Thursday, October 22, 2009

Dating Hallucinations

The Third Date Rule is so important and I'm not saying that if you're immediately repulsed by your date then you should see him again, it is for that gray area where you're not too sure. If in doubt, third date him. Then at least you know you have given 100% and that there is nothing else you could do. You have exhausted that date. There is now no certainty that you will get a Dating Hallucination.

Dating Hallucinations are when you've been on a date and then a few week later, usually at night when you're on your own wearing a dressing gown with an empty bucket of Ben and Jerry's as a hat and a spoon stuck to your mouth you look back and think:

"I am alone and bitter and twisted and wish I had gone out with that guy, who I didn't find attractive, not that he wasn't attractive, in fact he was kind of sweet, in a dorky way, in fact he had amazing eyes and yes he repulsed me but doesn't everybody? He wasn't that dull was he really? Maybe I should have slept with him because even though I would vomit on him at least I would have had some sweet loving and if I slept with him multiple times I'd be a size smaller and what if he had been the one.....WHAT IF HE HAD BEEN THE ONE?"

When I was at college one night I went to the town gay bar and made out with a small red headed man who looked not unlike a weasel. I was nineteen, horny and desperate, so basically ate his face off in the middle of the street. A good friend happened to wander by and see us, later she pulled me aside pointed her finger at me and said: "No! Ew! He is a small weasel man!"

He offered to buy me a drink the next night. I stood him up and instead went Line Dancing and had a great time. The next three years of college were baron years, I was totally single and from time to time I would cast my mind back and would think....Ginger weasel....what if? Except my mind is evil and plays tricks on me, suddenly he's taller and less weasely and red hair can be cute? My friends firm finger pointing at me always reminds me of the inevitable (that we were totally unsuitable-his hair glowed in the dark, imagine what seeing him naked in the dark would be like?) but I would have at least liked to experience that myself (okay maybe not).
If I had gone and met him, sober, and had an awful time then at least my memories would'nt play tricks with me. I would have closed the red haired chapter on the experience and vanquished any sick little rose tinted dreams about him.

Thus the third date rule sticks!