1% DR

I hit my quota of 1 date/week this week (and then some). But to start with last Sunday's date, things started out strong. We met up at a bar, had some drinks, nibbled, and gazed at the olympics up on the big screen. Dr. 1% (it's coming), was charming, funny, and at least somewhat resembled his online dating profile. Prior to us going out he'd had 1 major red flag going against him: using old-school text speak.

"How r U",  "me 2!".

Judgmental me cringes literally every time I see that sort of texting come through. With the advent of smartphones, I like to see full sentences.

That said, he was clearly smart (is in the middle of his residency), and had no problems carrying a conversation. Phew. After Mr. Awkward Laughter, being able to banter is definitely a critical piece of finding someone. So we chatted, ordered another round and grabbed some pizza to share. He took my food restrictions in stride and totally embraced the limitations I put out there.

We had some easy back and forth about current events, and then touched a tiny bit on politics. Disclaimer: I'm definitely liberal leaning and politics are always a tough thing to discuss, especially on a first date.

In the midst of this rapport, he throws out the fact that sometimes it's hard for him to take such a stand, because "you know, [he's] definitely going to be a part of the 1%."

A couple hundred warning bells sounded in my head, but alcohol and my upbringing kept me giggling as I changed the topic. Yeesh. We ended the night by playing some bar games, and despite that verbal snafu, I have to admit, I had a blast. His medical profession means he works some weird hours, which I'm trying to reconcile, but it was probably a 4 out of 5 stars for a 1st meeting. That comment sticks out in my mind, as does the fact that he drives a porsche and owns a condo. And that 1% may seem small, but in fact represents a world of difference between us.

He's since followed up and we have a 2nd date on Monday. I can't decide if I'm going because I'm a) a glutton for punishment b) curious as to what else he'll say or c) still a bit interested despite that comment.

My guess is d) a little of all of the above.

Sunday Date

Is it normal to not feel excited for first dates? I'm meeting up with an anesthesiologist tonight. While I think his profession may provide for some excellent conversation fodder, (How, exactly, does one get into that line of work? Can anyone spell it?), I can't help but feel ambivalent about going.

Maybe it's because Ben and I broke things off this afternoon and I'm feeling utterly emotionally drained, but I'm just not into it. I need to snap into it-- but I think some of this could be coming from the whole online dating thing again. It's hard to feel jazzed about someone I haven't met yet and who may look nothing at all like their photo on the internets... I'm stopping myself here before I dissect everything that could possibly be wrong with him.

Maybe I should play some dance music so I can get into the right frame of mind. Let's just go have fun.

More later on how this goes.

Fake Coupling.

I have a confession to make.

Well, a couple. If I was speaking to a priest, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned", would not even begin to cover it-- this is a story of a fake couple moment in which I completely indulged.

I backslid with the one and only unobtainable Ben. (Remember him? Handsome nerd, coworker, had a super serious gf?)

I backslid a lot.... and in a way that's incredibly inexcusable. I could try to come up with reasons (work stress, health scares, loneliness-- all true, but pathetic all the same), but really, who am I kidding? I did exactly what I wanted to in letting him back in and it all culminated in a "weekend of fun" together. Things kicked off on Thursday night when he came over for takeout and a movie. It was to be our very first opportunity for a sleepover, and allow us to get really cozy with each other. Thursday night was actually nothing short of enchanting, and waking up in his arms felt amazing. We both took off Friday from work and had an utterly couplelicious day. (yes, i know it's not a word, but bear with me). We lounged in my apt, grabbed a late breakfast, went to the pool, ate leftovers, failed to leave my apt to go play mini-golf, and then went our separate ways to get fancy for dinner. (A place where he had actually made reservations for us in advance.)

My joy about our fancy dinner was quickly squashed when I realized that he had booked us reservations in a place one of my boys lovingly refers to as "the gayborhood". Obviously, he had not only given some thought to taking me someplace nice, he had also determined exactly which area we could go to without fear of being caught. His, "you know, I never come here...", was really not lost on me. Our original (or so I thought), plans to go out for drinks were also tabled because he expressed feeling under the weather. This may be true, but I have my doubts.

Back to my place we went for a movie and playtime alone in my space. This was also charming, and we had another (seemingly?) great time.

The next morning, aka today, we awoke to him proclaiming still feeling sick and needing to skedaddle for some time with his boys. I asked if we were still on for this evening, and he reassured me that of course we were.

I almost believed him. As he methodically packed up his things, I couldn't help but feeling utter twinges of doubt. I had wanted to confront him at brunch this morning regarding our ridiculous situation, but he seems to be able to sniff out my every move before I can fully formulate the thought. (Sidenote: Someone, please, let me know what my tell is so I can work on it.) I calculated the odds of him showing tonight, and put them at 10-90 for.

We texted this afternoon and firmed up our plans to meet at my place around 9.

9 rolled around. As did 9:20, 9:30, 9:45 before I finally texted. I was giving him until 10:00 before I pulled the - "you're obviously not coming, so I'm heading out". But, I wanted to give him one last chance.

Why do we always do this? Seriously, ladies, back me up here-- you know it's going downhill, you can pull your move or be a doormat, but in that critical moment- you give up the power to a question, for one more soul-sucking moment of disappointment.

So... I finally heard back. Some accident on 14th street, blah, blah. He was still feeling sick, so sorry, and heading to bed.

I can't pretend I'm not upset. But I have No one but me to blame in this situation. I bit my tongue on the phone. (I called to get the final clarity I needed.) We're on for a farmer's market hangout tomorrow where I fully intend to end this entire thing. FO REALS this time. No regrets, no looking back. My intentions at sweetness and questions obviously won't work. And I can't pretend that I'm not having a conversation with myself that's straight out of "he's just not that into you".

As for tonight? I've booked myself into not just one, but two parties and need to find something seriously sexy to throw on. Hopefully, if the rest of my looks incredible, no one else will notice the traces of sadness etched on my face. This will probably be me later: Drunk Girls

On to salvaging Saturday night.

Un-matched.com

I'm starting to question whether online dating is really for me. I went all out with it and purchased a subscription to one of the sites that touts its algorithm as being among the best for creating lasting relationships. It's certainly done well in terms of the sheer number of matches it's been sending my way-- but there's rarely anyone that I'm excited to hear from.

I don't know if it's due to the entire premise of meeting someone online (lacking the natural progression and build up of meeting someone randomly) or if it's the fact that there are few people on the site that I'm even remotely attracted to. Either way, it makes it hard to keep my interest in the entire notion of meeting someone online.

It doesn't help that I obsess when there's finally someone who seems somewhat normal or attractive. When they fall off the map, it seems like a fruitless endeavor. Getting rejected from someone I've never even met seems like an extreme situation and maybe one that I should pull myself out of soon. 

Maybe I've just tapped out this market? yeeeesh. That's a brutal thought. But seriously, I've found maybe 3 attractive men to date (& one of them doesn't even live in this area). I went out with 1 (hello MAL) and the other dropped off. It seems really hard to warrant keeping this up when it's so clearly going nowhere.

I have one on-going communication taking place currently and if this also fails me, I think it'll be time to pull the plug on this whole endeavor.

I need to find a better plan of attack-- more brainstorming to come tomorrow. In the interim... fingers crossed and maybe this one last shot will get me somewhere. 

Accidental Romance with Finicky Creative

Said goodbye to the finicky creative this week-- he followed his dreams to the other coast and found hipster mecca. For his last night in the district, he asked to stay with me. I, (foolishly?), said yes immediately.

On his final evening I helped him pack up some final items and then we headed to the bar so he could say goodbye to some of his nearest and dearest. I've scaled back on my drinking, so I was sipping on one beverage throughout the course of the night. I watched his drinks and saw F.C. say goodbye to some of his best friends until it was down to us and a hipster girl who's long since had her sights on him. (She clearly loves me and has Just stopped short of baring her teeth at me to show her disdain for my presence.)

Ms. Hipster was clearly hoping he'd follow her home for a night- embracing the natural romance that exists for anyone's last night in a city. FC pointedly ignored her efforts, hugged her goodbye, and sent her off to bike away on her fixie. We cabbed back to my apt where he promptly pulled out some cigarettes and we lounged on my balcony for a couple of hours- talking away some of his fears about leaving and the upcoming changes to both of our lives.

As night turned to day, I couldn't hide my sleep deprivation any longer. For as much as I would have stayed awake all night just for the sake of spending more time with him, my eyelids had other ideas in mind. Sleeping is giving in.

We retired to my bed, and the awkward nature of our friendship showed its underbelly. He pulled me to him and I certainly wanted nothing more than his closeness. He asked if I was trying to seduce him and I asked if I should be. Knowing our history of physical disconnect I was really hesitant to go there: romantic last night or not. In a flurry of swirling emotions we started to make out and let the night go to where it wanted. With whispered "I'll miss you's" I couldn't say anything more about all of the feelings I had been harboring for him.

It's been a hard few days adjusting to life without being able to see F.C. every day- his wisecracks, awkward gait, and perpetual scent of marlboro reds are all imprinted in my brain in ways that I wish I had never let in, but all resulted in some of the strongest feelings I've had for anyone in a long time. He is my "never should have been" and remains the reason I need to churn.

Hopefully, with this distance between us: him on another coast and in another time zone, I'll actually be able to open myself up to someone new. (sorry again MAL, you never really stood a chance).


PS while FC's final night was probably not a date- he paid and presented me with parting gifts.

More spicy than sweet

I had not just one, but two dates with mr. awkward laughter (MAL) last week. I realize that doubling down on dates with one guy is probably not in the spirit of churning, but he seemed very gung-ho, so I figured I'd go along with it. "Why not" has often been a mantra of mine, but it frequently gets me into sticky situations.

Needless to say, this was no different. We hit up a movie night in my neck of the woods- more of the hipster scene than the Nova he represents. It was actually really fun to spend some time with him, hold hands, drink beers, and laugh at some kitschy films. That said, I question whether it was that fun since it required NO talking on either of our ends. MAL is incredibly nice, and as I've mentioned before, seems very sweet. In a word: vanilla.

But, I don't really jive with sweet. I really wish that I did- it'd be great to settle for Vanilla, and it would probably make my life a lot easier. I'm more of a spicy chocolate girl- cinnamon and often cayenne. Someone I really respect once called me out on the fact that as a Latina, I could never be satisfied with a traditionally "nice guy". I need someone who can handle my ups and downs and isn't afraid to put me in check. While I wish I could say he was wrong, he most definitely wasn't (& isn't).

So where does that take things with MAL? I fretted a bit after our movie date and asked him if he wanted to hang out in a few days. He promptly responded with a "yes" and planned a night for us. The night before our follow up date, he shot over a text around 10:30 saying he wanted to see me. The warning bells sounded, and red flags danced before my eyes. From my perspective this could only be one of two things:

1) He was not so subtly pushing me into girlfriend-landia. (TOO SOON, TOO SOON!!)
2) He was trying to push physical intimacy. (Again, Too Soon!)

Either option made me worry and I opted to not respond to his text. I had intended to shoot him a note early the next day to cancel on our plans for that night, but he beat me to the punch letting me know that he had bought tickets for the night. I didn't want to be That jerk, so I plotted an exit strategy and decided I'd leverage my exhaustion and ask to go home after the event. Per usual, he was a true gentleman-- drove me home and offered to pick up medicine so I could get better from my cold.

He followed up with me a couple of days later and asked what was up with the weird vibe- I confessed to freaking about his late night texts and thinking he wanted more of a booty call situation. He responded immediately with a text about how wrong I was-- but it was just the out I needed to get out of something I just wasn't that excited about.

MAL got more than the number of dates required by churning- but it's left me wondering if I have any idea what I want or how to go about getting it. Maybe another date will solve my confusion?

Arlington Date

Had my second date with Awkward Laughter last night & I'm still oh so very on the fence about him. He's very sweet and would probably fit a perfect checklist of what I want in a significant other- but it feels like we're missing a spark.

He took me to a lovely roof deck in Arlington last night- the weather was perfect for drinks and dinner outside. We bonded over a cheese plate and Bell's Oberon (so delicious). Big pro's from last night: he's looked up bands I mentioned I like, he speaks some spanish, he's Catholic-ish, and he owns a passport. Basically, he hits the real must-haves.

Here's my concern though. He's completely this person:

I don't know that being "Arlington" is a terrible thing- but I also don't know that it's a me thing. I ran away from the suburbs a while ago, and I kinda like it. Related: It's also tough to dive deeply into conversation with him. (I think) I'm a good conversationalist, so the fact that I can't get him to hold a back and forth is tough. He's sweet, but vanilla... He's arlington. I can't tell if I'm too used to the sordid weirdness of my other recent "relationships" to appreciate something normal or if this is actually a problem, but either way he wants to hang out again tonight. It seems like that's a little much, but I think he deserves one more shot.

Monster movie night- my territory, we'll see if that helps bring him out of his shell.

Creative heartbreak

Finicky Creative- (n.) a man who is by nature unable to make decisions, who will always say maybe, and who will chalk it all up to his artistic temperament.


I spent some time with the finicky creative recently, and I still can't quite place my confused feelings about him. While not exactly a date, we had a lovely night of drinks, dinner, more drinks, and ultimately time on my patio.

He's someone I've known for years (~3 to be imperfectly exact) and someone who seemed to come onto me with a bit of frequency. His demeanor is equal to that of a cat- unreliable, narcissistic, and overall focused on what I could provide him, rather than having an equal friendship.

Most of the time we spend together consists of too much drinking and fantastic conversation. In those moments of raw honesty it felt like something built up between us- the reality of knowing the best, bad, and utterly ugly of another person was a draw I wasn't accustomed to. After years of thinking I had been shooting him down, and some very obvious efforts that I had killed (I have a scar from his cigarettes from one night of ill-fated attempts), the build up was enough to blossom.

Many many drinks into a night together in Columbia Heights, we started the descent back towards our respective places. Awkwardly holding hands, and flirting like our lives depended on it- he extended an offer to go back to his place. I accepted, but with one caveat: we would not be sleeping together. I had confided in the finicky creative about all the gory details of Ben, and had no desire to increase the messiness.

When we got back to his studio we kept up the drinking and he handed me a change of clothes to get more comfortable. Trading tales and continually grazing each other- it became clear that something would happen that night. We climbed into bed a couple of hours (& many cigarettes) later and commenced making out. FC informed me that I'm the queen of mixed messages, which I agreed with and then proceeded to make his case for us continuing the connection.

Weeks went by, and in a whirlwind of excitement, I felt the shift. The subtle move from "friend" into someone I really care about. We started sleeping together, and while it was never perfect, I thought we were finally finding our rhythm.

As I noticed my feelings changing, I also noticed his behavior shifting. He pulled some classic moves and gave me a lot of "definite maybes" to spending time together. All internal alarms going off, I started to pull back. A couple of days later, he swung by after midnight to deliver a message: he didn't think we were physically compatible enough.

The crushing feeling and weight of his words wasn't something I was prepared for. He'd quickly become my confidante as well as one of my favorite people to spend time with. The twisted nature of our relationship kept me under his spell, and this communication was no different. I felt tortured, unattractive, and entirely undesirable. Simultaneously, I didn't want to let go of the friendship we'd cultivated for years, so I kept up our one-sided friendship.

With time and additional (painful) chats, the weirdness persists, but so does our friendship. I don't know that I'll never fully understand our disconnect, but I'm grateful for his presence in my life, so I hold on. He's moving to another city soon, so I'd like to not over-think things. Does it matter if he's moving? We spend plenty of time together one on one, in deep conversation, but all of that will soon come to an end. Our patio parties with excessive alcohol consumption will remain a temporary summer thing, until one day neither of us will remember what we discussed in them at all.

Toxic? Maybe. Fun? Frequently. Weirdest friendship ever? Consistently.

Love & Affection

First Timer

So, a few weeks ago I decided it was time to try something new. & not just a little new, but drastic. I wanted to take a foray into online dating.

I've often found online dating to be a weird, impersonal thing, that I had assumed only the desperate turned to. I was wrong. Very, very wrong. Not only have I been schooled on this topic by all of my friends- my ex, had a lot of luck with online dating. He unfortunately had a lot of success on okcupid.com while dating me-- but that's entirely beside the point.

Someone outline the reasons for the success of online dating- people do everything online these days, including finding their perfect significant other. Folks who are utterly quirky are able to find the ying to their yang, and meet that certain someone who is perfectly quirky just like them. If they could find love, couldn't I do the same?

I figured it was worth a shot. So, I jumped through the hoops, created a profile and after days of muddling with it, took the bigger plunge- I put up photos. Yikes! The immediate response from men on the site was overwhelming to say the least, but I was dedicated to churning. (Thanks again, Betti!) So I figured it was time to take the plunge. 

I responded, flirted, and tried to figure out what my dealbreakers were. Sooner than I was ready, I had a date. Let's call him Mr. Awkward Laugh. He's super sweet-- tonight was suddenly hit by rainfall so he unfortunately showed up to our date soaked to the bone. I tried to be diplomatic and put him at ease, but it was clear that he was so uncomfortable. (I definitely would be too, while getting caught in the rain is fun, it's never the first impression you want to make).

He took a moment to dry off in the bathroom, and then we started to warm up to each other. We probably spent 2.5 hours together at dinner, chatting through the mundane (TV shows we watch), to the more interesting (challenging roommates- my worst instance was someone with serious drug problems). 

Overall, It was a lot of fun. I came home with a smile on my face, and no real complaints. He insisted on driving me home, which I probably shouldn't have agreed to, but he was SO nice. He didn't try to kiss me, but we did exchange an effortless hug and phone numbers at the end of the night. 

We've already had a text back and forth and are making plans for Sunday night. He's looking up some bands that I mentioned this evening, and I'm processing it all. After some of the dating horror stories I've heard, could it really be this easy? Or did I just make it so?

On the flipside- Ben has NO idea how angry I am with him. I've gotten no less than 8 texts from him today. I'm waiting for the finnicky designer to come over (more on him later), but am unsure as to whether he'll still be in the mood to spend time with me once he's done riding his fixed gear bike to my apt from downtown.

Wish me luck blogosphere- tomorrow is certainly a new day

PS Mr. AL paid for dinner and drinks & gave me the leftovers.

Introducing Myself to Churning

I recently had the pleasure of grabbing drinks with Betti-- (it's always too long, btw), and while we were sipping wine I recounted the stories of my current love  trainwreck life with her. After grabbing another round, she shared the concept of churning with me, and let me know that I was due for some serious dating to shake off recent events. I agreed with the notion and set up an alias to enable some serious blogging. (What's the fun in churning if you can't share it?) Despite my best intentions, it took a couple weeks for me to finally decide that it was time to let this plan take action.

So what brought me here? It's a doozy.

A few months ago, I ended my on-again, off-again 3 year relationship with the man I thought I would end up marrying. While it was really hard to step away from the comfort that long term boyfriend brought, I knew it was the right decision.

It also didn't hurt that for months I'd been developing feelings for one of my coworkers, Ben, and that it had slowly been snowballing into something bigger. Neither of us had ever acted on anything, but the chemistry had been growing, and our texts had started coming in later and later into the night (as well as first thing in the morning). The one complication? My work husband had a real girlfriend. Of four years.

Now, I would never set out to do anything with someone I knew was taken. (I hadn't always known about his GF, that was a revelation that came a few months into our friendship.) I always assumed that Ben was too good of a guy to ever act on anything outside of his relationship and I thought I was too aware to ever let things go down that path. 4 years, after all, is a significant amount of time.

Obviously though, I knew I was catching feelings, and as our time started to shift from inside the office to bars and touristy activities on the weekend, I began to wonder if there may be more happening.

One night, after too many beers and too much flirting, we crossed the line from talk into action. I wondered if he was questioning his relationship- imagined that he had to be at a crossroads, determining what his next step was in his life. I had a huge pit in my stomach that night- the anxiety alone was keeping me up. I didn't really ask him about any of it, chalked it up to the drinking and tried to do damage control when I saw him the next day. (I left it at an "Are we ok?" The answer was a resounding "Yes".)

This is the part of the story when savvier women would have said more- and put an immediate end to things. Unfortunately, I am not yet one of those wise ladies. I let things continue. I let us keep getting into situations that would escalate, and kept up our constant contact. He was on my brain, in my heart, and unfortunately, in my bed.

Ben was a perfect boyfriend: great communicator-- someone I could discuss anything with, a snazzy dresser, our chemistry could rival nuclear weaponry, and above all else he made me laugh all the time. The only issue in that fairy tale? He wasn't mine.

The pit in my stomach started to gnaw at me at all hours, until finally I could take it no more. I asked him to lunch and ended things.  After much hemming and hawing, I spit out that our friendship was too important, having him in my life was something too special, and that I didn't really think we could be these two people.

Under different circumstances, I'd want nothing more than him, but in the current state: "cheater" & "homewrecker" are such awful titles to have looming over your head. He agreed, said he understood, and although he was visibly upset that was where we left things. Off we went, back to our respective cubes where we could log back into IM and proceed to talk as though nothing had changed.

I felt comfortable, freed, and so happy. He was still sending me texts non-stop, we were talking like normal, and flirting again. It was business as usual. In the back of my mind, I wondered whether this may be enough for him to leave her. Especially as the late night texts trickled in about missing me, I thought that he may be able to make a clean break and that we could start over.

Until today.

In the small world that is DC my friend Jane went out on a date with a friend of his. Yay connections! Obviously, I turned to her for a full report. My download: aside from an awesome date, Jane had learned that Ben had been keeping one more secret from me. Not only did he have a girlfriend, but they'd also been living together for years.

I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

I realize that someone who's been cheating on their girlfriend has to be capable of keeping secrets, but this felt so different. I didn't understand how Ben could have possibly kept our dalliance up for so long without some serious lies, nor had I realized the extent to which he'd been hiding parts of his life from me. I felt betrayed and more than a little sick.

While our whole exchange had pushed the boundaries of what I could accept, I had always thought he was still figuring things out. The fact that he was living with his girlfriend pushed him over into very serious relationship territory, not the on again off again world I had existed in with my ex. My heart simultaneously raced and felt heavy as I came to terms with what I had done. I went running in an effort to sweat out every icky thought I was suddenly thinking, not just about him, but about me. What had I done?

Obviously, I had crossed some lines. Not only had I helped Ben betray someone, I had betrayed myself. Real Life.

So.... here we are now. I'm not happy about the turn things have taken in the past few months, but I'm ready to start anew. As I pull back from the person who's had the most consistent presence in my life of late, I need some serious distractions.

One date a week? Here we go. Date 1 is tomorrow. Wish me luck on new beginnings.