Dingbats.

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Are men dingbats? Either they are or I am more charming than I realize. But I really think it's the former. I got an email from Harry saying he had a great time chatting with me and wanted to know when we would go out again. Really? I don't know what date he was on but there was no chemistry and I can't believe he had a great time. Maybe he just wants to date a woman twenty years his junior and doesn't care that the conversation is bland and generic.

I may sound like the world's most shallow person but I am not attracted to a man who seems to have a hard time breathing through his nose due to excess nose hair.

I know Papa Churn said the goal is to get a second date but I'm wondering if I should have even gone on a first date with him. If I am convinced that nothing will happen with a man because of zero chemistry or age or some other x-factor, does that make me closed-minded? And if I just go out with him for the quota, am I using him for the churn? Does that make me a bad person? Does that make me a bad dater? Maybe that is why I am single.

But now I have to email him and reply to say when (if at all) I want to meet up with him again. Papa do preach. I'm in trouble deep. Okay, not really.

I just want to know if a) I should be going out with old (or young) men more than ten years my senior (or junior) when I don't want to date them at all; and b) if I am even churning correctly. When you churn, should there be an internal screening process or do you just go out with anyone who asks?

Hello Awkwardtown, USA

Hello people of the interwebs. This is my first blog post ever so please bear with me. It’s very nerve-wracking much like the big bad world of dating aka Awkwardtown, USA.

I’ve never been a good dater. My dream is meet someone organically – not forced like a dating website, blind date or whatever else the evil universe has dreamed up to make finding a mate the most awkward/awful/anxiety inducing thing ever.

I’m dipping my toes back into the proverbial dating pool. I’ve never been one to have a lot of boyfriends. My thought process is why be with someone for the sake of being with someone if they are not that awesome. Even though my friends and family would beg to differ on my past boyfriends and their lack of awesomeness.

My other single friends and I are going out on Thursday night for our “Thursday Night Boy Hunting Club”. Which usually just ends with us drunk and singing karaoke but at least we are out and about. I’ve been invited to a Singles BBQ this weekend. My married friend and her husband have invited all the singletons they know to host an incredible awkward BBQ. In married friend’s dream world, all her friends would be married to her husband’s friends and we all live on a cozy cul-de-sac together. That is Kitty’s nightmare world. I’m not really banking on this being all that lucrative as I received a text from her asking “how do you feel about dating a guy with kids?” I know I’m over 30 and single but I still am holding out hope for a great guy. Not that said “guy with kids” isn’t great but I’m not all that keen on being an InstaMom. But I will keep an open mind going into this and will remember that this is the very reason that God made Booze….Awkwardtown, USA.

Um. What?

So I was supposed to have a fourth date this weekend with a very nice Midwestern guy I met on Craigslist. We'd emailed and chatted. We were supposed to meet up two weeks ago but he canceled the day of because he was sick. Then he went out of town and our raincheck was set for today. I just looked and we have emailed 32 times to schedule and reschedule our first date. (This was before my five communications rule.) We had plans to meet up to play pub trivia. He confirmed yesterday and we were good to go for 7:00p this evening.

I got an email from him this morning saying, "I'm really sorry, but something's come up... I won't be able to make it out tonight." And that was it. I emailed back and his email address was deleted. All I can say is um... What?

Entertaining but Weird

I met up with Edward Jacob this morning for a coffee and farmer's market date. He was the first guy I've been excited to go out with since my breakup. I was on time and stoked. He was early. Things were looking up. I met Ed Jake on the online dating site (before I deleted my profile) and he promised me a great cup of coffee. I was not disappointed. The joe was delicious. The conversation was... interesting.

Ed Jake was entirely entertaining, so much so it bordered on absurdly weird. There were no awkward silences. Quite the contrary, Ed Jake was a chatty mother-freaking cathy. A government employee who once worked at a mental institution and one talkative dude. All in all we talked for over an hour and a half but I know very little about him. That being said, I did learn that if he eats too much red meat he can't handle the increased bile in his stomach. (Oh yes, he shared that tasty tidbit.) I also learned, in case you didn't know, that Pennsylvania is much nicer than Transylvania.

But nothing was more fun to learn than the idea that the Red Cross doesn't actually need the blood they collect for transfusions. They really collect it all to sell it to vampires. And did you know that the Red Cross only asks you all of those questions about your blood and blood type so they can place a value on it? Oh yes, apparently AB positive fetches a much higher price from the vampires than say... O negative. WTF. I'm not even exaggerating. He actually said all of this stuff. I know he was just doing a "bit" but, damn, it was weird. Entertaining but weird.

After an hour and a half of coffee and a tour around the farmer's market he asked if I wanted to go to a museum. I told him I had to get going. I know Papa Churn said that we should be shooting for a second date but I'm not sure I want to go out with a guy who said, "Can I say something rude? I wouldn't f*ck her with a borrowed d*ck" in reference to a girl he met at a party the night before. Again - I'm not making this stuff up. He actually said that to me. He was entertaining but weird and I'd be okay if we stopped at one date.

For the record: I bought my own coffee. And a refill.

The thing is

I don't know if I'm able to see/find/create any chemistry with someone I met online. I had another date yesterday and it honestly just feels like a business meeting. I enjoyed my time, but I have no emotion about either dating website date whatsoever. In fact, I've disabled my account on there.

Yesterday's date showed up almost a half hour late. He did call to say he was late. He's nice, but talked about work too much. I also learned random things about his food allergies that I think would have been better saved for a second date. Likewise, I had to take control of every situation - where to eat, talking to the host, the server, etc. The server was actually giving me bedroom eyes during the date. I think he could see my boredom.

I wonder if there is something about weaving online life into dating that causes people to move more quickly in terms of the getting to know you stuff. Like Tuesday's date - he kept wanting to know what I wanted, desperate for me to ask him questions. And yesterday, the guy asked me about my parents' divorce, which inevitably brought up the death of my father. He asked how he died. Tres gauche.

This, and recent exchanges with the Republican and the Vet are making me want to withdraw into myself. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to - emotionally - actively seek a date. I think I'm looking forward too much and not accepting my current situation. I can't just pick up where the Republican and I left off (with him or anyone) and be that close to settling down. I need to get over that and the anger around that first I think. Honestly, at this point, even if I were that close to settling down or what not, I don't know if I'd be able to trust it.

Lunch - he paid, no subsequent contact on his part

Pleasantly Awkward

I met up with Harry from speed dating tonight. We grabbed a drink. Or a soda. It lasted 43 minutes. Here's how it went down.

I was late for the date because I was stopped by a Census worker who didn't comprehend the fact that I didn't know the people who lived in my apartment in April. It was weird and totally unrelated. Moving on. So there I am - late, hungover and not wanting to leave my couch, let alone go out on a date.

I arrived 10 minutes late and Harry was at the bar drinking iced tea. He doesn't drink. Score! Hungover Betti got a ginger ale. Harry is really kind. Super nice, in fact. I would guess he is 20 years older than me. (That is at least ten years above my maximum age.) After about 49 seconds it was clear that it wasn't going anywhere and I wondered how long I have to stay. I hate that. How long is mandatory? How long constitutes a date? I decided to make my goal 45 minutes.

All in all the date was pleasantly awkward. Like I said, Harry was really nice. The conversation was sparse but pleasant. In fact, there was more silence than conversation. I asked the two lamest questions in the history of dating: "Do you come here often?" and "Have you seen any movies lately?" After 43 minutes I told him I had to get going. He suggested that he may email or text me but I kind of hope he doesn't ask me out again.

Oops. Missed a date.

This isn't me but this woman looks as miserable as I felt today.

I have a hangover. I went out with Belle last night and had more cocktails in one night than I did all of last month combined. The night was tons of fun and ended with me literally falling in the middle of the sidewalk in front of about 40 people. It was a good (or bad depending on how you judge it) fall, complete with "oh"s and "ouch"s and even one "damn. that's gotta hurt" from the crowd of onlookers.

I woke up this morning with a skinned knee, a damaged manicure and a hangover. A bad hangover. So bad in fact that I had to cancel a morning museum date with a guy I met on Craigslist. I emailed him and was honest. I told him that I had too much to drink the night before, couldn't drive and asked for a raincheck.

He was very cool about it and thanked me for my honesty. He asked for another date. Yay. So hopefully I'll see him next week.

Now I have to get my bruised and boozey butt off the couch so I can get ready for a drink date tonight with a guy I met at speed dating.

I honestly have no idea who this guy is - he's not the dance teacher. He may be the man in his 50s or the guy who invited me for a midnight swim. I can't remember who was who. Oops. I only hope I don't puke on him. I also hope I don't smell like booze. I was too much of a mess to find an outfit so I just picked yesterday's clothes off the floor. Yeah, I'm that guy. Wish me luck.