
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Good Luck
Things have been crazy at work and three people quit on Friday half way through the day. This is in addition to three other people giving notice two weeks ago. Six people in two weeks is a lot and things seem crazy.
One of the people who was leaving was having a happy hour at the same time as my first date. I told him I wasn't able to attend because I had plans. He didn't take no for an answer and admittedly phone banked me (aka called me repeatedly - gotta love people in politics) and texted me saying I had better attend his going away party. It had been a crazy day that concluded a crazy week and I felt like some stress-free drinks without the pressure of first date conversation and posture sounded like what the hot doctor would order. I finally gave in after two texts and five calls and agreed to cancel plans with the hot doctor and go to the happy hour.
The happy hour guy met me at my office and I walked over with him to his party so he wouldn't show up alone. I told him I canceled a date (with a hot doctor) for his happy hour and he assured me that I would meet many single men at the party.
I texted the hot doctor and told him that several people had quit at my office and things were nutty and I wasn't able to make it. And I asked if I could get a raincheck for Sunday. I got a text back saying, "I'm booked Sunday. Good luck." Ouch. I suppose he thinks I'm either a flake or a drama queen and doesn't want to see me, but... ouch. Oh well, we found each other online and haven't actually met in person yet, his hot doctor picture could be 37 years old. He could be a member of the long noise hair club. Or an 18 year old dude. Or a 60 year old lady. Either way, he kind of seems like a dbag. No date for Betti this week. Fail.
For the record, I met no single guys at the happy hour and I bought two beers and a shot for the going away dude.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
This dating stuff hurts my brain sometimes
1. The Saturday Late Date - He texted me early the following week and we set something up for that Thursday. I guess it annoyed me that he texted to ask, and that he wanted me to pick the place. Again. Anyways, I was too hungover and just not in the mood to go that Thursday, so I canceled. I spent the night with my phone off and alone. It was what I needed.
He emailed me Wednesday and asked me out for Thursday. I had another date then anyways, but I wouldn't have gone simply b/c he asked the day before. Over email. I said I had plans then later that night I get an email tome about his current relationship with, um, relationships. I appreciate the honesty, but man. I do NOT need to hear about your sex life with your ex. I thought I successfully brushed him off, but he emailed back and still wanted to hang out. I've not responded.
2. The Other Dating Site Dude - We had a date Thursday at a sushi place downtown. I had actually been there originally with the Vet. It's so.good. We had a nice time, good conversation. We got another drink at a bar down the street, then called it an evening. He keeps asking me if I have any questions for him. It's not like I'm not engaging him in conversation. Weird. He too has laid his baggage out as well (divorced, etc). I'm not sure I understand this trend.
He paid for dinner, I paid for drinks after.
3. The Repub - We grabbed a drink about 2 weeks ago after texting for an hour beforehand about our relationship (namely, how amazing our sexual chemistry was). I think some of the stuff I had told him about dating him being a waste of time got to him. He kept bringing it up. We both knew that meeting up that evening was pretty much a prelude to sex. A lot of really good, drunk sex (that kept me from going to my date the next night). I'm not ashamed to admit I enjoyed the self-esteem boost that comes from your ex saying how hot he thinks you are and how much he likes sex with you (in much dirtier terms). Now to work on having no contact with him at all. That's always the hardest for me.
He paid
4. The Vet - We had a date Tuesday out on H St. It was quite a bit of fun. He's been driving me to/from work while he's been home too. He travels a lot for work. We're also going to go out tonight for one of our mutual friend's birthday. He hasn't been going out as much, and he thinks he found a place to buy. I'm still waiting to see how he handles a few other things such as his mental and physical health. I did learn Sunday how he saved children from a fire during the war. In gratitude, the town gave him a 16 year old girl to marry (and plates of food). Good deal?
For Labor Day, he'd going to take me to North Carolina for 2 days. I'm really looking forward to getting away.
He paid
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Say No to the Name
Also, I have a packed schedule today, only 15 minutes free and I chose to clear my head by reading the blog and eating some string cheese. Reading rick.mark.steve's latest posts made me smile. I hope the blog brings joy to others as well. Churn baby churn.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
the return of birthday and hirshhorn
So.Much.To.Update
Monday, August 23, 2010
Dating is hard Barbie
Stepdad was really nice. The conversation was only mildly awkward. I don't think we had very much in common but he was impressed that I didn't diss math when he told me he used to teach the subject. It must suck to tell people what you do and have them wince in pain from the memory of past math tests.
I showed up to the date 12 minutes late but I let him know I would be late. He was early. I was awkward. I got a Bell's. It was delicious. He got a booth. Let me clarify, it was a mini booth. I felt even more awkward while I tried to squeeze my fat ass in a mini booth. But the nice thing was - I didn't have to sit and stare at him because it was more comfortable to sit sideways.
We talked about walking. He likes to walk. (This is the second date this month where the conversation was about walking, is that weird?) He just moved here. I keep going out with dudes who are new to the area. New revelation - I want a dude who has at least some roots here. Someone who has been in the area for a few years so he knows which bars, restaurants, parks he likes and has a group of friends. I don't want to play cruise director.
Stepdad has a former stepdaughter (he was recently divorced) who is starting college this year. That means she is likely 18 years old. I'm not sure I want to be with someone who is old enough to have a stepdaughter in college. I think I am in the minority on this but age is important to me. My first serious relationship was with a 32 year old dude when I was 24. I learned the hard way that eight years when you're in your early 20s is too much of an age difference. There tends to be a power differential when the age difference is that great. And I'm not sure I want to be with a man who isn't interested in being with a woman his own age.
I'm 31 years old and I'm getting pickier. I suppose that means that I am narrowing in on what I want in a partner. Surely that it is going to make it harder to find someone. Being in my 30s the pond is smaller as it is. I'm not sure I should be making it any shallower. But experience has taught me that just getting along isn't enough to build a life together. And I want a partner to build a life with, dammit.
Okay, back to the date. We were there for over 90 minutes and I told him I had to walk my dog. It was only partially an out - I really did have to walk my dog but I wanted to jet. He was super nice. But it wasn't a match. As we were leaving I saw a friend at the bar and I purposely ignored him and didn't make eye contact - I didn't want to introduce the stepdad.
We went outside and I told him that I had had a nice time. The goodbye was THE MOST AWKWARD GOODBYE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. It was a handshake that was almost a hug, then almost a kiss on the cheek, then almost a hug, then kind of a weird handshake/fistbump. It was awful. If I were watching I would have laughed out loud. New challenge: work on being a normal human being. Shit, I was so awkward.
I walked across the street and waited for him to turn the corner, then I retraced my steps, went back in to the bar and said, "hi" and "bye" to my friend. Then I went home and walked my dog.
All in all it was a pleasant date. Probably tied with the rat guy as the best date I've had in churning 2010. I would go out with him if he asked again though I don't think he will. He texted me later that night and said he had a good time but he guessed the dog was an out. Oops. I am the world's worst faker.
For the record: I paid for my beer.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Dingbats.
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#1 result for "Dingbat" Google image search. |
I may sound like the world's most shallow person but I am not attracted to a man who seems to have a hard time breathing through his nose due to excess nose hair.
I know Papa Churn said the goal is to get a second date but I'm wondering if I should have even gone on a first date with him. If I am convinced that nothing will happen with a man because of zero chemistry or age or some other x-factor, does that make me closed-minded? And if I just go out with him for the quota, am I using him for the churn? Does that make me a bad person? Does that make me a bad dater? Maybe that is why I am single.
But now I have to email him and reply to say when (if at all) I want to meet up with him again. Papa do preach. I'm in trouble deep. Okay, not really.
I just want to know if a) I should be going out with old (or young) men more than ten years my senior (or junior) when I don't want to date them at all; and b) if I am even churning correctly. When you churn, should there be an internal screening process or do you just go out with anyone who asks?
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Hello Awkwardtown, USA
I’ve never been a good dater. My dream is meet someone organically – not forced like a dating website, blind date or whatever else the evil universe has dreamed up to make finding a mate the most awkward/awful/anxiety inducing thing ever.
I’m dipping my toes back into the proverbial dating pool. I’ve never been one to have a lot of boyfriends. My thought process is why be with someone for the sake of being with someone if they are not that awesome. Even though my friends and family would beg to differ on my past boyfriends and their lack of awesomeness.
My other single friends and I are going out on Thursday night for our “Thursday Night Boy Hunting Club”. Which usually just ends with us drunk and singing karaoke but at least we are out and about. I’ve been invited to a Singles BBQ this weekend. My married friend and her husband have invited all the singletons they know to host an incredible awkward BBQ. In married friend’s dream world, all her friends would be married to her husband’s friends and we all live on a cozy cul-de-sac together. That is Kitty’s nightmare world. I’m not really banking on this being all that lucrative as I received a text from her asking “how do you feel about dating a guy with kids?” I know I’m over 30 and single but I still am holding out hope for a great guy. Not that said “guy with kids” isn’t great but I’m not all that keen on being an InstaMom. But I will keep an open mind going into this and will remember that this is the very reason that God made Booze….Awkwardtown, USA.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Um. What?
I got an email from him this morning saying, "I'm really sorry, but something's come up... I won't be able to make it out tonight." And that was it. I emailed back and his email address was deleted. All I can say is um... What?
Entertaining but Weird
Ed Jake was entirely entertaining, so much so it bordered on absurdly weird. There were no awkward silences. Quite the contrary, Ed Jake was a chatty mother-freaking cathy. A government employee who once worked at a mental institution and one talkative dude. All in all we talked for over an hour and a half but I know very little about him. That being said, I did learn that if he eats too much red meat he can't handle the increased bile in his stomach. (Oh yes, he shared that tasty tidbit.) I also learned, in case you didn't know, that Pennsylvania is much nicer than Transylvania.
But nothing was more fun to learn than the idea that the Red Cross doesn't actually need the blood they collect for transfusions. They really collect it all to sell it to vampires. And did you know that the Red Cross only asks you all of those questions about your blood and blood type so they can place a value on it? Oh yes, apparently AB positive fetches a much higher price from the vampires than say... O negative. WTF. I'm not even exaggerating. He actually said all of this stuff. I know he was just doing a "bit" but, damn, it was weird. Entertaining but weird.
After an hour and a half of coffee and a tour around the farmer's market he asked if I wanted to go to a museum. I told him I had to get going. I know Papa Churn said that we should be shooting for a second date but I'm not sure I want to go out with a guy who said, "Can I say something rude? I wouldn't f*ck her with a borrowed d*ck" in reference to a girl he met at a party the night before. Again - I'm not making this stuff up. He actually said that to me. He was entertaining but weird and I'd be okay if we stopped at one date.
For the record: I bought my own coffee. And a refill.
The thing is
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Pleasantly Awkward
I was late for the date because I was stopped by a Census worker who didn't comprehend the fact that I didn't know the people who lived in my apartment in April. It was weird and totally unrelated. Moving on. So there I am - late, hungover and not wanting to leave my couch, let alone go out on a date.
I arrived 10 minutes late and Harry was at the bar drinking iced tea. He doesn't drink. Score! Hungover Betti got a ginger ale. Harry is really kind. Super nice, in fact. I would guess he is 20 years older than me. (That is at least ten years above my maximum age.) After about 49 seconds it was clear that it wasn't going anywhere and I wondered how long I have to stay. I hate that. How long is mandatory? How long constitutes a date? I decided to make my goal 45 minutes.
All in all the date was pleasantly awkward. Like I said, Harry was really nice. The conversation was sparse but pleasant. In fact, there was more silence than conversation. I asked the two lamest questions in the history of dating: "Do you come here often?" and "Have you seen any movies lately?" After 43 minutes I told him I had to get going. He suggested that he may email or text me but I kind of hope he doesn't ask me out again.
Oops. Missed a date.
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This isn't me but this woman looks as miserable as I felt today. |
I woke up this morning with a skinned knee, a damaged manicure and a hangover. A bad hangover. So bad in fact that I had to cancel a morning museum date with a guy I met on Craigslist. I emailed him and was honest. I told him that I had too much to drink the night before, couldn't drive and asked for a raincheck.
He was very cool about it and thanked me for my honesty. He asked for another date. Yay. So hopefully I'll see him next week.
Now I have to get my bruised and boozey butt off the couch so I can get ready for a drink date tonight with a guy I met at speed dating.
I honestly have no idea who this guy is - he's not the dance teacher. He may be the man in his 50s or the guy who invited me for a midnight swim. I can't remember who was who. Oops. I only hope I don't puke on him. I also hope I don't smell like booze. I was too much of a mess to find an outfit so I just picked yesterday's clothes off the floor. Yeah, I'm that guy. Wish me luck.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Let's go slowly (discouraged)
I'm too obsessive for online dating sites
If you add the time I spent on the online dating site to the time I spent online for work plus the time I spent on sites like Facebook and Blogger I was spending all of my time on the computer. There have been 51 days in DC this summer where the temperature has reached the 90s and would be sitting at home after a long day with a laptop on my lap heating me up. Literally.
Then I had the experience with the "You're still alive" texting guy and I was like ahhh! I communicated with this guy over 50 times in five days and I never met him - a five day "webationship", if you will. So I made a decision to cancel the account and do more things outside. No more computer.
But I know that will need to use the interwebs so get dates and fill the churn quota so I'm looking for meetup groups and things to do. I'm finding classes and groups and activities. And when there are no prospects I'm going to Craigslist. If you've never used Craigslist to find a date - don't knock it. I know people who have literally found love on Craigslist. And not one-night horizontal-mambo love but real-life, best friend forever love.
I have my first Craigslist date this weekend. Wish me luck. And in the meantime I'm going to keep looking for active groups of people doing active things so I can get off the computer and into the fresh air and sunshine. I hope I meet Mr Right while he's shaking or baking or candlestick making. I'll be refreshed and gorgeous and he'll look a little bit like that hot guy from Criminal Minds mixed with the hot guy from CSI... oh and maybe the guy from Prison Break with a dash of John Hamm and Jordan Catalano and also Jack, Jin and Sawyer from Lost. Add he'll have a British accent and lots of tattoos with an Ivy league education and a knack for cooking and I'll be set.
Then I'll wake up and actually meet Mr Wonderful (who will be totally normal) while he's walking with one of my freinds and I'm running with my dog. I'll be sweaty, stinky and gross because that's the way the real world works.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The Internet is for....CHURN
Papa Churn is pleased with your work as I sit here stroking the ends of my mustache, the dating is good! However before I get on to my subject of the week, some advice and a summary of our Churnlings thus far,
Belle-The Dentist sounds awesome, push it further but keep it cool and chillaxed. Three date minimum! By the by, I totally would have gone on the weekend away to Atlanta!
Rick.Mark.Steve.-don't waste your time on people who don't know how to date or don't want to-The Swede sounds like a good egg!
Claudia-What was the argument about? This guy sounds a bit nuts I hope he is cute as hell. Three date minimum! Give him the chance to a) make it up to you b) screw it up to give you an end point c) get a joint for papa churn.
Betti-Gold star thus far and by far the most dates, but I feel like your going to burn out, pace yourself pretty lady. I kind of want you to go on a date with crazy text man for two reasons 1) It will be highly entertaining for me 2) He sounded like a nice guy, yes a bit dependent but he got you excited for a reason whether it's email or phone.....which nicely brings me on to our titular subject: the internet.
Back when Papa Churn was just a young buck who'd arrived in the Capitol with nothing but a backpack and a cheesy grin knowing not a soul I decided to embark on the churn so that I could date and meet someone, but also to hopefully make some friends. The internet is your best friend but can be your worst enemy. It is easy peasy to get a date a week with craigslist, match.com etc etc but much more difficult to make a date stick. I went on a thousand first dates but could never get a second date. This is the first rule of internet dating: GET A SECOND DATE.
The next rule regards what Betti went through: don't fall into a textual relationship; a 'webationship.' There was this guy I met on match.com, we'll call him Angry Man because that is his name, he was movie star hot, so I emailed him and we went back and forth and soon enough we began g-chatting every single night but were both so busy with work we never ever got around to actually meeting. We did start to talk on the phone and he sounded a little like Matthew Mcconaughey, which as a British person, a hot gravelly Southern accent is like oral porn, however we kept getting into the most heated debates/arguments on the phone, about the stupidest things; like which flavor cheesecake was better, things there were no right or wrong answers to. He would boss me around and tell me what to do which I kind of liked, but after a while it started to piss me off. However we both totally got off on the verbal friction. It was like we were an old badly married couple. We began to argue a lot more and then I was in NYC one weekend and he kept calling me saying he missed me and when was I coming back and of course we got into a huge fight and it was then that I actually realised...I had never met this person. We had had an entire relationship on the phone. We argued so much we couldn't even agree on where to meet! But we had such passion. We never met and sometimes I look back and ponder what would it have been like if we'd met? Would we have ripped each others clothes off or argued all the way down the aisle? It was a pseudo marriage; I knew everything about this guy, what brand of apples he bought to the names of his dogs. Betti was smart and pulled herself out of her webationship and tried to meet him, however I do think if at all possible you should still give him a shot, in a very public open place where I am watching with binoculars and a tazer.
The rules for internet dating are simple:
Meet the person soon,
Try and talk on the phone, you can tell a lot more about them from their voice then their text. Remember how brave you all are online?
Never use emoticons with people you've never met.
Don't comprise a message with TLA's (Totally Lame Abbreviations: LOL, BTW, BFF-you're not a Jonas Brother)
Don't put off meeting them.
Three date minimum rule especially applies here as people are so strange on first dates especially from match.com.
Safety first (Meet in a safe place and never get into their car)
Keep and open mind
The only escape clause from the three date minimum is if they are a troll.
Good luck!
Papa Churn
Monday, August 9, 2010
No more than five communications
I met this dude on an online dating site. He seemed great. We had a lot in common -- both have dogs, huge baseball fans, similar professions. He was really funny and charming. He was cute. I kind of liked him. I looked forward to his emails. We "friended" eachother on Facebook. Then I realized I had never met him! I was getting excited to "talk" (read: email) to a guy I had never even seen. We had made a date to watch a game but it was still more than a week away and I wanted to meet him in person. I was finally excited. Yay! So then I did this thing that I do when I like someone -- I read all of our past communications. And then I grew concerned. I realized we had written each other 35 emails in three days. That's crazy, right? Right.
I emailed him and said that I thought we should meet up soon because we had emailed so many times. I was afraid we were falling down a virtual rabbit hole where you think you know someone, develop an online relationship and realize you've been communicating with an 89 year old dude with a shrunken Beatlejuice head who hadn't seen daylight since the Nixon administration. So I told him I thought we should meet and asked if we could get together for a quick drink the following night (last Saturday). He replied and asked what I was looking for in a relationship. You may remember my response from "I probably broke every dating rule".
Me:
I can tell you what I don't want. I am not looking for someone that has a girlfriend or a wife or wants something sexually casual. Becoming friends, hanging out and getting to know someone better slowly is one thing and I'd be interested in that. Casual sex partners isn't something I'm into. I'm not saying you are, but I thought I'd throw it out there in case that was a question.
Him:
That is exactly what I want. Exactly. Only I want someone I can't live without.
Kind of awesome. Cute? Yes. Relieved? Yes. Small red light regarding co-dependency issues? Yes. But still I hadn't scared him away so, kind of awesome. I write back and say awesome and ask about the drink the following day. At this point it is 4:45p on Friday afternoon. We had emailed many times that day. I left work at 6:00p and still hadn't heard back. Weird. I went out (had plans with a friend) and didn't check my email until the following morning.
Him at 10:45p:
What are you doing tonight?
Him at 10:55p:
Here is my number - 123-456-7890 (not his number). Call or text me.
I have a standing workout appointment at 8:30a every Saturday morning. I got up and saw that he had emailed me twice the night before so I write back.
Me at 8:01a:
Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I was out at a friend's house. She was showing me pics from her trip abroad. Are you free tonight for a drink? Let me know. Here's my number - 123-456-7890 (not my number either).
Him at 8:04a:
I guess you're not interested anymore.
Him via text (first text) at 8:10a:
You're so beautiful.
This is where I start to get weirded out. Really? Dude, I just gave you my number and asked if you wanted to get a drink that day. What part of that says I'm not interested? And then the text. Kind of creepy since we've never met in person but benefit of the doubt - very nice. Thank you.
So I go workout. I was really late because I stopped to email him and, to be honest, I was totally late all on my own. So I didn't write back until I finished the workout.
Me via text at 10:15a:
Thank you.
Him via text at 10:25a:
You're still alive!!!
Um, what? Creepy? Yes! Seriously? I hadn't written back in two hours before 10a. I could have been up to pee, get a glass of water or walk the dog and gone back to bed. Stores aren't open before 10a. I have some friendships that have been threatened if I text before 10a. This is getting weird, right?
Me via text at 10:45a:
Haha. Yes, I was working out.
Him via text at 11a:
Training for the olympics?
Me via text at 10:15a:
No, just practice.
Then nothing. Then I start to get even more weirded out. Plus it's hot. Really hot. This summer sucks. Then I realize how much I do not want to get ready in the heat two hours earlier than necessary (I had a friend's birthday party to attend) for a dude that was creeping me out.
Me via text at 2:30p:
Hey there. Haven't heard from you about tonight so I'm guessing you're going to the show and you're busy. But I'll see you for the game next week. Have a great night.
I may have sabotaged this. I admit that. But I was creeped out. And hot. And tired. And kind of wanted to sit on my couch and drink a cocktail and not get ready to go out. Plus I had just gone out with the rat guy two days earlier. So I was okay with it. The "You're still alive" text gave me the ick.
Then Saturday came and went and I never heard from him. So I unfriended him on Facebook today and consider that chapter closed.
New rule: No more than five communications with someone before meeting them in person.
Probably should have thought this one through
He picks me up a little late, because he had fallen asleep, and we cab to Georgetown. At the bar where he's a regular, we get some drinks and chat with his friends. There is a group meeting there before boarding a party bus to National Harbour. When his friends ask him to bartend while they go out back to smoke, I started thinking "Perhaps I should sneak out now." Ordinarily I would have, but trying to avoid drama and to push myself, I stayed on. His friends are mostly alcoholics with a penchant for drama (pot.kettle.black), so of course the night involved a fight between the bday girl and her boyfriend. Him drunkenly running off and the bday girl being carried out of the bar to the bus. I felt like a den mother.
The rest of the date ("date") went well. We went to a few other bars, danced, etc. The Vet was pretty drunk by this point and starting taking what I was saying and turning it into something weird. A fight ensues and he heads home.
Yesterday he realized what an ass he was being and has been groveling since. I'm not sure if the perks of his groveling are worth it. He plans on taking me on a real date Wednesday. I might as well give it a shot.
I also have a date with a guy I met online Tuesday. OH! I also went out of my comfort zone and messaged someone on a dating site. My first ever. I don't think he'll respond, but that's ok. He's just a Democrat version of my Republican ex anyways.
Who paid: him
Bonuses: 2 joints and a ride to work this morning
and we shall call it hot mess...
Friday, August 6, 2010
and we shall call him cato...
hirshhorn part dos...
Thursday, August 5, 2010
It's Been so Long I Could Have Given Birth...
Well it’s been awhile…nine months to be exact...
I have to admit I let my churning slide last year when Betti stopped about the same time I met someone. Although the man I met didn’t turn into a traditional relationship, he has been the source of lots of excitement, frustration, emotions, and drama during the last nine months. Due in part to this new guy and traveling for work and the holidays, I wasn’t able to keep dating my DC men.
That’s not to say I haven’t gone on dates since November. I have, and am looking forward to full-blown churning again!
To kick things off for our first week, I went out with a man we shall call “the dentist” because, well…he is a dentist. Betti and I met him and his friends one night in March and they invited us to go to Atlanta with them the next weekend. It’s such a good thing that I work at a non-profit and don’t have a lot of extra cash or I would have bought a ticket right then and there. In the morning light the next day, we came to our senses and passed on the trip. However, I have continued to go out with him periodically and I actually have a great time.
This week we hit up U Street for drinks at Marvin and then to see one of my favorite bands at Jojo. It was fun. We met up with some of his friends--it’s sad to admit…but it really is fun being shown off and he was definitely parading me around to his friends. Ha! Well, I was wearing an amazing outfit and my new favorite heels.
I skipped speed dating this weekend with the ladies because I didn’t want to spring for the $30, and I’m glad I did since the Ambassador guy was there.
I’ve already lined up a date for this Sunday with a guy I met at my birthday party a few weeks ago so more to come…
For the record: he paid and drove me home
That's a...
I learn new things about myself every day!
*And yet dating a man with a picture of Reagan on his bedroom wall wasn't.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
It's like being on hallucinogens
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Hi Boys! (This is not my friend.) |
Being single and smack dab in the middle of the heart-healing process is like being on hallucinogens. I feel like my pupils must be bigger or something because suddenly there are some mighty attractive men in the capital city. Hi boys!
Monday, August 2, 2010
EAT PRAY CHURN
Tis I Papa Churn returned from a distant strange land (London) to encourage, berate, irritate and advise you churnlings. What experience do I have I hear ye yell? I was taught by the master of churn, my sister Madame Beef and am now well versed in the ancient art of dating.
Firstly the purpose of Churn has no specific purpose, it is what you make it but the fundamental strategy is to put you outside of your normal comfort zone. Is it hard? Yes. Does it take time and energy? Hells yeah. Finding true love is a hard process, but if it was easy it wouldn't be worth as much.
Firstly snaps to all of the our churners who have met the August 1st deadline with real vigor! Here are some mantras to help you along the way:
1. Be honest. Cheesy but true, don't play games and don't lead people on, be up front and clear from the beginning, you don't have to over share but if you're not interested in someone don't lead them on.
2. Treat others how you wanted to be treated. Simple but effective.
3. Keep an open mind. The likelihood is that you won't meet your true love jumping from a plane skydiving with a bunch of strangers but putting yourself in new situations helps to open your mind and encourages you to think about people you may have initially rejected.
4. Assume anything and you make an ASS out of U and ME. See what I did there? Don't assume that just because he's an accountant he'll be boring. Don't assume because he calls you straight after your date he loves you. Keep your horizon of expectation a nice flat spirit level.
Repeat these basic mantras churnlings and you will succeed!
Go forth and churn my pretties!
Speed dating in four minutes.
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This isn't me. It's a pic on the first page of results when you put "speed dating" into a Google image search. |
How does it work?
- Essentially, in straight speed dating, all of the women sit in one place and the men rotate to each lady. You get four minutes to talk and see if there is spark.
- There is no selecting who you want to spend time with. You talk to each person for the full time. Sometimes the four minutes flies by and other times it feels like you're getting stabbed in the eye with a needle for eternity. Okay, that may be a bit dramatic. Maybe it's more like having a mosquito buzz in your ear for four minutes. It's annoying but not painful and you're stoked when it goes away.
- Everyone has a name tag with their name and a number. Like I would be Betti #123.
- You get a sheet of paper for notes and you write down the person's name, number, something memorable about them and whether or not you're interested in seeing them again.
- It is very difficult to take notes. You only have four minutes (which can actually fly by) and you have to write down who people are and whether or not you dig them. Which can be kind of awkward. What are you supposed to write, "Dbag, no thanks." Weird.
- About 50% of the crowd were in IT or engineering.
- There was one guy who "moved to DC for a woman". He said it in response to every question. Eek. Sorry dude. They broke up eight months ago and he led with that. I think I'm further along in the healing process than that guy.
- A dude who asked who my celebrity crush was then practically jizzed in his pants talking about Selma Hayek.
- A guy who invited me for a midnight swim then asked if I would respond if he emailed me. He kind of gave me the ick but I didn't feel unsafe so I said yes. It's all about the churn.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
A new leaf. And popping.
When I first arrived at speed dating is was B-U-M-bummed. Claudia got sick and couldn't make it so I had to fly solo. I was dreading it. Worrying if I was going to make eye contact with anyone and wishing I could go home before it began. If I hadn't paid $30 up front I probably would have spent the night on my couch in my Target brand cheerleader shorts eating ice cream and watching Shark Week. But I paid the money so I went.
The first person I saw was the dude who Belle met last time we went speed dating. He was there. Again. And I couldn't judge because I was a repeat offender as well. I overheard him on the street talking about someone having shingles (ew?), took a deep breath, went inside and got a Magic Hat #9. (If you're wondering, no - he didn't recognize me. We had a four-minute mini date later in the evening and he didn't remember that a) we had a four-minute mini date last year or b) we sat across a table from each other for several hours on a double date one night last fall while he tried to woo Belle.)
As the dating started I was asked the same questions over and over again -- Where are you from? What do you do? How long have you been in DC? What do you do in your free time? Blah. Blah Blah. But then, it happened. This guy sat down. And he was different, in a cool way. He had purple hair and leather around his wrists. And I don't know how it came up but I told him that I was afraid to dance.
Side note: I am Brandon Walsh. I don't dance. When I'm sober. I've been known to cut a rug if I've had 37 too many but in general I don't dance. I don't like it because I stink. I'm horrible. Terribly intimidated and afraid of looking stupid. But I decided a couple weeks ago that this is the year I learn to like to dance. Not sure if that made sense so I'll type it again: learn to like to dance. I've been looking for dance classes.
Turns out this purple haired edgy dude is a dance teacher! I got so excited. And it wasn't fake it 'til you make it excitement but actual excitement. Huzzah! I immediately felt a change. My pulse quickened. My smile was genuine. And my eyes no longer felt sad.
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I'm turning over a new leaf. Ha! Get it? Do you see it? It's a "new" leaf. |
- Delete my online dating profile. (I'll explain why I don't think online dating is for me soon.)
- Sign up for a dance class. I will learn to like to dance! I'm either going to try popping or hip hop. Either way, this white girl whose hips only go in a rectangle is going to bust-a-move!
- I am going to do new things - sign up for events and activities. If I am going to spend time online it's going to be to find a field trip destination with real-life people, not talking to a 31 year old dude that may actually be 900 years old with a shrunken head like in Beetlejuice.
- Try to have fun. I am sure that this is a temporary high. I will likely be sad again soon. I anticipate this (healing process) will continue to be a series of ups and downs. But I am going to strive to have new, exciting experiences and remember that dating is just meeting new people. And I like meeting people.
For example, reading that someone likes to climb trees on their online profile is very different than meeting someone while you're climbing a tree. (Note: I haven't climbed a tree in years. I will add this to the list.)
This plan is genius is in its simplicity. I'm going to *do* things that I like and try new things to see what else I find fun. And I'm going to start with a popping class. It's going to be epic. And maybe, just maybe, I'll get an email from the purple haired dance instructor.
This is the song that accompanies this entry. It's about heartbreak but I think it's fun. And I am determined to find the fun from my heartbreak. Taio Cruz - Break Your Heart ft. Ludacris
Also, this is Bryan Gaynor popping on So You Think You Can Dance, in case you're wondering what it is. Obviously I will look like a giant asshole or maybe a giant goofball. Either way, I've decided to embrace it. Then after I teach myelf to like dancing, I'm going to work on hugs. Papa Churn would be so proud.