I think I'm struggling with my dating motivation this time around. I don't have that spark when I talk to dudes. It's more like I feel that I've hit an age where I'm supposed to be on track to be married asap. I'm not sure if that obligation is adding stress, which makes me inadvertently shy away - kind of like how I stopped enjoying reading for fun when I went to grad school, because I HAD to read.
Most of my friends are paired up - married, engaged, co-habitating. The prevalence of coupledom seems to be more and more commonplace, especially among my friends who are in their 30s, and I have to wonder: Am I at a place where I want to meet someone with whom I can share my life? Or do I just feel the need to be with someone because I'm one of the few people who is alone?
To add to my internal crazy-making: I want to get married. I said this to a couple of friends and one seemed honestly shocked, and said he'd never heard me say that before. And I realized he was right, I had never said that out loud before. (Sidenote: my mother drank too much a few Christmases ago and said she was afraid she raised me to be too independent. Crap, maybe she did. Maybe I come across as someone destined and preferred to fly solo.) But I do want to get married and maybe even have kids, maybe. I'm not sure about the kids, but I'd like to have the option. And I only have three years until that gets much more difficult, biologically. Eek, no wonder I don't have a spark when I talk to dudes, I'm a total buzz-kill, must work on that.
Regardless, I'm not excited about dating. But like a friend told me over brunch, "Betti, you're not getting any younger." Ouch. So I guess, in my head, I'm trying to keep the dating pathways open so they don't close up forever, or at least, so they're open when the spark returns.
