On y va

I'll be honest. I'm not sure if I'm ready to churn yet. It's taken me a week to even start to write this. I almost used my cat as an excuse to not write. To be fair. she's laying on my left arm right now while I watch Say Yes to the Dress on a Friday night. I'm staying in on purpose though, to save money for the rest of the weekend (including speed-dating with the amazing, 4 dates this weekend, Betti), to recoup after 2 weeks of running non-stop.

It's been a long month.

The man I thought I was to marry told me he wasn't in love with me about a month ago, and had known this for some time. We'll name him "The Republican;" they don't get much more republican than him. He came without the side of Jesus at least. I'm still caught between the "I should have known by the way he treated me" and "The way he treated me was part of who I thought he was - busy, married to the job." I'm leaning towards I should have known. I know what it's like to be loved, or at least loved the way I want -

Enter my other ex. Let's call him the Vet (as in Army veteran). I was going to go with "Ranger" but then I'd just think of those bounty hunter books. I met him through a friend while on a break with the Republican, and expected nothing but fun and perhaps a light fucking and fucking over. Except he's madly in love with me, even 9 months after we broke up. This man made contingency plans for how to take care of me in case my cat died, noticed that when I think I make a point, I purse my lips, then get up to get water. I guess I like to let people think about how awesome I am in my absence. The Vet wants to marry me, wants me to have his (second batch) of children. He has issues, of course, some from the wars, and he doesn't take care of himself - things that would need to be changed before (if) I could go back. No matter what, I want the time to myself, to churn, before anything happens.

I introduce these two men because I know that at least Vet isn't out of my life, and probably won't be. I have issues with that, booting people from my life, although I'm a-ok being Republican-free right now.

So I churn. As I said, speed dating is Sunday. And I signed up for Ok Cupid. I've already gotten an invitation to a threesome and some cut and paste prose, along with something called "winks". I haven't responded to a single one. I'm not sure how I feel about the online medium yet. I'm more looking forward to speed dating since I'll be able to find a rapport. I will see the Vet tomorrow. He's hosting a party at a club in Georgetown tomorrow. Belle is being kind enough to be my gorgeous date (heels!).

Did you know that a "unicorn" is

In swinger lingo, a single female (often bi) sought after by many couples. They are thought to be so rare that they have attained the status of mythical creatures? Me either.

I probably broke every dating rule

So I signed up for an online dating site. I think I've already written about that. And I "winked" at this dude earlier this week. Since then we have emailed back and forth 36 times. 36 times! That is ridiculous, don't you think? I think it is, yet I've participated in the ridiculocity. Until I counted today (like a Sesame Street regular) I didn't realize we had emailed so much.

Because there was so much back and forth and I had a fear it was getting to the point where it couldn't be a real thing in real life I suggested that we meet in person. I literally only have about 90 minutes free this weekend but because the fourth dude canceled on me I have a bit of time. So I asked him out for a drink tomorrow night and he wrote back and asked what I was looking for. And I answered. Honestly. I think I probably broke every dating rule in the book. But I am a bad dater, that's my M.O. I've always been a bad dater, why break the trend? I talked about love before I even met the dude. That has to be wrong, right? Anyway, I felt the need to share the email because it's kind of embarrassing and I feel the need to use the blog to keep myself in check. So this is what I wrote:

It may sound cheesy and cliche but I'm looking for love. For the guy that I can live without but would rather not. That being said, I just got out of a serious relationship at the beginning of July and I don't know how ready I am to jump into something. I just signed up for OKCupid last week so I could "put myself out there". I don't think I thought any farther than that...

I can tell you what I don't want. I am not looking for someone that has a girlfriend or a wife or wants something sexually casual. Becoming friends, hanging out and getting to know someone better slowly is one thing and I'd be interested in that. Casual sex partners isn't something I'm into. I'm not saying you are, but I thought I'd throw it out there in case that was a question.

How about you? What are you looking for?

---

And that is what I wrote. Not sure if I should be embarrassed or proud. Not sure if he'll write back. Or if he'll want to meet up. Not sure about a lot. I am only sure that I was truthful and I *want* to be ready to find love. Oh and I know that I am not looking for someone who wants to grab my arm and use a rat sighting as a line...

and we shall call him pink sock...

so i met this boy at a once a month dance party in cohi called pink sock maybe two months ago. i was drunk. he had a beard. we made out. i went back to his place. we hooked up. he had clear glasses. lived in a group house. wears plaid. room was a disaster. grew up on a country club but rejects playing golf. totally the definition of hipster.

anywho.

weeks go by. we kept chatting. got drinks with him again. nice guy, but not my type. im not going to say that im like a 10 or something (prolly more like a 7? ... well, depends on... i digress), but he's just not cute enough for me. not that he's ugly by any stretch. but he's attractive enough for a hookup and for fun, but not a real spark there if ya catch my drift.

but we gchat. he's witty. i'm witty when i try. he's fun to chat with. he wanted to hang out this week. i had a vigil to go to last night for the arizona law going in to effect, so i said he could come over for dinner and then we could do the vigil and then watch a movie. which we did.

i enjoy his company. its kind of a second grade, cut each other down but in a witty fun way relationship. we watched zombieland which was REALLY funny and i love emma stone which i cant WAIT for this movie to come out...again i digress. so its like 11pm. we're chatting. tv is off. its 1120.

me: (internal thought process: metro closes at like 11:40 or something) umm are you spending the night?

pink sock: sure

me: (internal thought process: dammit, that was more of a, why are you still here situation) ok, i need to take my contacts off lets go to bed

then we go to my room. i didnt take my clothes off. well, i mean i kept my cute armani briefs on. we cuddle, make out a little bit. then i tell him to turn over and cuddle cause im tired.

and i mean, our bodies just dont cuddle well together. he's one of those hipsters who can eat and drink to their hearts content, and still remains skinny as hell (aka people i hate). and i dont know. it just doesnt work. and when i would spoon him he'd put his arm down in a weird way that would make my hand fall asleep and id wake up in the middle of the night with dead hand. then id lay on my back in an effort to not cuddle, he'd put his head in between my arm and chest. it was just a night of trying to find the right way to cuddle. it didnt work.

all this by way of saying. he's a super nice guy. and i feel like i'm leading him on. but i genuinely enjoy his company. i think i might be making bad dating kharma by continuing this process that we seem to be in. because i keep avoiding hanging out with his friends because i dont want them to get the idea we are dating. and i dont know what to do to avoid that awkward sleepover mome.

like, how do you go from hooking up with someone and you can tell they are more interested in you but tell them it was just a hookup but you like their personality and just want to hang out...all without sounding like a tool and/or hurting their feelings? particularly when im sure i will run in to this kid at some point in the future out. i'm all about trying to not burn bridges and keep a wide social network all at the same time.

is that even something that's possible? i mean can you do that and be a normal person who might randomly hookup with people and see them again but still want to date people and find a relationship? or do you have to completely separate those two things in your life...like you can date to find a relationship or you can have fun and mess around and live in the moment...but you cant do both?

ugh. dating is hard barbie.

song: every day is a winding road - sheryl crow

trust me. this song is so accurate for my life. and for me and dating. period.

Too Much Twilight

I just got home from my first date of Churning 2: Electric Boogaloo. I met up with a dude I met online at a cool, mellow bar near my apartment. He selected it and the location couldn't have been more convenient. We chatted. It was pleasant. I had one Miller Lite (over an hour and a half) and he had a gin and tonic and a Miller Lite. There was no awkward pauses. I talked a bit too much about Twilight (yes, the horrid vampire book series that I shamefully dig) but he kept asking about it so I kept talking about it. He was extremely engaging and polite.

After an hour and 45 minutes I told him I was ready to go and we left. He walked me home and my inner monologue was going nuts -- "don't kiss me. don't kiss me. don't kiss me. don't try and make a move. why is he walking me home? is he a gentleman? or is he thinking he'll make a move? don't kiss me. don't kiss me. don't kiss me."

He said he saw a rat.

We hugged goodbye (still not a fan of hugs) and he went in for a kiss. And I gave him the cheek. I think he thought about going in for a kiss again so I opened my gate. Then he said he saw a rat. Um, what? And I wasn't sure if it was a line that he thought would get me to move towards him or if he saw a rat for real. Either way I was done. I said "goodnight" and "thank you" and went inside.

I'm not sure if there was a spark missing or if I am simply a wet match that needs to dry before a spark can ignite. I'm still not sure if I'm ready to date but it was a pleasant evening. It didn't feel romantic and I got nervous when we made eye contact but I guess it's just practice. I'm going to keep churning until I am a dry match ready for ignition.

For the record: He paid.

And then there were four

So another guy asked me out for this weekend. We're getting coffee on Saturday. I will drive. I will go to Virginia. I hear the coffee shops in Virginia have parking lots. And air conditioning. Hopefully I won't get too swampy. So that means that I have three dates this weekend and speed dating. The first one is tonight. Ah! First date since my breakup. I am... um... what's the word... terrified. I just went to the store and got a giant brownie and nachos. I'm eating my feelings. Wish me luck.

Update: I just ate a cookie. Okay, two cookies. With frosting. Okay, okay I just ate a cookie sandwich. I feel sick. I am eating because I am scared. And now I will likely have gas when I meet this dude.

Update: Saturday coffee guy (dude #4) just canceled.

and we shall call him hirshhorn...

so met a boy last week. mutual friend. met him at hirshhorn after hours (for you non-DC kids, its a smithsonian they open up once a month after hours from 8-12 and theres a bar and dj and its really fun).

it was the gay night. obvi. so i was there. loud and proud. hit it off with (as we now will aptly refer to him) hirshhorn. end up hanging out with him and mutual friends the next day too. sposed to see a movie but the AC was out at Chinatown Regal so we all got gelato and went to the portrait gallery and saw the norm rockwell exhibit (which is faboosh b t dubbs).

so after some text messaging and facebooking (along with exact replicas with roomie of scenes from he's just not that in to you, exacerbated by no cell reception at our apt due to crazy DC storms Sunday) we decided to meet up last night (altho not a full date...a, not ready for a full date but lets definitely hang out...whatever that means).

so i go in to it just happy to hang out (honestly). he seems really fun. he's 34. owns his own place. lives in the land of peace corps volunteers (mt pleasant). works at umd. confident enough in himself to admit to geeking out (as in stayed in saturday night to have a raid with others on world of warcraft...stop judging, i thought it was weirdly attractive). and yeah, he's funny.

so meet him in cohi after spin class at the gym. we're both hungry. he suggests the heights. they have allagash white on tap. im game. we go. get a booth. break bread (literally mwahaha). drink some wine (him) and allagash (me). then he asks, so wait, how do you fit in to this group?

AWKWARD.

then i say i know one of his best friends, met him right after i moved here.

hirshhorn: how?

me: online

hirshhorn: like, what online?

me: ummm

hirshhorn: [quizzical look]

me: we might have hooked up

now keep in mind. this friend. might be partnered with his other best friend. they've all been friends for like 16 years. since frosh year of college. clearly they have an open relationship. but JESUS. i wasnt quick enough on my feet to cover that shit up. so then its all "well, now we see each other like every 2 weeks, we have lunch all the time, i see him socially, he's just been a really good friend to me...blah blah"

SO BAD.

but, that was the beginning of the night. like before 9pm. and i met him at 830.

dinner ends. he suggests froyo. so we get fro.zen.yo and then sit out at the park at 14th/kenyon. talked until 11:30. it was great. no awkwardness. conversation flowed. lots of eye contact. smiling (and smiling with the eyes too, tyra would be so proud).

time to leave so i can catch last metro. hug (tight cheeks touching...no kiss, but we are cohi metro stop...not exactly a gay haven and/or approps place to kiss if we were to).

hirshhorn: i had a really good time, we definitely need to do it again, i wish you were going tubing with us saturday

me: aw i know, me too

(clearly not bathing suit ready to go tubing on a second hang out...no ma'am)

then chatted for another minute (after the goodbye) with awkward sexual tension eye stares.

so. hopefully there shall be a repeat of this one. and by hopefully i mean yes. there will be.

and ive decided im going to end each post with a tagline. my tagline will be something related to music as that's one of my biggest passions.

sia - clap your hands.

because (not that i have sadness in my life) but this relates to awakening my dating life for something more. plus, ummm, sia is just amazing and i love this song.

Fake it 'til you make it

The August 1 churning deadline is fast approaching and I am starting to panic. I am firmly practicing "fake it 'til you make it" and it is keeping me busy. I am still really optimistic and excited but I wish I could keep the sad at bay.

I'm not sure I'm ready to date but I know that I never will be unless I start. My friends tell me it's always hard to go on a first date after you've had your heart broken so I figured I would bite the bullet and just do it.

I signed up for an online dating site but I was stil worried that I wouldn't have a date for the first week. I am a woman of my word *and* I did say I would have a date the first week in August so I signed up for speed dating. Again. Shoot me. In the face. It sounds miserable (especially because I don't particularly want to date now anyway) but I see it as jumping in the deep end of the pool or ripping the bandaid off with one swift motion. Whichever cliche you prefer, I figure it's a good way to join the dating scene again.

Then a guy from the online dating site asked me out. And then another one did. Jeesh when it rains it pours - watch - I will have no dates two weeks from now. But for now I have two dates plus speed dating all scheduled for this weekend. I'll try and post about all of it. And I will continue to "fake it 'til I make it". I'm looking forward to when it is just plain fun.

churning...lets hope this works for the gays too.

so. hello.

new to this blog. new to this theory of churning. but i'm enjoying the thought.

so i'm gonna be the gay churner. hence the name rick.mark.steve. which if you dont know this reference (::cough cough::steel magnolias::cough cough::), you are either a straight male or a girl i dont ever want to be friends with. phew. glad we got that out of the way early.

lets make a few things about my dating history clear. ive only been in love once. ive never really made an effort to be in a relationship since then (about 4.5 years ago) because i realized how selfish i was in my life. i had fun meeting people and going on dates and general companionship, but knew i couldnt actually incorporate anyone in to my decision making process. i'm decent at dating. i know to listen to the other person rather than talk the whole time, ask questions, do fun things, and im creative at coming up with dates. but now i want it to be more than just dating.

now that ive finally settled in to a new job, a new life, and everything is going great in pretty much every other aspect of my life, i think im ready to finally call someone a boyfriend. to actually let myself be vulnerable and find the possibility of love again. who knows. its scary but exciting.

and the two things i think are almost synonymous with being gay and dating, but just want to make sure this is well-known.

1. i might on outward appearances with friends and family have all the confidence in the world. but when it comes to dating, confidence factor equals zero. i get nervous. i dont understand certain social cues. i second guess everything i do. i constantly ask friends for advice. i get text messages approved by at least two friends before i send it. its alot.

2. dating makes me crazy. im pretty sane in all other aspects of my life. however. the whole instant connection thing, facebook, texting, calling, work, email, iphone, blackberry, etc. makes me constantly feel like i'm in a scene from he's just not that in to you. again, refer to previous note.

on that note, i am starting my churning this week. i've decided that meeting someone for drinks to see if they want to go on a date qualifies as churning. so yeah. give it a few days. and you'll be hearing from me again.

Does Online Dating Require a Passport?

In anticipation of the August 1 churning start date I signed up for an online dating site. Online dating is nutty. I understand that it is an efficient way to meet people but it seems like a way to avoid dating while at the same time obsess about dating. There is winking. And messaging. And rating. And chatting. Uploading photos. Taking quizzes. It is a complete time-suck and there is so much you can do before you actually meet the person in real life. It seems like an easy trap for people with obsessive personalities, like yours truly, to fall into - that results in spending way too much time thinking about a virtual stranger.

But most of all, it makes me feel slightly inadequate. I swear - every person's post I read highlights the fact that they're a "fuckin' world traveler". (Picture me saying that like Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny.) I don't travel very much. Who am I kidding, I don't travel at all. My lack of frequent flier miles makes me feel like I don't belong in the world of online dating. I feel like my cultural capital rating doesn't score high enough on the scale to warrant dating a dude who had a pizza party on the Great Wall of China. (Okay, I made that last part up.)

Is it weird that I just want to get down to the meeting of people? Maybe it stems from my lack of patience or my desire to be direct. I want to meet in person. I don't want to waste time chatting and overusing emoticons. To me: there is something off-putting about a guy who wants to chat for a while before going on a date. Is it inappropriate to meet up right away? Am I a scary, non-traveled chick who doesn't "get" online dating?

I wish there was a quiz called, "Are you a Serial Killer?" Because if a straight dude in my desired age range passed that quiz I think I'd email him and say, "Hey. I see you aren't a serial killer. Awesome. Want to get a cup of coffee? I need to go on one date a week and I need to fill my quota."

... and I'm back!

Hello churning friends. I am sadly and excitedly single once again. The guy that I thought was "the guy" turned out to be a great boyfriend but not "the one", or "forever" or whatever the kids are calling it these days.

So why "sadly" single? Because breaking up is sad. My first foray into heartbreak is sad. But now I know what love feels like and I want it again. I want it bigger and better and more awesome. And that is where the "excitedly" single part comes in. I am stoked to go out and meet dudes and go on dates. I am pumped to meet the next guy that helps me laugh and smile and think and love. I want to find adventure and experience new things. I want to be challenged. Game on boys. I now have even more experience and a better sense of what I want and more importantly, what I need. I'm ready to find him - the guy I can live without but would rather live with. Forever.

I broke up with my ex at the beginning of July so I gave myself one month to heal before the churning began, which means we're closing in on it. It's all about faking it 'til you make it, friends. So, starting August 1, there will be one date per week. No exceptions.  And this time around it will be even better. We have a new look to the blog. A fresh look for a fresh start and we'll be having a new blogger or two, which means even more fun dates to read about. It's going to be great. I can feel it.