ASSUME NOTHING

Firstly I am so happy that Betti met someone, even though I cannot believe you didn't share. Too special? What are we? A box of Cheerios? Papa Churn frown, Papa Churn smile, Papa Churn has wrinkles from opposing emotions. I have not met the guy but am sure he is lovely.

Belle keep up the good work, however if these guys you're dating are beginning to bore you dump 'em just make sure you have another date lined up! I feel like you may be reaching a Churlump, which is a slump mixed with a dash of churn. Let's find a new resource of men for you-try something you don't normally do, go sky diving, join a book group anything that may get you to meet different men to the ones you're already meeting. Shake it up baby.

Now onto todays new dating tool, two simple words that hold a whole world of meaning and in the dating world the are the second or third most important phrase close to "Being exclusive" and "I love you". In the dating world you must never assume anything! A guy says he has a great job, assume he is unemployed, it says a guy is 5ft9 on his match.com profile, he's a teeny tiny nugget of a man, your man is perfect, don't assume you've found the man of your dreams, it ain't over till the fat Papa sings at your wedding. Even then don't assume you'll be happy! While this message sounds a little negative the point of it is a little insurance so that a) you keep things exciting and fresh in your relationships and b) you don't lose your perspective-keep a clear head.

The churn never ends.......even when you're happily with someone...one date a week, no excuses! I never said it couldn't be with the same guy!

Possible Churning Graduate?

I haven't updated the churn blog in a couple of weeks because (drum roll please) I believe I have found someone who I want to spend a lot of time with. Someone I want to get to know. Someone whose presence makes me not want to date anyone else. So this will be my last post.

I have actually had a crush on this guy for about four or five months. I never blogged about him because, in my mind, he was too special. Plus dating him involved some complications and I didn't think it would ever happen. I tried to push him out of my mind and date other people (one per week, like a good churner) in hopes I would find someone I wanted to spend time with. Secretly I compared every guy to him and nobody ever measured up. But I never admitted that here.

Well, long story short: we are now dating after a whirlwind week and I couldn't be happier. I've been smiling for days on end and my face is kind of sore because of it. He is wonderful and amazing. He is smart and kind. He is so cute I can barely stand it. And I feel like I can be myself around him. I am happy in a way I didn't know was possible. And I like it. A lot.

Belle has met him and she approves. Papa Churn has not met him but I have a feeling he would approve if he met him based on three things:
1. He is a fun, great guy.
2. He takes my breath away.
3. The first time we hung out alone the first thing he did was ask me for a hug. And I wanted to give him one.

I just want a Big Mac and America’s Favorite Fries…

One of the things that has been a challenge about churning is balancing dates with my already busy schedule of work and social engagements. In order to churn this week, I had to double book a bit.

The reporter asked me out for Monday, but I ended up having to work late so we moved it to Tuesday. However, I already had plans with some of my girls for a Ladies Happy Hour. So I met the ladies and then proceeded to meet up with the reporter on 17th Street to watch the infamous DC High Heel Drag Race. Unfortunately it was raining and already super crowed so I didn’t get to see much of the race, but got absolutely soaked. I ended up with really frizzy curly hair, but I guess he didn’t mind. After the race, we moved to another bar where we could get a seat. All in all it was a fun date. Not a lot of deeply informative or personal information shared—we talked mostly about work. I was starting to feel the booze and really, really wanted to go down the street and devour a Big Mac by myself, so I tried to leave. I told him I was fine, I’d just go outside and grab a cab and that he could stay in the bar…he didn’t buy it and wouldn’t rest until he had me safely in a cab…sans fries. He probably would have seen me to Mickey D’s but I didn’t want to go there and inhale a #1 Extra Value Meal in front of him. So I went home hungry, but it was a fun night.

The next night, I met Bachelor #136 at Gazuza for drinks after work. Since it was a weeknight, it was pretty dead so we got a great seat on the patio and could really talk. It had been weeks since our first and only other date so in some ways it felt like we were starting at square one. He is really nice and admitted to really liking me and being attracted to me, etc. After hours of sitting across from each other, he asked me to sit next to him in the booth and I did. We kissed a little, but mostly just talked.

For the second night in a row it was almost midnight and I hadn’t eaten so I tried to escape, but I couldn’t shake him. As we walked through Dupont we passed all these places that were open and I just wanted to duck in and get something. He finally left after seeing me to a bus stop on P Street. As soon as he was out of view, I ran to McDonalds and finally got some French fries.

Both of these guys are really nice and interesting, but I am starting to wonder how much longer I can keep this up. We have gone on several dates over several weeks and every week they keep asking me out, which is great and totally fun. I just don’t want them to think I am leading them on. I like hanging out with them, but there’s no spark. But I’ll ride it out for now and just take it one date at a time.

Strong Handshakes and Meat Breath

I just got home from a date and I am a bit amped up so I figured I'd tell you about it. I went out with a dude, let's call him Henry. He is in his early 30s and a college professor. My favorite bartender at my favorite bar set me up with him via a cocktail napkin. Awesome. We've been emailing for two weeks and finally decided to meet up.

We were meeting at 8:00p and I got home from work at 7:35p. I walked my dog and got home at 7:50p. The bar we were meeting at was only a block from my place so I decided it was okay to leave at 8:00p and be a few minutes late, which meant I had ten minutes. Did I fire up the flat iron and put on some makeup? No. I wolfed down two hotdogs and watched four minutes of One Tree Hill I taped from the Soap network earlier that day. The hot dogs were delicious. I then rinsed my mouth out with tap water and popped in two pieces of gum hoping they would mask the ketchup, mustard and processed meat on my breath.

I got to the bar at 8:04p and had to tell the woman who greeted me that I was meeting a man but I didn't know what he looked like. Awkward. I made eye contact with this dude at the bar in a red, very well pressed shirt. We did that weird, "Henry?" (scrunched face) "Betti?" (sideways scrunched face). After realizing we were the date for the other we shook hands. His handshake was one of those handshakes that are too hard and last too long and kind of hurt your hand.

I sat down and ordered a beer and we started talking. The conversation was interesting. He was very intelligent and engaging but had a bit of a professorial know-it-all air to him. Talking to him was fun but I didn't get a hint of a butterfly or a spark or anything like that. After two beers I decided I was ready to bail and told the bartender I didn't have enough time for any more beer. So the nice (but not helpful in this particular situation) bartender gave me a half beer! Of course I couldn't turn it down a free half beer so I drank it and stayed a bit longer.

All in all I was on this date for two hours and 36 minutes. It was about an hour too long but only because I was tired, it was a school night and I am an old lady. I don't think I'll hear from him again and I don't really care if I do. He hangs out in the neighborhood so I know I'll see him again, probably this weekend. If I do see him, I'll ket you know about it.

For the record: We split the check.

Belle of the Ball

This weekend Betti and I ventured out of our usual DC circles and attended a black tie party. I knew the Devil was going to be at the event and I figured he would be bringing a date. I wasn't offended that he hadn't asked me; we just had our first date a week before this thing and he was on the host committee or steering committee or something so he knew he was going months ago. As I mentioned in a previous post, he was in South Korea all last week. On Saturday morning (the day of the event and the day he was traveling home) I had a missed call from him at 2:56 am and then a text at 4:28 am saying that he was looking forward to seeing me at the event.

When I arrived at the event, Satan was standing with a group of people directly behind my ladies. We both saw each other and he moved toward me, but then stopped to talk to a woman in his group. A few minutes later he came over and said hello, but it was brief and since I was pretty sure the woman next to him was his date, I moved on to find my real date for the evening: Johnnie Walker.

A few minutes later, the Prince of Darkness sends me the following text: "Belle - You look great tonight. I have a date, but...we should get together at some point soon." I replied: "Thanks. I figured as much. Have a great night." He wrote back about his availability over the next few weeks (including a lot of travel) and again said he wanted to go out when he got back from his trip.

At the end of the night when his date went to the bathroom, he came over to tell me goodbye and explained that she was someone he had dated on and off, and that a few months ago they had been on and he asked her to this, but they were definitely not on now. Then he talked about how fun our date had been and that he wanted to see me. Even with the sleaze factor that he was texting me while on a date with someone else, I do buy his story about the girl. And I'm no angel...I have definitely been guilty of texting another dude while on a date. But if we do go out again, you can best believe I will be watching him and his phone.

Betti was making fun of me and "all my men" at this event. It was kinda comical. In addition to Satan, I saw the reporter who happened to be there working. At one point I was actually talking to the reporter and the Devil came and stood right next to me with his date (like practically touching me). It was weird. The reporter had actually emailed me earlier in the day (although I didn't see it until the morning after the event) saying that he knew I was going with the girls, but maybe we could meet up for one of the after parties. He did end up texting me a bit and tried to meet up with me after the event, but he was going to the official VIP after party and my ladies and I wanted to go to a dive bar in our dresses.

I also ran into Chris-a guy I had gone on a few dates with nearly two years ago. I'm not sure who he was there with, but he latched on to me and spent the last 30 minutes or so with us. I was actually on a date with Chris when I met another guy that I ended up really falling for...let's call him Roger. Roger lives a few thousand miles away and is actually the guy I'm trying to forget about or move on from through churning. So in my drunken stupor I thought it a brilliant idea to text Roger and reminisce about our first meeting...even though I haven't really talked to him since my birthday this summer. The texting was going well and he is coming here for work at the end of January and wants to see me, but he wasn't biting on my idea that we should see each other before then. I'm afraid some of my wit might have been lost over text and I may have ended up sounding like a psycho, but I can't really take it back now. I was doing so well too with the drunk texting of Roger...now I just have to stay mute until January and then I'll see him and I can be all crazy in person. Woohoo! Chris ended up texting me about after parties as well, but I was in a basement bar with patchy service and didn't reply.

I also spent a good portion of the night texting another guy so I did really have my hands full. It was a fun night. I woke up this morning still in my dress and with a self-made "to-go" cup of sweet tea vodka I had walked out a bar with and brought home in a cab. It's amazing what you can fit in a stylish clutch!

Dating Hallucinations

The Third Date Rule is so important and I'm not saying that if you're immediately repulsed by your date then you should see him again, it is for that gray area where you're not too sure. If in doubt, third date him. Then at least you know you have given 100% and that there is nothing else you could do. You have exhausted that date. There is now no certainty that you will get a Dating Hallucination.

Dating Hallucinations are when you've been on a date and then a few week later, usually at night when you're on your own wearing a dressing gown with an empty bucket of Ben and Jerry's as a hat and a spoon stuck to your mouth you look back and think:

"I am alone and bitter and twisted and wish I had gone out with that guy, who I didn't find attractive, not that he wasn't attractive, in fact he was kind of sweet, in a dorky way, in fact he had amazing eyes and yes he repulsed me but doesn't everybody? He wasn't that dull was he really? Maybe I should have slept with him because even though I would vomit on him at least I would have had some sweet loving and if I slept with him multiple times I'd be a size smaller and what if he had been the one.....WHAT IF HE HAD BEEN THE ONE?"

When I was at college one night I went to the town gay bar and made out with a small red headed man who looked not unlike a weasel. I was nineteen, horny and desperate, so basically ate his face off in the middle of the street. A good friend happened to wander by and see us, later she pulled me aside pointed her finger at me and said: "No! Ew! He is a small weasel man!"

He offered to buy me a drink the next night. I stood him up and instead went Line Dancing and had a great time. The next three years of college were baron years, I was totally single and from time to time I would cast my mind back and would think....Ginger weasel....what if? Except my mind is evil and plays tricks on me, suddenly he's taller and less weasely and red hair can be cute? My friends firm finger pointing at me always reminds me of the inevitable (that we were totally unsuitable-his hair glowed in the dark, imagine what seeing him naked in the dark would be like?) but I would have at least liked to experience that myself (okay maybe not).
If I had gone and met him, sober, and had an awful time then at least my memories would'nt play tricks with me. I would have closed the red haired chapter on the experience and vanquished any sick little rose tinted dreams about him.

Thus the third date rule sticks!

When the Third Time is Not the Charm

On Friday, I followed Papa Churn’s orders and had date #3 with the guy that took me to the German Ambassador’s residence. I liked that he asked me out and then made all the plans and I just had to show up. We went to Ceiba for dinner, which I have wanted to try and it was excellent. Then we went to see The Capitols Steps, a DC political satire troupe. It was another great DC date night, and yet again I was struck with the feeling that I would love to have this exact date, just with someone else. I noticed during the show that I was actually leaning away from him as far as I could. When I went to the bathroom before the show I saw I had a text from another guy about meeting up later that night. Not a great sign when I am hiding in the bathroom to text another boy.

Ambassador guy and I grabbed another drink after the show and then I really had to leave because I had a 6am flight the next morning for work. We were both metroing, but in opposite directions so he waited on my platform nine minutes with me. I really just wanted him to go away. Then he tried to kiss me, which was completely awkward. I’m pretty sure that is the end of the story for this guy. It’s starting to be painful to be around him and I feel bad that he planned and paid for such a nice date. I don’t want to lead him on so I’ll have to gracefully decline if he asks me out again.

I spent the last four days out of town for work and have an email from Bachelor #136 asking me out sometime this week. This weekend is pretty full with the black tie affair and some other parties so I’ll have to figure out when I can fit in a date this week.

For the record: He paid. I would have offered to get our post-show drinks, but he settled the bill when I was in the bathroom (using the facilities, not texting another dude).

Could it be...SATAN?

Work last week was insane, but I still managed to squeeze in two dates. When I woke up Thursday, day of date #1 for the week, I thought, “this is crazy, I don’t have time for this, I need to work…this is why I don’t date…maybe this churning thing isn’t for me,” but I had already committed so I went along. This was the date I had scheduled two weeks ago with a guy I met through my friend Claudia. This guy is great on paper: successful, good looking, involved in DC’s inner social circles, great little sports car…but so not the guy I usually go for. After this date, I know why…he is the devil. Even though I really like him, he is the trifecta of evil: he’s conservative, devoutly Catholic, and an arms dealer.

Still I had so much fun. We grabbed several scotches at a little bar on Capitol Hill. Due to the weather, the place was pretty empty, but they had karaoke. Satan ended up singing three songs: Thunder Road, Jesus Walks, and Changes by Tupac. It is important to note that Lucifer is a preppy, ex-Navy, Italian guy from Jersey so his rap selections were quite entertaining but completely on point. I used to date someone who loved to sing karaoke and it always made me very uncomfortable; however, watching Beelzebub sing was so fun and actually made me realize that I really like this guy.

Oddly enough, the issue I work on never came up so we’ll have to wait and see if he can deal with all my liberal tendencies and beliefs. I have been learning a lot through churning about traits I need in a man and ways I behave. On this date I learned that I should avoid cars…at least with the Evil One. This was technically our first date so according to churning rules I wasn’t supposed to kiss him, but I definitely ended up making out a little in his car when he drove me home. Must stick to dating guys that take public transportation I guess. But the kissing was fun. The Prince of Darkness left a few days later for South Korea (to do more evil arms dealing work I’m sure) but he sent me several nice texts and we will both be at a black tie party next weekend.

For the record: He paid and drove me home.

Are You Ready for Some Football?

It’s been two weeks since my last post and I have lots to update about.

Two weeks ago I finally had a date with the reporter I met at speed dating. We just grabbed a drink and watched his college team play football. Sports—specifically Big 12 football—have become a theme of my churning. When I used to meet a guy we would discuss the usual dating conversation topics including my job. I work on a very polarizing issue so I usually end up having very interesting, sometimes awkward conversations immediately upon meeting a new person. With churning this really hasn’t been the case. Maybe it’s because I met a lot of the guys on speed dating where we were given questions to answer that were not “what do you do?” and “where are you from?” In any case, I seem to be talking sports a lot.

So my date with the reporter was surprisingly fun. Very casual, I wasn’t dressed up and I wore my glasses. I actually double booked him and met up with the another guy later that night. Pretty sure things with the second guy are not on the road to progressing into a relationship, but with all the other churning distractions in my life, I can relax and just have fun!

For the record: He already had a drink when I arrived so I ordered myself one from the bar and paid, then he bought me a drink when he refilled.

TOUGH LOVE=TRUE LOVE

I feel so good! Papa Churn just danced around his kitchen! I may dish the tough love to my Churnlings but isn't worth it? See you've got to give guys a chance-3 date minimum works! We men are not as quick as you ladies and we take a while to warm up.  I'm so proud of my gals! Fly my pretties fly!

What is so great about Churning is the results. Imagine if you will a line down your television set akin to a bad informercial, on one side is a poor, sad, depressed girl and on the other is a happy, cheerful yet tired girl. Churning isn't about just finding a way to meet guys it's all about confidence! Doesn't if feel great even when the end result isn't exactly what you want? Don't you just want to run out in the street and start dancing like your father, and kiss people and scream and shout and say "Yipeee! LOVE IS REAL MAN LOVE IS REAL!"

Nope? Just me? 

I'll go back to my kitchen then.

Benjamin Button in Reverse

I went out last night with Tyler, the 25 year old dude I met a couple weeks ago. We hung out for an hour or two the night we met and I remembered that he was charming and fun. But he is five years younger than me - two years younger than my age minimum - so I didn't have high hopes for the evening. But because he was new to town (and because Papa Churn would say I should) I decided to go out with him. Because of my low expectations I planned on grabbing a beer, hanging out for an hour max and getting to bed early. Boy was I wrong.

Tyler is great. He is fun, engaging and a fantastic conversationalist. We were together for several hours and not once did I search for something to talk about. Not once! I had a wonderful time hanging out with him. And as the night went on and pumpkin beer was ingested I got a bit chatty and told Tyler that I was surprised I was having so much fun with him. I told him that I didn't think he and I would jive because he was 25. (Did you catch that rhyme?) He told me in a charming way that I was an idiot then informed me he was 27. Oops - math is hard*. (As Belle said when I relayed this story, "He's like Benjamin Button in reverse. He's getting older each time you hang out.)

Tyler and I ended up hanging out all night - I was out way past my bedtime - and ended up at a bar that serves jello shots. Last night jello shots were a brilliant idea, this morning not so much. I never thought I would be into a guy younger than me. I admit, I'm an age snob. I am pretty surprised how much I like him. I sincerely hope I hear from him. I'd really like to see him again.

For the record: He paid.

* Math is hard: So I met Tyler because I was mimicking my funny friend Dolly who had been the fake bouncer all night. She would pretend to be the bouncer, take the IDs from people when they entered the bar, look at them like it mattered, then had the ID to the real bouncer. I thought this was a super funny game so I tried it and carded two dudes - Tyler and his friend. I have seen his ID and I still missed his age by two years. I am shaking my own head in shame. I blame my good friend, Jim Beam.

Southern Gentleman Goes Boom!

I planned to meet up with Phil last night. He chose the location - a cool, new local wine bar I had never been to before. It was super convenient to my apartment, which was nice. We had emailed a few times back and forth and he seemed like someone I could dig so I was excited for the date.

I tried unsuccessfully to leave work early so I could "freshen up" (remove the eye crusties and brush my teeth). I left work later than I wanted to and when I walked into my place I found a weird smell. My dog had puked three times and pooped on the floor. Awesome. Super sexy start to the evening. After picking up the dog excrement I took my dog for a longer than usual walk to be sure she wouldn't poop while I was out. (Note: I felt incredibly guilty leaving her to go out with a dude.)

I scarfed down way too much (way too fast) for dinner because I was afraid of getting hammered and puking on Phil, there was enough puke in my night already. I left later than I had planned and headed for the bar at a sweat inducing pace. Then, in case I wasn't frazzled enough, I got lost. (I could get lost in a paper bag.) I ended up at the wine bar eight minutes late. But it was perfect because he was ten minutes late so I had two minutes to de-sweat.

I grabbed a table outside and waited. He showed up shortly thereafter and he was *cute*. A very attractive dude with excellent style and a perfect smile. I try not to be too shallow but I couldn't ignore how good-looking the man was.

The conversation was great. He was really funny and outgoing, interesting and engaging. We each had a glass of wine then each ordered a "Pirate Tea". It was getting cold and we thought the Pirate Tea would warm us up. Well, he ordered the Pirate Tea to warm him up, I ordered it because of the name. Aargh! Pirate Tea!

I asked him how he felt about a random girl asking him out over email when he knew nothing about her. He told me he had just told his friend, William Nelson, that he would consider going out with a random chick (me) and hadn't actually agreed to it when my email appeared in his inbox. Hello, Betti, the eager beaver. But he still went out with me - good guy.

In addition to being a good guy he was a perfect southern gentleman. He poured water for me before himself, had me order first, opened the door for me when we went inside and helped me off with my jacket when we were no longer freezing. I am not used to men I date being gentleman, it was pretty freaking cool.

As the conversation and Pirate Tea flowed I noticed a new trend. When Phil wanted to accentuate a point he would finish the sentence with "Boom!" Statement on x --> Boom! Statement on y --> Boom! Response to statement on z --> Boom! It was like the conversation was literally explosive. As the Pirate Tea consumption increased so did the frequency of the booms.

After two drinks and almost two and a half hours I hinted that I had to leave. (I wanted to get home and check on my dog plus it was past my bedtime.) When we got outside he shook my hand - no hug, thank goodness - and we walked our separate ways. I emailed Phil today to thank him for the drinks, tell him I had a good time and see if he wanted to go out again. He was fun and it was a good date, I'm not sure if there was any chemistry so I'm not sure if I'll hear from him again. If I do, you'll read about it.

For the record: He picked up the tab. True gentleman.

Embrace The Hug

Once upon a time there was a girl called Betti. She had great hair and a killer rack but she just couldn't learn to hug. Whenever she hugged someone she looked like she had just shat her pants. One day she met an old wise man with a beard and a red hat his name was Papa Smurf, I mean Papa Churn. He refused to say hello or goodbye without a hug so eventually Betti got over it and soon looked happy whenever she greeted Papa. Soon she was able to visualise Papa Churn's head whenever she hugged anyone and seeing his happy bearded face made her smile and not look like a shart had escaped. 

Anyone who knows Betti has immediate orders to hug her at all times and record what her face looks like. HUG HER! It took me around six months to get a smile from a hug with Betti so let's see what happens when we all hug her all the time. It will be like hug shock therapy.

Betti that was the best date ever. That date was movie montage worthy. Target was genius. Look how you excel at dating in just three weeks! If he is not interested after that then screw him. Move on to the next Churn! 

As for exit strategies I always think it better to try and leave before you get that 'is this over?' feeling. Your aim is to beat him to it so that you can walk away thinking wow I'm great! It's a competition and you must win! You want to leave him wanting more and be in control of the exit. Now this may mean leaving when your in the middle of having fun. I would have said goodbye in Target once he had made it clear there were no more gags and then gone browsing for DVD's. Try and have a get out clause prepared. "Oh I have to go debone a chicken" usually works for me, but something that indicates that you're not going home to watch Chad Michael Murray is good (p.s you watch One Tree Hill re-runs-SHAME ON YOU). "I had a really fun time, thanks" is even better, and open ended as it adds the mystery. He doesn't need to know where your going! 

Until you're comfortable hugging don't do it. I'm giving you a three week time frame to get over it. If he's not going for a kiss step back and let him fall in the gutter. If he wants a hug he's going to have to commit to a kiss. 

Hugs n kisses

Papa Churn

Surprisingly Disappointed

I'm writing this post at 8pm, which means I am home with my dog watching One Tree Hill reruns on a Friday night. If I were exhausted and thankful to be home relaxing that would be one thing but alas, that is not the case. I was hoping to grab a drink with Sam tonight but it looks like it's not going to happen. After our fun Target date Sam and I had a very brief text exchange (see below) and I was hoping it would result in a beer this evening. Luckily I made plans for later tonight with some friends so I won't be sitting at home wishing I was out. I didn't expect to see Sam tonight, I didn't even hope to see him but I am oddly and surprisingly disappointed I didn't hear from him.

Texts from last week
- Betti: Hi. Would you like to grab a beer this Friday?
- Sam: I'd like that but I have a friend in town. Next week?
- Betti: Next week would be great. How about Fri 10/9?

Street Meat and Kitty Litter

This is a long overdue post. If you recall the deja vu post from last month you'll remember this particular date was postponed. Well we went out a few days later (actually a couple weeks ago) and this is how it turned out.

My friend Margot set me up with Sam. Sam and Margot are friends and she spoke highly of him. We met at a bar on a weekend afternoon. Sam got to the bar shortly after me and he was cute and had a cool style. I could say that physical attraction doesn't matter, and to be honest it isn't the most important thing to me, but it was nice to have that feeling of shallow delight at digging someone's physical appearance.

After one drink we decide to check out a local street festival in the neighborhood. And it was awkward! It is difficult trying to maneuver through a super crowded street festival when you don't know someone well enough to grab their hand. It is uncomfortable trying to figure out who should take the lead and create a path in the crowd, especially when you can't hear. Sam is probably a good eight inches taller than me and that somehow made it a bit more awkward. Despite the awkward navigation Sam managed to accomplish one goal: he got meat on a stick. Street meat. Everything is better on a stick. Awesome!

After the street meat success it started raining. And this was my internal dialogue when the sky started spitting:
- Crap. My hair.
- I'm glad I wasted 30 minutes straightening my hair for this date. Awesome.
- Betti, you are not made of sugar. You won't melt. I can't believe I'm quoting my 7th grade camp counselor right now. Who gives a shit about my hair.

We continued through the street festival in the rain, passed a glaucoma testing van (this matters later) and finally broke free. The date had only been about 55 minutes at this point so we decide to grab one more beer byt couldn't decide where to go so we wrnt to Target. Yes, Target.

We decide it would be a great idea to go to Target and dare each other to do things. Mind you I now look like a drowned rat and I am a little bit sweaty (because I tend to get a little sweaty when it rains). Once in Target I dare Sam to ask the pharmacist what glaucoma is (we had been curious since we passed the van.) He walked right up to the woman and started with a little small talk and then very casually asked what glaucoma was. It was smooth and impressive. I stood by his side while he asked trying not to laugh. Then it was my turn.

Sam walks down one aisle then the next and ends up in the pet section. He points to a 25 lb bag of kitty litter and dares me to ask an employee if it would clean up the basement when my nephews pee on the floor. So I take a deep breath, grab the 25 lb and walk up to the nearest Target employee.

I go into this long explanation about how my nephews are very similar to excitable pomeranians and pee all over my basement floor every time they come to my house. (Side note: I am not an aunt. I have one sister who is also single and I swear my mother thinks she will never be a grandmother at the rate we're going.) I keep talking, spinning tales, wondering why this dude isn't looking at my like I'm nuts. Turns out - he's totally into it! He goes into all of the different unconventional uses for kitty litter. Apparently it is a very effective vomit picker-upper.

After I finished talking to the surprisingly knowledgeable Target employee I turned around to find that Sam was no longer standing behind me. I walked a few feet and found him doubled over in laughter hiding in a nearby aisle. He laughed while I put the kitty litter back on the shelf and told me he was impressed as he walked toward the exit. I had fun and thought we may do another dare but I guess one was it.

We walked out of the store and got to the corner where there was a metro and a bus line. I had that weird, uncomfortable are we done with the date moment. Then, when it was apparent the date was over, he went to give me a hug. So, something about me, I do not like hugging people, especially people I don't know well. (And don't even get me started on the obligatory hug-greeting.) So, he goes in for the hug and I gave him this uncomfortable half-hug because I felt weird and I was still kind of sweaty. After the hug he told me to give him a call if I was around. Um, dude I live here and you live less than a mile away, we'll probably be "around" quite often.

Despite my two awkward geek attacks, the lackluster exit and the mild sweat issue I had a really nice time with Sam. I would definitely like to see him again to see if there is some chemistry. Not sure if he was even mildly interested in me, I suppose only time will tell. But if there is anything I learned from this one it is that I need to work on my exits. And, maybe, just maybe, I am going to have to learn to hug people. Is it possible churning will make this New England ice queen a touchy-feely person? I doubt it but with churning, anything is possible.

Who paid: My friends have been asking me to update the blog with who pays on my churning dates so I will be adding that at the bottom of the post. For the record, Sam picked up the tab.

How I Chose to Contact a Random Stranger

Hi Phil:

My friend Dolly works with Susan who knows your friend William Nelson. Dolly relayed a message that you are an adventurous soul and may be willing to go on a blind date with a random stranger, i.e. me. If that is true - awesome and fun!

So, if true, any chance you're free for a beer or cup of coffee tomorrow night or sometime this weekend?

Betti

PAPA DO PREACH

1. Why Betti when you went into Butch's office did you not ask him for a date? What a great 'how we met' story that would be? It was already embarrassing what was left to lose? Your dignity was already gone? You should have just plain asked him out. However today I give Betti a gold star for effort. Congrats.

2. Belle on the other hand I'm giving an earful of Papa Love. OF COURSE YOU SHOULD GO ON ANOTHER DATE WITH THE GERMAN AMBASSADOR! Now yes he may be a little bit intense, and yes he maybe German and yes, he may a bit nerdy but just because he's a dork who doesnt know how to date doesnt mean he isn't YOUR dork who doesnt know how to date. Potential ladies. Potential.

Once I had a friend, let's call her Jess because that is her real name.
She met a guy called Tim, also his real name, in her second year of college/University. He was Freshman and clueless. He wore matching tracksuits (I'm not kidding) , was Northern (that's bad in the UK) and wore gold jewellery (Ew). Overall he was gross, a hot mess. Five years later they are married, he has great hair, amazing clothes and a new personality. He was a fixer upper. Now German Ambassador sounds like he needs just a new lick of paint and some dating lessons. Plus he's an Ambassador and isnt that kind of cool? Or have I been away from D.C for too long?

Papa gotta take a bath. Papa smells. Papa talks about himself in third person like Suede in Project Runway.

that girl WORKS AT MY FUCKING COMPANY

My friend Dolly has been great about churning. She has been helpful, supportive, fun encouraging and every other awesomely positive thing you can say about someone who has been, well... awesomely positive. On Monday she went super duper out of her way to help me find a date because, you see, I don't have a date for this week. I asked Dolly to help me find someone, anyone, and this is how it played out, with actual copy and paste from emails sent between Dolly and her coworker Butch.

Email Dolly sent to four coworkers, including Butch:
My friend Betti is trying this new thing. She calls it churning. To churn, you go on a bunch of dates with a bunch of different people. You just date a lot. She’s trying to go on a date a week. Do any of y’all know single dudes that would be up for a casual date this week?

--> After a couple of emails, Butch and company wanted photos of me.

Update from Dolly after some back and forth with Butch:
then butch forwarded me the request for photos, said his friends were being very, very classy and i said  jesus christ he needs photos?  and paul should stalk you like a normal person and then i gave butch your public facebook link.

--> Ahh, Facebook, the great connector.

Response from Butch's friend:
guys, you do know that girl WORKS AT MY FUCKING COMPANY, right?

Butch:
this city is really goddamn tiny

-----

Oh yes, that is right. Of all the men in DC, this email was sent to seven people and I literally work with one of them! When I found out that my Facebook page was sent around like a virtual calling card and ended up on my colleague's computer I was mortified. Then I was absolutely and totally mortified. Then I laughed. I made an excuse to go into his office and ask a question and he didn't mention it at all, nothing. I realized that I had to bring it up and make light of it or it really would be embarrassing. So I brought it up over chat and laughed about it and so did he. He said he wasn't going to bring it up so I am glad I did. Long story short: one less available dude for churning.

Not Awesome Tight Pants Party Pre-game

What does it mean when you're relieved you may have been stood up?

How long do you wait when a guy hasn't shown up for a blind date?

I was running late for my date on Saturday night and texted my date 15 minutes before our date was to begin to let him know I was on my way and would be 10 minutes late.

I got to the bar, checked all the floors for a dude who met the description of the man I was meeting. (Yes, the date was a blind date arranged through an online dating site.) When I didn't see him I sauntered up to the bar and ordered a drink. They didn't have my preferred low brow blended whiskey (I should have seen this as a sign) so I ordered something comparable and grabbed a seat on the patio to wait. The weather was fucking spectacular. A gorgeous, humidity-free 70 degrees as I settled in to a comfy chair to wait for my strapping 6'3" date. So I waited and then I waited and then I realized it was 8:18p. I'd only been there for eight minutes but this dude was almost 20 min late. And that was when I realized he never responded to my text sent more than 30 minutes prior.

So I waited some more, then I texted some friends and asked how long until I was officially stood up. I immediately got three texts back:
1) you are stood up leave immediately
2) oh no! this can't be your saturday night!
3) uh-oh, probably. that stinks. do you want to come to a tight pants party instead?

Secretly I was relieved. I told the bouncer and a table with two lesbians that I thought that I was stood up. The lesbians told me I was cute and went back to their conversation. (I think I went to high school with one of them.) The bouncer sat down at my table and chatted. He told me that he would wait an hour before deciding he was stood up and claimed to be stubborn. We chatted for the 35 minutes (the amount of time it took me to finish my drink) and this 21 year old college senior enlightened me on the history of automatic weapons and how they relate to football. At 8:45p I decided to leave the bar and take the bus to the tight pants party referenced in the earlier text. I chatted with some good friends, had a lot of laughs and drank very good wine out of a red solo cup. The evening was salvaged.  The date, not so much.

I'm glad I didn't spring for a cab.

Date fail.

Hello Mr. Ambassador

Preach on Papa Churn! I am in full-on churnava! Not only did Betti and I have a double date with two guys from speed dating last week, but I found myself with one of those guys at the German Ambassador's residence Friday night for what can only be described as a picturesque DC night.

The double date was fine...except that Betti and I hadn't talked much all week and were far more interested in ditching our beaus and dishing over cocktails alone. Still, we talked, we laughed, we realized we have no spark with these guys, but hey that's not the point.

German Ambassador guy is perfectly nice...he just tries too hard and is a little nerdy in the process. It's like he subscribes to a blog on dating along with the "Prince of Petworth." He asked me lots of odd, invasive questions about my friends and past relationships--even my ex-boyfriend's name. He said he wanted to know who my best friend is and who I tell my secrets to, and...excuse me while I vomit. His intentions may be good, but it was way too intense for a first date. Still the event was lovely, and a great excuse to buy a fabulous little black Calvin Klein dress.

Unfortunately for the first time in my churning I was standing there on a date, desperately wishing I was in that very same location just with someone else, and not just a theoretical someone...this time I knew just the guy. Part of the reason I decided to churn was to move on and stop obsessing about a guy that is geographically undesirable. I have been doing 93% better with this so I'm not mad at my one little slip. I wasn't thinking I would see Ambassador guy again, but if Papa Churn says three date minimum, maybe I should reconsider? He did call and I need to call him back.

Bachelor #136 asked me to brunch and a museum for Sun, but honestly I was just too tired so I suggested a rain check. I am turning down dates...I am pretty sure this hasn't ever happened in my life!

As I head into week three, I have a date scheduled with someone I met through a friend for next Thurs, but I don't have anything concrete lined up for this week. So I just messaged the reporter who has asked me out a couple of times over the last two weeks (always last minute to things he just got tickets to and I already had plans) to see if he wants to meet up this weekend. I would never have done that a few weeks ago!

Churnava and The Line of Balance

First of all, snaps to my ladies Betti and Belle for their mighty efforts of churn. You have reached a higher state of zen dating bliss and are now entering 'churnava' a state where churning is familiar and comfortable, like putting on a pair of familiar warm and baggy tracky bums (sweat pants to the Americans in the room). You're entering a comfortable state of dating when it gets easier! Fear not Belle, you have not climaxed yet, this is a test. The Churn is testing you, can you keep up the momentum? There may be quieter weeks where it seems near impossible to get a date and others where it is easy peasy lemon squeezy.

Belle has faced a confounding conundrum? The line? Draw it? Walk it? Ride it? As with all great heroes and heroines on epic quests of the heart, Betti, I put it to you to look inside yourself for the answers you seek! If the man is a freakazoid nutjob do not date him. If the mere sight of him bring up your Honey Bunches of Oats, just walk away. No one is saying you have to start going to the state penitentiary for your weekly date (who knows though? Big burly men with tattoos? Yum!) but also make sure your not writing someone off just because you're being picky. This process is all about balance my churnlings.

Which brings me to a new Churn decree. When you're not sure about a guy or gal, in the sense that they could be interesting /alternative or they could have a pile of bones in the corner of their studio apartment it is upto you to step up, roll up your saggy tights, don a wooly pencil skirt and morph into Angela Lansbury. Keep going! Investigate! Find out if this guy has a glint in his eye or if it is in fact a glass eye (true story). What makes him tick? Three Date Minimum Ladies! You never know how a guy may turn out so don't give up!

Bachelor #136

So it seems men apply the same type of "Swingers" mentality they use to determine how soon to call a girl to contacting a girl post-speed dating. Two days after speed dating, we received the link to contact participants and it took some men days before they contacted me.

Of all the messages, I only responded to one guy: bachelor #136, an attorney who was also the target of the drunk girl mentioned in an earlier post. After exchanging emails all week, #136 and I decided to meet for a drink Friday night. We met at a bar near my office (he lives in VA, but had taken the day off so he came to me) and had a really nice time. It took him a moment to warm up; we were making conversation but it just seemed cold, but we ended up sitting there drinking and talking for five hours. We talked a lot about work and our families, football and friends. By this time it was midnight and I was starving so we grabbed an empanada. This was a lot longer than I planned to be out and I needed to get up early the next day so I wrapped things up. Honestly, I was really tired and just all of a sudden wanted to get home. Doesn't happen to me very often, but when it does, I go with it. My cell is out of commission so he emailed me the next day to say he had fun so we'll see what happens. I would be up for going out again.

One guy messaged me and Betti both to arrange a double date, but that didn't work out for this week so we are going to try and meet up with them next Thursday. When he emailed to set this up, he asked me to call him about a "snazzy event next weekend that I might be interested in." I called tonight and he asked me to go with him to a black-tie Oktoberfest party at the German Embassy. I am so excited! Churning...I think I love you...

I also met another guy through a friend last weekend and we have been texting and might meet up Wed for a drink. It really is true that with all these options, I am obsessing and stressing less and focusing on just having a good time and meeting people. My only concern is that I'm peaking too soon with all this, and in a few weeks won't have any dates after this run. But for now I'm enjoying the fact that in addition to work events and other plans, I potentially have three dates this week!

Where do you draw the line?

I was out last night with some friends, having a few drinks and lots of laughs. It was a pretty typical and fun Saturday night. There was a dude there who was quite abrasive and questionably creepy. My good friend, Dolly, who has been a great advocate of churning since the start was talking to 'Questionably Creepy' and was trying to set me up with him for my weekly date. (Dolly is so awesome - eyes on the prize.)

After about 45 minutes of chatting and drinking a mutual friend of Dolly and mine whispered to her that 'Questionably Creepy' was indeed creepy and that she should stop talking to him and not try to hook up the two of us. So that leads me to today's churning question: Where do I draw the line when it comes to who I go out with? The purpose of churning is to date lots of people, including people I wouldn't typically go out with, right? I think I need Papa Churn to weigh in on this one.

P.S. After 'Questionably Creepy turned Actually Creepy' left I ended up hanging out with a 25 year old dude from NY who was actually charming. He got me to dance and I gave him my number. For the record, I am 30 years old and he is two years younger than my minimum age. In hindsight, maybe having a minimum age is a question for Papa Churn as well.

P.P.S. I don't get asked out very often so if I am only asked out by creeptastic dudes, is it better to go out with them and keep with the weekly quota or not have a date that week?

Deja Vu

I had a drink meet-up aka urban cocktail date planned for this evening when, in the spirit of Marcia Brady, something suddenly came up. He asked if we could reschedule. I suggested an alternate day. I'll let you know if it happens.

The History of Churning

The history of Churning can be traced back thousands of years to when Lindsay Lohan was just a cute little girl with freckles and Paula Abdul was unmedicated and dancing with the cartoon cat. There was once a lonely boy in a drizzly town called Coventry, England where there were no cute men, or women, or animals. Everything was dull and grey, so he up and left and travelled around the world to find true love and in the deepest, darkest corners of Australia (Sydney) he met an Australian. The Australian had known his sister and lived with her, so they went for cocktails. The Australian revealed a technique honed by his sister called...The Churn. The lonely boy was curious so the Australian promised to teach him all of the mystic art of Churning. "Confidence have you must," "Patient must you be"  "Practice makes perfect" and  "Love looked for not found" said the mystic Australian. 

Soon the lonely boy was lonely no more, through confidence he had five dates a week, through patience he waded through the bad dates and eventually least when he expected it the not so lonely boy fell in love and was so good at dating he caught his true love's heart.

Go forth and Churn.

Papa Churn

Bratops and Bible Poems

Belle and I went speed dating Friday night. The most memorable portion of the evening for me was this disastrously drunk girl who I will discuss at the end of this post because it has nothing to do with churning but was highly entertaining. Okay, so speed dating... I was more than pleasantly surprised how much I enjoyed myself. The 80 minutes flew by feeling more like 15. For those curious how it works: We had four minutes with each dude where they moved from woman to woman while us ladies stayed seated. It worked out evenly with 42 people - 21 men and 21 women, however, one dude bailed halfway through so I only spoke to 20, hence the 80 minutes.

The whole experience was strange while being a bit of a confidence booster. After we finished the speed dating session everyone mingled and we drank and chatted about nothing in particular. There were five men talking to Belle and me, which is not a common occurrence for me. It was intriguing and fun.

Of the men I chatted up I would be interested in seeing, well, none of them again but that's not what churning is about. After taking a second mental pass of the kind gentlemen I met I would actually go out with 18 of the 20. The two I wouldn't go out with: the close talker who immediately went into six, count them SIX, questions about my past relationships and whether I was attracted to men who favored their left or right brain. (He literally scared me.) The other guy I probably woudn't see again was the one who quoted bible verse to me. I'm pretty sure my non-baptized ass would give him cooties.

It's been three or so days since speed dating and I was not bombarded with messages from men dying to go out with me. It looks like the non-desire to go out again was pretty much mutual. There were two exceptions: one, a dude who I only referenced on my note sheet as "wearing a blue shirt"; and the other, two dudes who asked Belle and I out on a double date. We'll let you know what happens.

Okay, on to the disastrously drunk girl. So this girl was a mess. She wore a hot pink tube top and jeans and platform wedges that were surely going to be the catalyst for her head hitting the pavement around 1:00a if she made it that long. I'm going to call her "Bratop" because in her state the back of her shirt was falling down / folded over and that was literally stamped in huge letters on the inside of her shirt. She had the vague makings of a side ponytail, not because she was rocking a 'do like Tina Majorino but more like her head was crooked when she put her hair up.

So Belle and I are standing at the bar talking to this very nice dude and I notice that the festivities are about the begin because a woman is handing out sheets of paper and mini golf pencils. The first person she hands the sheet to is a tall dude in a Burberry shirt who was seated next to Bratop. Just as he is about to take the paper, Bratop raises her hand and slams it on the paper shoving it to the ground telling Burberry dude that he can't talk to anyone but her. (I think she missed the memo on speed dating.) The woman tries again with the same result. After three thwarted attempts she gives up and moves along. The show has ended so I turn away.

The next thing I know Bratop is standing next to us at the bar intent on monopolizing another dude. This time she takes his overpriced cocktail (why are drinks these kind of places always overpriced) and pours it on his shirt. Yes, she picked up another dude's drink and then basically threw it on him and the bar. Bizarre, yet dramatically entertaining. Unfortunately that was all the fun allowed because Bratop and her wing woman were escorted out by two dudes dressed in all black. (Thanks to Belle for letting me tell the Bratop story.)

Ready, Set, Date

Betti and I kicked off week one with speed dating on Friday. I was actually a little nervous, but it turned out to be really fun. There were 21 girls and 20 guys and we got four minutes with each of them. There was quite a mix of men there, and lots of them had driven in from NoVa just for this event. There were several guys I would consider hanging out with again, but no instant crushes. I did exchange info with a music reporter who facebooked me (and we actually have four mutual friends) and he sent me a text this morning. He was nice and I would definitely be up for hanging out.

From speed dating, Betti and I headed out in search of a bar to dish about our night. We were in an unfamiliar neighborhood so we stopped in the first place we passed that looked cool. Unfortunately, it was a little too crowded so we decided to move on and took a suggestion from the bouncer on a new spot just opening around the corner. The bar was nice and we settled upstairs where we could people watch and talk. I noticed a group of guys standing across the room and was gearing up to make eye contact and see if we could get them to come over and talk to us...oh, but I forgot we are churning. Can't just sit around and wait when you're churning. Betti marched us right over and played the "have you met my friend" game. We talked for a bit, but decided to leave after we finished our drinks. Betti is an excellent partner in crime. We have hung out before and had great times, but churning is really taking our friendship to a whole new level.

All in all, week one was a success.

Something Suddenly Came Up

I had a date scheduled this evening with a dude from an online dating site. He cancelled with 90 minutes notice because something urgent came up. This reminded me of the line Marcia Brady used when she cancelled her date with Charlie to go out with Doug Simpson a.k.a. big man on campus. The infamous (in my mind) line she used was, "something suddenly came up." Back to real life - the dude from tonight said he was willing to meet up three hours later than we agreed if I still wanted to hang out. Not sure what I will do or what I want to do for that matter. If churning is complicated, does that defeat the purpose?

Al Capone sans Cigar

I went on my first churning date and it was, well, okay. I signed up for an internet dating site and was set up with a man who described himself as "Al Capone sans cigar". He was perfectly pleasant, a very nice man. He was enthusiastic and engaging. He brought me a rose (pictured left) which was very nice. But, alas, there was no chemistry.

I think it is best described like this: He was a square peg and I was a ham sandwich. He showed up with a lovely flower which I am sure he thought was a chivalrous gesture. I wondered what I was going to do with a rose combined with babies breath wrapped in cellophane from Ecuador (that was what the label said). Then I wondered how long I had to stay on a date that I knew would go nowhere. It is a craptastic feeling to meet someone and know that you don't want to see them again. If you stay for a while are you leading them on? If you leave right away is it disrespectful? I ended up staying for 57 minutes. It was a pleasant conversation with a kind person I will not see again. And so begins the churn.

Baby Steps

I have to admit, this churning thing scares me a little. I don’t like to make the first move and I never ask guys out so thinking about the one date per week requirement makes me a bit anxious. But as my cohort Betti has told me, chivalry is dead…at least in DC, and if I want to start dating more in this city, I am going to have to be more pro-active. So I accept the challenge and am in some ways looking forward to this adventure. I think churning will change our lives. We may not all end up married (which is fine since that’s not really the goal), but I think we will meet some interesting people, take part in some cool events, and at the very least have some very entertaining tales to tell.

The Basics of Churning - What it's all about.

Churning is a concept that I learned about from some friends - a brother and sister from London. They both met their partners churning and insist it is a great way to work out the kinks and increase your dating confidence. It's not about focusing on your dates, but instead focusing on and feeling great about yourself. Below you will find a direct excerpt from the email I got from my friend outlining how to churn. He alludes to a report being filed on his desk. The ladies of Capital City Churning are going to do one better - we are going to blog about our weekly outings right here. So let's begin...

The basics of churning are this.......you must do everything in your power to go on a date a week. Now this means.....internet dating, speed dating, approaching someone you fancy, etc. It basically is a huge crash course in CONFIDENCE and THERE ARE NO EXCUSES. It's fine not to actually have a date a week as long as you have done ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING you can to get one. It is putting yourself out there and it worked for me wonders, its' not actually about meeting anyone its about getting the confidence and in the routine of dating so that when someone we really like comes along we're ready! Okay so...

TO DO:

1. SIGN UP FOR ONLINE DATING and DON'T BE PICKY. Remember a date is better than no date so even if you don't think you fancy their picture do it anyway.
   
2. Sign up for speed dating.
3. Join something you don't usually do.... e.g book club where you'll meet a new pool of people
4. Ask someone once a week for coffee.
   

I expect a report on my desk on date one by this time next week......READY SET DATE!

It's scary but really fun and a great personal challenge!