The thing is

I don't know if I'm able to see/find/create any chemistry with someone I met online. I had another date yesterday and it honestly just feels like a business meeting. I enjoyed my time, but I have no emotion about either dating website date whatsoever. In fact, I've disabled my account on there.

Yesterday's date showed up almost a half hour late. He did call to say he was late. He's nice, but talked about work too much. I also learned random things about his food allergies that I think would have been better saved for a second date. Likewise, I had to take control of every situation - where to eat, talking to the host, the server, etc. The server was actually giving me bedroom eyes during the date. I think he could see my boredom.

I wonder if there is something about weaving online life into dating that causes people to move more quickly in terms of the getting to know you stuff. Like Tuesday's date - he kept wanting to know what I wanted, desperate for me to ask him questions. And yesterday, the guy asked me about my parents' divorce, which inevitably brought up the death of my father. He asked how he died. Tres gauche.

This, and recent exchanges with the Republican and the Vet are making me want to withdraw into myself. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to - emotionally - actively seek a date. I think I'm looking forward too much and not accepting my current situation. I can't just pick up where the Republican and I left off (with him or anyone) and be that close to settling down. I need to get over that and the anger around that first I think. Honestly, at this point, even if I were that close to settling down or what not, I don't know if I'd be able to trust it.

Lunch - he paid, no subsequent contact on his part

Pleasantly Awkward

I met up with Harry from speed dating tonight. We grabbed a drink. Or a soda. It lasted 43 minutes. Here's how it went down.

I was late for the date because I was stopped by a Census worker who didn't comprehend the fact that I didn't know the people who lived in my apartment in April. It was weird and totally unrelated. Moving on. So there I am - late, hungover and not wanting to leave my couch, let alone go out on a date.

I arrived 10 minutes late and Harry was at the bar drinking iced tea. He doesn't drink. Score! Hungover Betti got a ginger ale. Harry is really kind. Super nice, in fact. I would guess he is 20 years older than me. (That is at least ten years above my maximum age.) After about 49 seconds it was clear that it wasn't going anywhere and I wondered how long I have to stay. I hate that. How long is mandatory? How long constitutes a date? I decided to make my goal 45 minutes.

All in all the date was pleasantly awkward. Like I said, Harry was really nice. The conversation was sparse but pleasant. In fact, there was more silence than conversation. I asked the two lamest questions in the history of dating: "Do you come here often?" and "Have you seen any movies lately?" After 43 minutes I told him I had to get going. He suggested that he may email or text me but I kind of hope he doesn't ask me out again.

Oops. Missed a date.

This isn't me but this woman looks as miserable as I felt today.

I have a hangover. I went out with Belle last night and had more cocktails in one night than I did all of last month combined. The night was tons of fun and ended with me literally falling in the middle of the sidewalk in front of about 40 people. It was a good (or bad depending on how you judge it) fall, complete with "oh"s and "ouch"s and even one "damn. that's gotta hurt" from the crowd of onlookers.

I woke up this morning with a skinned knee, a damaged manicure and a hangover. A bad hangover. So bad in fact that I had to cancel a morning museum date with a guy I met on Craigslist. I emailed him and was honest. I told him that I had too much to drink the night before, couldn't drive and asked for a raincheck.

He was very cool about it and thanked me for my honesty. He asked for another date. Yay. So hopefully I'll see him next week.

Now I have to get my bruised and boozey butt off the couch so I can get ready for a drink date tonight with a guy I met at speed dating.

I honestly have no idea who this guy is - he's not the dance teacher. He may be the man in his 50s or the guy who invited me for a midnight swim. I can't remember who was who. Oops. I only hope I don't puke on him. I also hope I don't smell like booze. I was too much of a mess to find an outfit so I just picked yesterday's clothes off the floor. Yeah, I'm that guy. Wish me luck.

Let's go slowly (discouraged)

Two dates in as many days.

Last night - I met up with a guy I met on an online dating site. He's nice enough, though seemed overly interested in making sure my picture was representative of me - and I don't think in the "is she fat" way. Like in the "does she have legs" way. We met up at a bar on 14th and talked longer than I thought we would. He kept asking if I had questions for him. Do people go to these things with a list of questions in hand? Anyways, he would like to see me again. I guess my abundance of limbs won him over. (*knock knock)

Tonight - the Vet took me to dinner and a play at the Kennedy Center. It was actually a lot of fun and much needed after a really shitty week at work. The play was funny and he didn't try to get in my pants after (churning rules!). I learned more about his family and his life growing up. It's just very easy to be with him.

And of course, this afternoon, my ex, the Republican, bbms me after 2 weeks + of no contact. It's about scars he got from when we were having sex. I ignored it. I'm just going to sit and be proud of not contacting him for 2 weeks.

UGH fine. I bbmed back tonight. But I was very detached. So there.

Last night - he paid

Tonight - he paid

I have another date Sat with another man from the website. I might push it back just b/c I need the emotional space (and I can meet my quota next week!). The Vet found my profile on there too, so I'm more inclined to ditch that particular site.

I'm too obsessive for online dating sites

I have an obsessive personality. I'm not OCD or anything but I tend to get obsessed over things -- a new dress or a book or a new activity (I'm currently obsessed with learning to like to dance). When I signed up for an online dating site I caught myself getting obsessed. I downloaded the iPhone app. I checked my page constantly. I couldn't help but "wink" and "message" and check out my "visitors". If you're wondering, yes, I did all of those things that I make fun of when it comes to online dating.

If you add the time I spent on the online dating site to the time I spent online for work plus the time I spent on sites like Facebook and Blogger I was spending all of my time on the computer. There have been 51 days in DC this summer where the temperature has reached the 90s and would be sitting at home after a long day with a laptop on my lap heating me up. Literally.

Then I had the experience with the "You're still alive" texting guy and I was like ahhh! I communicated with this guy over 50 times in five days and I never met him - a five day "webationship", if you will. So I made a decision to cancel the account and do more things outside. No more computer.

But I know that will need to use the interwebs so get dates and fill the churn quota so I'm looking for meetup groups and things to do. I'm finding classes and groups and activities. And when there are no prospects I'm going to Craigslist. If you've never used Craigslist to find a date - don't knock it. I know people who have literally found love on Craigslist. And not one-night horizontal-mambo love but real-life, best friend forever love.

I have my first Craigslist date this weekend. Wish me luck. And in the meantime I'm going to keep looking for active groups of people doing active things so I can get off the computer and into the fresh air and sunshine. I hope I meet Mr Right while he's shaking or baking or candlestick making. I'll be refreshed and gorgeous and he'll look a little bit like that hot guy from Criminal Minds mixed with the hot guy from CSI... oh and maybe the guy from Prison Break with a dash of John Hamm and Jordan Catalano and also Jack, Jin and Sawyer from Lost. Add he'll have a British accent and lots of tattoos with an Ivy league education and a knack for cooking and I'll be set.

Then I'll wake up and actually meet Mr Wonderful (who will be totally normal) while he's walking with one of my freinds and I'm running with my dog. I'll be sweaty, stinky and gross because that's the way the real world works.

The Internet is for....CHURN

Hello my pretties,

Papa Churn is pleased with your work as I sit here stroking the ends of my mustache, the dating is good! However before I get on to my subject of the week, some advice and a summary of our Churnlings thus far,

Belle-The Dentist sounds awesome, push it further but keep it cool and chillaxed. Three date minimum! By the by, I totally would have gone on the weekend away to Atlanta!

Rick.Mark.Steve.-don't waste your time on people who don't know how to date or don't want to-The Swede sounds like a good egg!

Claudia-What was the argument about? This guy sounds a bit nuts I hope he is cute as hell. Three date minimum! Give him the chance to a) make it up to you b) screw it up to give you an end point c) get a joint for papa churn.

Betti-Gold star thus far and by far the most dates, but I feel like your going to burn out, pace yourself pretty lady. I kind of want you to go on a date with crazy text man for two reasons 1) It will be highly entertaining for me 2) He sounded like a nice guy, yes a bit dependent but he got you excited for a reason whether it's email or phone.....which nicely brings me on to our titular subject: the internet.

Back when Papa Churn was just a young buck who'd arrived in the Capitol with nothing but a backpack and a cheesy grin knowing not a soul I decided to embark on the churn so that I could date and meet someone, but also to hopefully make some friends. The internet is your best friend but can be your worst enemy. It is easy peasy to get a date a week with craigslist, match.com etc etc but much more difficult to make a date stick. I went on a thousand first dates but could never get a second date. This is the first rule of internet dating: GET A SECOND DATE.

The next rule regards what Betti went through: don't fall into a textual relationship; a 'webationship.' There was this guy I met on match.com, we'll call him Angry Man because that is his name, he was movie star hot, so I emailed him and we went back and forth and soon enough we began g-chatting every single night but were both so busy with work we never ever got around to actually meeting. We did start to talk on the phone and he sounded a little like Matthew Mcconaughey, which as a British person, a hot gravelly Southern accent is like oral porn, however we kept getting into the most heated debates/arguments on the phone, about the stupidest things; like which flavor cheesecake was better, things there were no right or wrong answers to. He would boss me around and tell me what to do which I kind of liked, but after a while it started to piss me off. However we both totally got off on the verbal friction. It was like we were an old badly married couple. We began to argue a lot more and then I was in NYC one weekend and he kept calling me saying he missed me and when was I coming back and of course we got into a huge fight and it was then that I actually realised...I had never met this person. We had had an entire relationship on the phone. We argued so much we couldn't even agree on where to meet! But we had such passion. We never met and sometimes I look back and ponder what would it have been like if we'd met? Would we have ripped each others clothes off or argued all the way down the aisle? It was a pseudo marriage; I knew everything about this guy, what brand of apples he bought to the names of his dogs. Betti was smart and pulled herself out of her webationship and tried to meet him, however I do think if at all possible you should still give him a shot, in a very public open place where I am watching with binoculars and a tazer.

The rules for internet dating are simple:
Meet the person soon,
Try and talk on the phone, you can tell a lot more about them from their voice then their text. Remember how brave you all are online?
Never use emoticons with people you've never met.
Don't comprise a message with TLA's (Totally Lame Abbreviations: LOL, BTW, BFF-you're not a Jonas Brother)
Don't put off meeting them.
Three date minimum rule especially applies here as people are so strange on first dates especially from match.com.
Safety first (Meet in a safe place and never get into their car)
Keep and open mind
The only escape clause from the three date minimum is if they are a troll.

Good luck!
Papa Churn

No more than five communications

I was supposed to meet a guy to watch a baseball game on Saturday afternoon but it didn't happen. And I'm okay with it for two reasons: 1) I had speed dating last week so I met my weekly quota; and 2) He kind of creeped me out. (Insert rewinding noises to accompany the text "12 days ago".)

I met this dude on an online dating site. He seemed great. We had a lot in common -- both have dogs, huge baseball fans, similar professions. He was really funny and charming. He was cute. I kind of liked him. I looked forward to his emails. We "friended" eachother on Facebook. Then I realized I had never met him! I was getting excited to "talk" (read: email) to a guy I had never even seen. We had made a date to watch a game but it was still more than a week away and I wanted to meet him in person. I was finally excited. Yay! So then I did this thing that I do when I like someone -- I read all of our past communications. And then I grew concerned. I realized we had written each other 35 emails in three days. That's crazy, right? Right.

I emailed him and said that I thought we should meet up soon because we had emailed so many times. I was afraid we were falling down a virtual rabbit hole where you think you know someone, develop an online relationship and realize you've been communicating with an 89 year old dude with a shrunken Beatlejuice head who hadn't seen daylight since the Nixon administration. So I told him I thought we should meet and asked if we could get together for a quick drink the following night (last Saturday). He replied and asked what I was looking for in a relationship. You may remember my response from "I probably broke every dating rule".

Me:
I can tell you what I don't want. I am not looking for someone that has a girlfriend or a wife or wants something sexually casual. Becoming friends, hanging out and getting to know someone better slowly is one thing and I'd be interested in that. Casual sex partners isn't something I'm into. I'm not saying you are, but I thought I'd throw it out there in case that was a question.

Him:
That is exactly what I want. Exactly. Only I want someone I can't live without.

Kind of awesome. Cute? Yes. Relieved? Yes. Small red light regarding co-dependency issues? Yes. But still I hadn't scared him away so, kind of awesome. I write back and say awesome and ask about the drink the following day. At this point it is 4:45p on Friday afternoon. We had emailed many times that day. I left work at 6:00p and still hadn't heard back. Weird. I went out (had plans with a friend) and didn't check my email until the following morning.

Him at 10:45p:
What are you doing tonight?

Him at 10:55p:
Here is my number - 123-456-7890 (not his number). Call or text me.

I have a standing workout appointment at 8:30a every Saturday morning. I got up and saw that he had emailed me twice the night before so I write back.

Me at 8:01a:
Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I was out at a friend's house. She was showing me pics from her trip abroad. Are you free tonight for a drink? Let me know. Here's my number - 123-456-7890 (not my number either).

Him at 8:04a:
I guess you're not interested anymore.

Him via text (first text) at 8:10a:
You're so beautiful.

This is where I start to get weirded out. Really? Dude, I just gave you my number and asked if you wanted to get a drink that day. What part of that says I'm not interested? And then the text. Kind of creepy since we've never met in person but benefit of the doubt - very nice. Thank you.

So I go workout. I was really late because I stopped to email him and, to be honest, I was totally late all on my own. So I didn't write back until I finished the workout.

Me via text at 10:15a:
Thank you.

Him via text at 10:25a:
You're still alive!!!

Um, what? Creepy? Yes! Seriously? I hadn't written back in two hours before 10a. I could have been up to pee, get a glass of water or walk the dog and gone back to bed. Stores aren't open before 10a. I have some friendships that have been threatened if I text before 10a. This is getting weird, right?

Me via text at 10:45a:
Haha. Yes, I was working out.

Him via text at 11a:
Training for the olympics?

Me via text at 10:15a:
No, just practice.

Then nothing. Then I start to get even more weirded out. Plus it's hot. Really hot. This summer sucks. Then I realize how much I do not want to get ready in the heat two hours earlier than necessary (I had a friend's birthday party to attend) for a dude that was creeping me out.

Me via text at 2:30p:
Hey there. Haven't heard from you about tonight so I'm guessing you're going to the show and you're busy. But I'll see you for the game next week. Have a great night.

I may have sabotaged this. I admit that. But I was creeped out. And hot. And tired. And kind of wanted to sit on my couch and drink a cocktail and not get ready to go out. Plus I had just gone out with the rat guy two days earlier. So I was okay with it. The "You're still alive" text gave me the ick.

Then Saturday came and went and I never heard from him. So I unfriended him on Facebook today and consider that chapter closed.

New rule: No more than five communications with someone before meeting them in person.