expected it based on what my friends say about him and dating.
but he had said the date before, that he 'wasnt going anywhere' and i could trust him.
so it felt like a big ole bitch slap.
well we shall call him birthday.
i havent seen him since this breakup.
and the perfection of this is that hirshhorn and birthday have the same real name, which is also the same real name as betti's heartbreaker. so we shall now never date said people with this name.
anywho.
both returned to my life yesterday.
i go to the scissor sisters concert. my friend invites me. i go along. he tells me one person will be there that i know and that others will be there. go to dinner. birthday is sitting right across from me.
by all outward appearances i handled it well. but. i. felt. so. un. com. fort. able.
him and his friends were all talking about past boyfriends, flying abroad with boyfriends, etc etc. it just made me want to die. and feel like i was a failure or something. i didnt like it at all.
then as we walk to the concert, i check my gmail on my handy dandy iphone. and guess who sent me an email? hirshhorn!!! HONESTLY.
and it was like, hope the housewarming went well, blah blah. lets do something soon :)
IV. REALZ.
i just kinda got upset. i mean i dont understand. here i am with failed attempt 1. then failed attempt 2 is emailing me to hang out, but still not making me a priority by any stretch.
so found some friends at the concert, thank god they are the couple that doesnt make me feel like a third wheel and is super awesome. i proceed to down two redbull vodkas and have 3 double makers and coke.
yes coke, not diet coke. some of us gays do actually like the real version.
so concert starts. we're singing. we're dancing. and then birthday kept looking over during the concert. I just hated every second of it. i mean the whole night wasnt a bust, but dating is just so damn hard. and emotions are so uncontrollable.
however, it reminded me why this whole churning thing is not only hard in the moment, but hard in the long term. and in a sorta fucked up way, it kinda revitalized why im doing this.
i dont want these situations to happen. i want to be with someone that makes all this awkwardness and failed relationships not matter. i want to find someone who likes me as much as i like them.
so churn baby churn. once date a week. no exceptions.
