You Need to Work on Your Face

So I didn't have a date last week but I did do something new. Hip hop dance class! That's right boys and girls, ladies and gentleman, fish and donkeys -- I took a dance class. A hip hop dance class. So I can dance at clubs (come on, you know I don't really go to clubs) and bars and parties.

The class is four sessions long and filled with the most remarkably awkward people I have ever met in my life. Believe it or not (I certainly didn't) I don't think there are any gay men in the class. Just painfully shy and awkward or oddly confident dudes who are afraid to do hip hop or think they're the bees' knees. It is a bizarre experience.

I may not be the most awkward but I think I am the worst. I am an awful dancer. I can't do the moves and I keep thinking I'm going to throw out a hip. I was trying to dance and the teacher called me out saying, "You need to work on your face. You look like you're in pain." Apparently dancing is mostly attitude. Who knew? Everybody but me, that's who. I told my mom what the dance teacher told me about my face and she laughed so hard I heard a snort over the phone. That made it all worth it.

So, I didn't meet any interesting guys but I did get out and do something new. I wasn't sitting on the couch or playing on the computer. Something new and something different. This is the way I said I was going to churn and I did it. And I feel good. Now I have to find a way to meet men who give me butterflies. I really miss butterflies.

Dancing Notes: I think I am better at Latin dancing than hip hop. And I think I found my move. It looks nerdy with Chuck Taylors and I like that. But I tried to do it again this morning in front of the mirror and I forgot it. Blast!

For the record: I paid for my dance class.

Good Luck

I was supposed to have a first date with a hot doctor on Friday but I canceled. Here's what happened.

Things have been crazy at work and three people quit on Friday half way through the day. This is in addition to three other people giving notice two weeks ago. Six people in two weeks is a lot and things seem crazy.

One of the people who was leaving was having a happy hour at the same time as my first date. I told him I wasn't able to attend because I had plans. He didn't take no for an answer and admittedly phone banked me (aka called me repeatedly - gotta love people in politics) and texted me saying I had better attend his going away party. It had been a crazy day that concluded a crazy week and I felt like some stress-free drinks without the pressure of first date conversation and posture sounded like what the hot doctor would order. I finally gave in after two texts and five calls and agreed to cancel plans with the hot doctor and go to the happy hour.

The happy hour guy met me at my office and I walked over with him to his party so he wouldn't show up alone. I told him I canceled a date (with a hot doctor) for his happy hour and he assured me that I would meet many single men at the party.

I texted the hot doctor and told him that several people had quit at my office and things were nutty and I wasn't able to make it. And I asked if I could get a raincheck for Sunday. I got a text back saying, "I'm booked Sunday. Good luck." Ouch. I suppose he thinks I'm either a flake or a drama queen and doesn't want to see me, but... ouch. Oh well, we found each other online and haven't actually met in person yet, his hot doctor picture could be 37 years old. He could be a member of the long noise hair club. Or an 18 year old dude. Or a 60 year old lady. Either way, he kind of seems like a dbag. No date for Betti this week. Fail.

For the record, I met no single guys at the happy hour and I bought two beers and a shot for the going away dude.

This dating stuff hurts my brain sometimes

I think the easiest way for me to update would be by person.

1. The Saturday Late Date - He texted me early the following week and we set something up for that Thursday. I guess it annoyed me that he texted to ask, and that he wanted me to pick the place. Again. Anyways, I was too hungover and just not in the mood to go that Thursday, so I canceled. I spent the night with my phone off and alone. It was what I needed.

He emailed me Wednesday and asked me out for Thursday. I had another date then anyways, but I wouldn't have gone simply b/c he asked the day before. Over email. I said I had plans then later that night I get an email tome about his current relationship with, um, relationships. I appreciate the honesty, but man. I do NOT need to hear about your sex life with your ex. I thought I successfully brushed him off, but he emailed back and still wanted to hang out. I've not responded.

2. The Other Dating Site Dude - We had a date Thursday at a sushi place downtown. I had actually been there originally with the Vet. It's so.good. We had a nice time, good conversation. We got another drink at a bar down the street, then called it an evening. He keeps asking me if I have any questions for him. It's not like I'm not engaging him in conversation. Weird. He too has laid his baggage out as well (divorced, etc). I'm not sure I understand this trend.

He paid for dinner, I paid for drinks after.

3. The Repub - We grabbed a drink about 2 weeks ago after texting for an hour beforehand about our relationship (namely, how amazing our sexual chemistry was). I think some of the stuff I had told him about dating him being a waste of time got to him. He kept bringing it up. We both knew that meeting up that evening was pretty much a prelude to sex. A lot of really good, drunk sex (that kept me from going to my date the next night). I'm not ashamed to admit I enjoyed the self-esteem boost that comes from your ex saying how hot he thinks you are and how much he likes sex with you (in much dirtier terms). Now to work on having no contact with him at all. That's always the hardest for me.

He paid

4. The Vet - We had a date Tuesday out on H St. It was quite a bit of fun. He's been driving me to/from work while he's been home too. He travels a lot for work. We're also going to go out tonight for one of our mutual friend's birthday. He hasn't been going out as much, and he thinks he found a place to buy. I'm still waiting to see how he handles a few other things such as his mental and physical health. I did learn Sunday how he saved children from a fire during the war. In gratitude, the town gave him a 16 year old girl to marry (and plates of food). Good deal?

For Labor Day, he'd going to take me to North Carolina for 2 days. I'm really looking forward to getting away.

He paid

Say No to the Name

It is official. I will never date a dude with "the name". As rick.mark.steve mentioned, the dude who broke my heart has the same name as Hirschorn and Birthday. And guess who else shares "the name"? The vampire! That name is off limits.

Also, I have a packed schedule today, only 15 minutes free and I chose to clear my head by reading the blog and eating some string cheese. Reading rick.mark.steve's latest posts made me smile. I hope the blog brings joy to others as well. Churn baby churn.

the return of birthday and hirshhorn

so forgot to mention.

i dated a guy around my birthday.

he was cute (enough). i was in to him. i thought he was in to me. after like 6 dates that were all going really well, no sign of anything awkward. he said he wanted to be friends.

not really a big deal, but it kinda hurt. and i should have expected it based on what my friends say about him and dating.

but he had said the date before, that he 'wasnt going anywhere' and i could trust him.

so it felt like a big ole bitch slap.

well we shall call him birthday.

i havent seen him since this breakup.

and the perfection of this is that hirshhorn and birthday have the same real name, which is also the same real name as betti's heartbreaker. so we shall now never date said people with this name.

anywho.

both returned to my life yesterday.

i go to the scissor sisters concert. my friend invites me. i go along. he tells me one person will be there that i know and that others will be there. go to dinner. birthday is sitting right across from me.

by all outward appearances i handled it well. but. i. felt. so. un. com. fort. able.

him and his friends were all talking about past boyfriends, flying abroad with boyfriends, etc etc. it just made me want to die. and feel like i was a failure or something. i didnt like it at all.

then as we walk to the concert, i check my gmail on my handy dandy iphone. and guess who sent me an email? hirshhorn!!! HONESTLY.

and it was like, hope the housewarming went well, blah blah. lets do something soon :)

IV. REALZ.

i just kinda got upset. i mean i dont understand. here i am with failed attempt 1. then failed attempt 2 is emailing me to hang out, but still not making me a priority by any stretch.

so found some friends at the concert, thank god they are the couple that doesnt make me feel like a third wheel and is super awesome. i proceed to down two redbull vodkas and have 3 double makers and coke.

yes coke, not diet coke. some of us gays do actually like the real version.

so concert starts. we're singing. we're dancing. and then birthday kept looking over during the concert. I just hated every second of it. i mean the whole night wasnt a bust, but dating is just so damn hard. and emotions are so uncontrollable.

however, it reminded me why this whole churning thing is not only hard in the moment, but hard in the long term. and in a sorta fucked up way, it kinda revitalized why im doing this.

i dont want these situations to happen. i want to be with someone that makes all this awkwardness and failed relationships not matter. i want to find someone who likes me as much as i like them.

so churn baby churn. once date a week. no exceptions.

So.Much.To.Update

so.

where was I the last time i posted?

god. dating in the gay world is like dating on crack.

well. i guess this makes sense. i mean i do live on vivarin (heeyyyy jesse spano) and vodka.

but thats besides the point.

so i guess i left off where i had a date with swede and 8 pack in the week.

so swede.

great guy. went to thai tanic. then got gelato and walked around for 45 minutes. was fine. but when i was asking him about himself, like helloooo, you are from sweden. tell me everything. he was unnecessarily vague. like i had to ask him multiple times about what his family was like. and not that he said anything negative about his family, they sounded perfectly fun and great. it was like he just didnt share that information ever.

and the conversation kept going back to work. he works in IT for the govt too. granted he's on the technical side. and im on the managerial side. and for some reason our pay rate got brought up. which i found super awkward, altho working for the govt this is a totally common thing, i just really dont like it. but it was even more awkward when we realized we were the same rate. and he's 8 years older than me. anywho.

go back to his place. luckily he had his fan on, it was dusty and my contacts were going crazy. i think he could tell i just wasnt feeling it. i mean i should prolly give him another shot. but i dunno. im just not feeling it.

so 8 pack. we're texting. we meet up for drinks. have a really good time. he stays over and we cuddle. nothing serious. im lame, but i like that.

that weekend i have my housewarming. i invite him. which had the potential to be super awkward because not only was he there, but i also invited pink sock.

maybe because im partially lesbian and think its fun to invite different people im dating/hooking up with to the same social function?

maybe because i like creating my own personal version of hell?

maybe because im just dumb.

anywho. was surprisingly not awkward. even though in front of both of them, random friend, we shall call WASP (you know who you are) referenced the blog in front of both of them and asked who my date of the week was not knowing that 8 pack and pink sock were both right next to us. and then when i gave him a blank stare he asked me louder as though i had not heard him the first time.

oh. and 8 pack was asked by a friend how he knew me, and he responded in front of pink sock that 'he had gone on a date with rick.mark.steve earlier in the week.'

fun times.

but pink sock went out with the entire crew later. was buying me drinks. was super nice. but like all up on my junk and i dont want that.

so i had to pull the 'got sick in the bathroom' card and bailed. it was bad.

but it worked.

so since that weekend...its been like a week and a half.

8 pack and i have been texting. monday he met up with me and some friends at jr's for showtunes then slept over. he came over tuesday night to hang out for a few and just sleep over. then thursday i was having a particularly bad day at work and was grumpy. he took me to a quick dinner and paid (and he's a student, so i thought that was nice) to cheer me up. then i went over later that night and slept at his place and met his roommates. i also was texting with him and said thanks for cheering me up, i need to take you on an official date this weekend. and he was like, what, are the other dates we've been on fake?

which won major bonus points.

but we went out sunday day. i decide to take him to my favorite restaurant, the sou'wester at mandarin oriental. and im going to point out things that are kind of negative, but overall wasnt...just need to paint the full picture. he makes a comment about never going to the waterfront becuase he doesnt do that. and im like, dude, its still northwest. calm down. but he genuinely enjoyed lunch. said it was amazing (clearly).

and while at lunch, we had a few conversation points that were interesting. like he's not close to his family. he feels as though he has nothing in common with them, which i found odd. i think there's some things there he brushes over because he doeesn't want to deal with them, but it was a little off-putting still. also, there were something about his friends, and babies, and other things that his statements were just so extreme. like i dont notice children. they shouldnt exist.

which in all fairness, is something i would say. but i would say it to be outrageous and expect people to judge me and then id clearly show i was kidding.

but anywho. about the conversation. it flows well. we laugh. we joke. etc. but theres just a lot of things that he talks about that i dont know if its his personality traits coming out or youth. like are these statements something maturity and experience will change or is this really who he is? i dont know. i mean i know i was different two years ago until i had to really enter the real world.

but so after lunch, i had planned to do paddle boats on the tidal basin. cute right?

yeah. he was like, i dont really feel like doing that.

so we went to go see the kids are all right instead.

i mean. i guess i should have just made him do it. but i feel like if someone makes plans for something on a date, unless you are like vehemently opposed to it, you do it, right?

just totally threw me off.

so i'm at a cross roads with this boy. do i actually see if its worth it and keep going on dates...i mean we're prolly at like 10 hangouts at this point. or do i call it quits?

he definitely shows a lot of interest. he's got a ridiculous body. i'm attracted to him. but i still dont understand with his weird dieting and gym obsession why he's interested in me. i just dont get it really.

he has been trying to hang out each night this week. i kinda wanted some alone time. so i sorta pushed him off. i am gonna have dinner with him tomorrow night at my place. we'll see how it goes.

tonight after bocce im gonna hang out with another boy i met online. getting drinks to say heyyyy. so i'm still not committing to 8 pack.

and i have a long weekend away at the lake in wisconsin (thurs-tuesday). so i'll try and think things through and update you all more fully on whats going on in my head.

i feel like i have a lot to figure out.

Dating is hard Barbie

I went out with a dude I met on Craigslist this past weekend. (The date I had to postpone due to the hangover.) I think I'll call him the stepdad because he is a former stepfather. He is a smart dude, a government employee and former math professor. He didn't talk about vampires or have excess nose hair so the date was already more promising than the others.

Stepdad was really nice. The conversation was only mildly awkward. I don't think we had very much in common but he was impressed that I didn't diss math when he told me he used to teach the subject. It must suck to tell people what you do and have them wince in pain from the memory of past math tests.

I showed up to the date 12 minutes late but I let him know I would be late. He was early. I was awkward. I got a Bell's. It was delicious. He got a booth. Let me clarify, it was a mini booth. I felt even more awkward while I tried to squeeze my fat ass in a mini booth. But the nice thing was - I didn't have to sit and stare at him because it was more comfortable to sit sideways.

We talked about walking. He likes to walk. (This is the second date this month where the conversation was about walking, is that weird?) He just moved here. I keep going out with dudes who are new to the area. New revelation - I want a dude who has at least some roots here. Someone who has been in the area for a few years so he knows which bars, restaurants, parks he likes and has a group of friends. I don't want to play cruise director.

Stepdad has a former stepdaughter (he was recently divorced) who is starting college this year. That means she is likely 18 years old. I'm not sure I want to be with someone who is old enough to have a stepdaughter in college. I think I am in the minority on this but age is important to me. My first serious relationship was with a 32 year old dude when I was 24. I learned the hard way that eight years when you're in your early 20s is too much of an age difference. There tends to be a power differential when the age difference is that great. And I'm not sure I want to be with a man who isn't interested in being with a woman his own age.

I'm 31 years old and I'm getting pickier. I suppose that means that I am narrowing in on what I want in a partner. Surely that it is going to make it harder to find someone. Being in my 30s the pond is smaller as it is. I'm not sure I should be making it any shallower. But experience has taught me that just getting along isn't enough to build a life together. And I want a partner to build a life with, dammit.

Okay, back to the date. We were there for over 90 minutes and I told him I had to walk my dog. It was only partially an out - I really did have to walk my dog but I wanted to jet. He was super nice. But it wasn't a match. As we were leaving I saw a friend at the bar and I purposely ignored him and didn't make eye contact - I didn't want to introduce the stepdad.

We went outside and I told him that I had had a nice time. The goodbye was THE MOST AWKWARD GOODBYE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. It was a handshake that was almost a hug, then almost a kiss on the cheek, then almost a hug, then kind of a weird handshake/fistbump. It was awful. If I were watching I would have laughed out loud. New challenge: work on being a normal human being. Shit, I was so awkward.

I walked across the street and waited for him to turn the corner, then I retraced my steps, went back in to the bar and said, "hi" and "bye" to my friend. Then I went home and walked my dog.

All in all it was a pleasant date. Probably tied with the rat guy as the best date I've had in churning 2010. I would go out with him if he asked again though I don't think he will. He texted me later that night and said he had a good time but he guessed the dog was an out. Oops. I am the world's worst faker.

For the record: I paid for my beer.