ASSUME NOTHING

Firstly I am so happy that Betti met someone, even though I cannot believe you didn't share. Too special? What are we? A box of Cheerios? Papa Churn frown, Papa Churn smile, Papa Churn has wrinkles from opposing emotions. I have not met the guy but am sure he is lovely.

Belle keep up the good work, however if these guys you're dating are beginning to bore you dump 'em just make sure you have another date lined up! I feel like you may be reaching a Churlump, which is a slump mixed with a dash of churn. Let's find a new resource of men for you-try something you don't normally do, go sky diving, join a book group anything that may get you to meet different men to the ones you're already meeting. Shake it up baby.

Now onto todays new dating tool, two simple words that hold a whole world of meaning and in the dating world the are the second or third most important phrase close to "Being exclusive" and "I love you". In the dating world you must never assume anything! A guy says he has a great job, assume he is unemployed, it says a guy is 5ft9 on his match.com profile, he's a teeny tiny nugget of a man, your man is perfect, don't assume you've found the man of your dreams, it ain't over till the fat Papa sings at your wedding. Even then don't assume you'll be happy! While this message sounds a little negative the point of it is a little insurance so that a) you keep things exciting and fresh in your relationships and b) you don't lose your perspective-keep a clear head.

The churn never ends.......even when you're happily with someone...one date a week, no excuses! I never said it couldn't be with the same guy!

Possible Churning Graduate?

I haven't updated the churn blog in a couple of weeks because (drum roll please) I believe I have found someone who I want to spend a lot of time with. Someone I want to get to know. Someone whose presence makes me not want to date anyone else. So this will be my last post.

I have actually had a crush on this guy for about four or five months. I never blogged about him because, in my mind, he was too special. Plus dating him involved some complications and I didn't think it would ever happen. I tried to push him out of my mind and date other people (one per week, like a good churner) in hopes I would find someone I wanted to spend time with. Secretly I compared every guy to him and nobody ever measured up. But I never admitted that here.

Well, long story short: we are now dating after a whirlwind week and I couldn't be happier. I've been smiling for days on end and my face is kind of sore because of it. He is wonderful and amazing. He is smart and kind. He is so cute I can barely stand it. And I feel like I can be myself around him. I am happy in a way I didn't know was possible. And I like it. A lot.

Belle has met him and she approves. Papa Churn has not met him but I have a feeling he would approve if he met him based on three things:
1. He is a fun, great guy.
2. He takes my breath away.
3. The first time we hung out alone the first thing he did was ask me for a hug. And I wanted to give him one.

I just want a Big Mac and America’s Favorite Fries…

One of the things that has been a challenge about churning is balancing dates with my already busy schedule of work and social engagements. In order to churn this week, I had to double book a bit.

The reporter asked me out for Monday, but I ended up having to work late so we moved it to Tuesday. However, I already had plans with some of my girls for a Ladies Happy Hour. So I met the ladies and then proceeded to meet up with the reporter on 17th Street to watch the infamous DC High Heel Drag Race. Unfortunately it was raining and already super crowed so I didn’t get to see much of the race, but got absolutely soaked. I ended up with really frizzy curly hair, but I guess he didn’t mind. After the race, we moved to another bar where we could get a seat. All in all it was a fun date. Not a lot of deeply informative or personal information shared—we talked mostly about work. I was starting to feel the booze and really, really wanted to go down the street and devour a Big Mac by myself, so I tried to leave. I told him I was fine, I’d just go outside and grab a cab and that he could stay in the bar…he didn’t buy it and wouldn’t rest until he had me safely in a cab…sans fries. He probably would have seen me to Mickey D’s but I didn’t want to go there and inhale a #1 Extra Value Meal in front of him. So I went home hungry, but it was a fun night.

The next night, I met Bachelor #136 at Gazuza for drinks after work. Since it was a weeknight, it was pretty dead so we got a great seat on the patio and could really talk. It had been weeks since our first and only other date so in some ways it felt like we were starting at square one. He is really nice and admitted to really liking me and being attracted to me, etc. After hours of sitting across from each other, he asked me to sit next to him in the booth and I did. We kissed a little, but mostly just talked.

For the second night in a row it was almost midnight and I hadn’t eaten so I tried to escape, but I couldn’t shake him. As we walked through Dupont we passed all these places that were open and I just wanted to duck in and get something. He finally left after seeing me to a bus stop on P Street. As soon as he was out of view, I ran to McDonalds and finally got some French fries.

Both of these guys are really nice and interesting, but I am starting to wonder how much longer I can keep this up. We have gone on several dates over several weeks and every week they keep asking me out, which is great and totally fun. I just don’t want them to think I am leading them on. I like hanging out with them, but there’s no spark. But I’ll ride it out for now and just take it one date at a time.

Strong Handshakes and Meat Breath

I just got home from a date and I am a bit amped up so I figured I'd tell you about it. I went out with a dude, let's call him Henry. He is in his early 30s and a college professor. My favorite bartender at my favorite bar set me up with him via a cocktail napkin. Awesome. We've been emailing for two weeks and finally decided to meet up.

We were meeting at 8:00p and I got home from work at 7:35p. I walked my dog and got home at 7:50p. The bar we were meeting at was only a block from my place so I decided it was okay to leave at 8:00p and be a few minutes late, which meant I had ten minutes. Did I fire up the flat iron and put on some makeup? No. I wolfed down two hotdogs and watched four minutes of One Tree Hill I taped from the Soap network earlier that day. The hot dogs were delicious. I then rinsed my mouth out with tap water and popped in two pieces of gum hoping they would mask the ketchup, mustard and processed meat on my breath.

I got to the bar at 8:04p and had to tell the woman who greeted me that I was meeting a man but I didn't know what he looked like. Awkward. I made eye contact with this dude at the bar in a red, very well pressed shirt. We did that weird, "Henry?" (scrunched face) "Betti?" (sideways scrunched face). After realizing we were the date for the other we shook hands. His handshake was one of those handshakes that are too hard and last too long and kind of hurt your hand.

I sat down and ordered a beer and we started talking. The conversation was interesting. He was very intelligent and engaging but had a bit of a professorial know-it-all air to him. Talking to him was fun but I didn't get a hint of a butterfly or a spark or anything like that. After two beers I decided I was ready to bail and told the bartender I didn't have enough time for any more beer. So the nice (but not helpful in this particular situation) bartender gave me a half beer! Of course I couldn't turn it down a free half beer so I drank it and stayed a bit longer.

All in all I was on this date for two hours and 36 minutes. It was about an hour too long but only because I was tired, it was a school night and I am an old lady. I don't think I'll hear from him again and I don't really care if I do. He hangs out in the neighborhood so I know I'll see him again, probably this weekend. If I do see him, I'll ket you know about it.

For the record: We split the check.

Belle of the Ball

This weekend Betti and I ventured out of our usual DC circles and attended a black tie party. I knew the Devil was going to be at the event and I figured he would be bringing a date. I wasn't offended that he hadn't asked me; we just had our first date a week before this thing and he was on the host committee or steering committee or something so he knew he was going months ago. As I mentioned in a previous post, he was in South Korea all last week. On Saturday morning (the day of the event and the day he was traveling home) I had a missed call from him at 2:56 am and then a text at 4:28 am saying that he was looking forward to seeing me at the event.

When I arrived at the event, Satan was standing with a group of people directly behind my ladies. We both saw each other and he moved toward me, but then stopped to talk to a woman in his group. A few minutes later he came over and said hello, but it was brief and since I was pretty sure the woman next to him was his date, I moved on to find my real date for the evening: Johnnie Walker.

A few minutes later, the Prince of Darkness sends me the following text: "Belle - You look great tonight. I have a date, but...we should get together at some point soon." I replied: "Thanks. I figured as much. Have a great night." He wrote back about his availability over the next few weeks (including a lot of travel) and again said he wanted to go out when he got back from his trip.

At the end of the night when his date went to the bathroom, he came over to tell me goodbye and explained that she was someone he had dated on and off, and that a few months ago they had been on and he asked her to this, but they were definitely not on now. Then he talked about how fun our date had been and that he wanted to see me. Even with the sleaze factor that he was texting me while on a date with someone else, I do buy his story about the girl. And I'm no angel...I have definitely been guilty of texting another dude while on a date. But if we do go out again, you can best believe I will be watching him and his phone.

Betti was making fun of me and "all my men" at this event. It was kinda comical. In addition to Satan, I saw the reporter who happened to be there working. At one point I was actually talking to the reporter and the Devil came and stood right next to me with his date (like practically touching me). It was weird. The reporter had actually emailed me earlier in the day (although I didn't see it until the morning after the event) saying that he knew I was going with the girls, but maybe we could meet up for one of the after parties. He did end up texting me a bit and tried to meet up with me after the event, but he was going to the official VIP after party and my ladies and I wanted to go to a dive bar in our dresses.

I also ran into Chris-a guy I had gone on a few dates with nearly two years ago. I'm not sure who he was there with, but he latched on to me and spent the last 30 minutes or so with us. I was actually on a date with Chris when I met another guy that I ended up really falling for...let's call him Roger. Roger lives a few thousand miles away and is actually the guy I'm trying to forget about or move on from through churning. So in my drunken stupor I thought it a brilliant idea to text Roger and reminisce about our first meeting...even though I haven't really talked to him since my birthday this summer. The texting was going well and he is coming here for work at the end of January and wants to see me, but he wasn't biting on my idea that we should see each other before then. I'm afraid some of my wit might have been lost over text and I may have ended up sounding like a psycho, but I can't really take it back now. I was doing so well too with the drunk texting of Roger...now I just have to stay mute until January and then I'll see him and I can be all crazy in person. Woohoo! Chris ended up texting me about after parties as well, but I was in a basement bar with patchy service and didn't reply.

I also spent a good portion of the night texting another guy so I did really have my hands full. It was a fun night. I woke up this morning still in my dress and with a self-made "to-go" cup of sweet tea vodka I had walked out a bar with and brought home in a cab. It's amazing what you can fit in a stylish clutch!

Dating Hallucinations

The Third Date Rule is so important and I'm not saying that if you're immediately repulsed by your date then you should see him again, it is for that gray area where you're not too sure. If in doubt, third date him. Then at least you know you have given 100% and that there is nothing else you could do. You have exhausted that date. There is now no certainty that you will get a Dating Hallucination.

Dating Hallucinations are when you've been on a date and then a few week later, usually at night when you're on your own wearing a dressing gown with an empty bucket of Ben and Jerry's as a hat and a spoon stuck to your mouth you look back and think:

"I am alone and bitter and twisted and wish I had gone out with that guy, who I didn't find attractive, not that he wasn't attractive, in fact he was kind of sweet, in a dorky way, in fact he had amazing eyes and yes he repulsed me but doesn't everybody? He wasn't that dull was he really? Maybe I should have slept with him because even though I would vomit on him at least I would have had some sweet loving and if I slept with him multiple times I'd be a size smaller and what if he had been the one.....WHAT IF HE HAD BEEN THE ONE?"

When I was at college one night I went to the town gay bar and made out with a small red headed man who looked not unlike a weasel. I was nineteen, horny and desperate, so basically ate his face off in the middle of the street. A good friend happened to wander by and see us, later she pulled me aside pointed her finger at me and said: "No! Ew! He is a small weasel man!"

He offered to buy me a drink the next night. I stood him up and instead went Line Dancing and had a great time. The next three years of college were baron years, I was totally single and from time to time I would cast my mind back and would think....Ginger weasel....what if? Except my mind is evil and plays tricks on me, suddenly he's taller and less weasely and red hair can be cute? My friends firm finger pointing at me always reminds me of the inevitable (that we were totally unsuitable-his hair glowed in the dark, imagine what seeing him naked in the dark would be like?) but I would have at least liked to experience that myself (okay maybe not).
If I had gone and met him, sober, and had an awful time then at least my memories would'nt play tricks with me. I would have closed the red haired chapter on the experience and vanquished any sick little rose tinted dreams about him.

Thus the third date rule sticks!

When the Third Time is Not the Charm

On Friday, I followed Papa Churn’s orders and had date #3 with the guy that took me to the German Ambassador’s residence. I liked that he asked me out and then made all the plans and I just had to show up. We went to Ceiba for dinner, which I have wanted to try and it was excellent. Then we went to see The Capitols Steps, a DC political satire troupe. It was another great DC date night, and yet again I was struck with the feeling that I would love to have this exact date, just with someone else. I noticed during the show that I was actually leaning away from him as far as I could. When I went to the bathroom before the show I saw I had a text from another guy about meeting up later that night. Not a great sign when I am hiding in the bathroom to text another boy.

Ambassador guy and I grabbed another drink after the show and then I really had to leave because I had a 6am flight the next morning for work. We were both metroing, but in opposite directions so he waited on my platform nine minutes with me. I really just wanted him to go away. Then he tried to kiss me, which was completely awkward. I’m pretty sure that is the end of the story for this guy. It’s starting to be painful to be around him and I feel bad that he planned and paid for such a nice date. I don’t want to lead him on so I’ll have to gracefully decline if he asks me out again.

I spent the last four days out of town for work and have an email from Bachelor #136 asking me out sometime this week. This weekend is pretty full with the black tie affair and some other parties so I’ll have to figure out when I can fit in a date this week.

For the record: He paid. I would have offered to get our post-show drinks, but he settled the bill when I was in the bathroom (using the facilities, not texting another dude).