A new leaf. And popping.

I went to speed dating tonight. It was a bit of an emotional roller coaster but all in all it was amazing! I am a new woman. I am revitalized. I feel good. I am excited. I'm not only ready to meet the love of my life but ready to have fun dating and meeting new people while I look for him.

When I first arrived at speed dating is was B-U-M-bummed. Claudia got sick and couldn't make it so I had to fly solo. I was dreading it. Worrying if I was going to make eye contact with anyone and wishing I could go home before it began. If I hadn't paid $30 up front I probably would have spent the night on my couch in my Target brand cheerleader shorts eating ice cream and watching Shark Week. But I paid the money so I went.

The first person I saw was the dude who Belle met last time we went speed dating. He was there. Again. And I couldn't judge because I was a repeat offender as well. I overheard him on the street talking about someone having shingles (ew?), took a deep breath, went inside and got a Magic Hat #9. (If you're wondering, no - he didn't recognize me. We had a four-minute mini date later in the evening and he didn't remember that a) we had a four-minute mini date last year or b) we sat across a table from each other for several hours on a double date one night last fall while he tried to woo Belle.)

As the dating started I was asked the same questions over and over again -- Where are you from? What do you do? How long have you been in DC? What do you do in your free time? Blah. Blah Blah. But then, it happened. This guy sat down. And he was different, in a cool way. He had purple hair and leather around his wrists. And I don't know how it came up but I told him that I was afraid to dance.

Side note: I am Brandon Walsh. I don't dance. When I'm sober. I've been known to cut a rug if I've had 37 too many but in general I don't dance. I don't like it because I stink. I'm horrible. Terribly intimidated and afraid of looking stupid. But I decided a couple weeks ago that this is the year I learn to like to dance. Not sure if that made sense so I'll type it again: learn to like to dance. I've been looking for dance classes.

Turns out this purple haired edgy dude is a dance teacher! I got so excited. And it wasn't fake it 'til you make it excitement but actual excitement. Huzzah! I immediately felt a change. My pulse quickened. My smile was genuine. And my eyes no longer felt sad.

I'm turning over a new leaf.
Ha! Get it? Do you see it?
It's a "new" leaf.

As a result I'm making some changes. I'm going to look at churning with a new perspective. I'm turning over a new leaf and I'm going to do the following things:

1. Delete my online dating profile. (I'll explain why I don't think online dating is for me soon.)
2. Sign up for a dance class. I will learn to like to dance! I'm either going to try popping or hip hop. Either way, this white girl whose hips only go in a rectangle is going to bust-a-move!
3. I am going to do new things - sign up for events and activities. If I am going to spend time online it's going to be to find a field trip destination with real-life people, not talking to a 31 year old dude that may actually be 900 years old with a shrunken head like in Beetlejuice.
4. Try to have fun. I am sure that this is a temporary high. I will likely be sad again soon. I anticipate this (healing process) will continue to be a series of ups and downs. But I am going to strive to have new, exciting experiences and remember that dating is just meeting new people. And I like meeting people.

I was talking with an acquaintance (and new friend - yay - I love new friends) this morning about dating and breakups and all the things that go wrong. (It's funny, when people find out you just got out of a relationship they like to talk about their dating woes.) Her advice was to do things you like so you have fun and find people who have similar interests and actually like to *do* what you like.

For example, reading that someone likes to climb trees on their online profile is very different than meeting someone while you're climbing a tree. (Note: I haven't climbed a tree in years. I will add this to the list.)

This plan is genius is in its simplicity. I'm going to *do* things that I like and try new things to see what else I find fun. And I'm going to start with a popping class. It's going to be epic. And maybe, just maybe, I'll get an email from the purple haired dance instructor.

This is the song that accompanies this entry. It's about heartbreak but I think it's fun. And I am determined to find the fun from my heartbreak. Taio Cruz - Break Your Heart ft. Ludacris

Also, this is Bryan Gaynor popping on So You Think You Can Dance, in case you're wondering what it is. Obviously I will look like a giant asshole or maybe a giant goofball. Either way, I've decided to embrace it.  Then after I teach myelf to like dancing, I'm going to work on hugs. Papa Churn would be so proud.

On y va

I'll be honest. I'm not sure if I'm ready to churn yet. It's taken me a week to even start to write this. I almost used my cat as an excuse to not write. To be fair. she's laying on my left arm right now while I watch Say Yes to the Dress on a Friday night. I'm staying in on purpose though, to save money for the rest of the weekend (including speed-dating with the amazing, 4 dates this weekend, Betti), to recoup after 2 weeks of running non-stop.

It's been a long month.

The man I thought I was to marry told me he wasn't in love with me about a month ago, and had known this for some time. We'll name him "The Republican;" they don't get much more republican than him. He came without the side of Jesus at least. I'm still caught between the "I should have known by the way he treated me" and "The way he treated me was part of who I thought he was - busy, married to the job." I'm leaning towards I should have known. I know what it's like to be loved, or at least loved the way I want -

Enter my other ex. Let's call him the Vet (as in Army veteran). I was going to go with "Ranger" but then I'd just think of those bounty hunter books. I met him through a friend while on a break with the Republican, and expected nothing but fun and perhaps a light fucking and fucking over. Except he's madly in love with me, even 9 months after we broke up. This man made contingency plans for how to take care of me in case my cat died, noticed that when I think I make a point, I purse my lips, then get up to get water. I guess I like to let people think about how awesome I am in my absence. The Vet wants to marry me, wants me to have his (second batch) of children. He has issues, of course, some from the wars, and he doesn't take care of himself - things that would need to be changed before (if) I could go back. No matter what, I want the time to myself, to churn, before anything happens.

I introduce these two men because I know that at least Vet isn't out of my life, and probably won't be. I have issues with that, booting people from my life, although I'm a-ok being Republican-free right now.

So I churn. As I said, speed dating is Sunday. And I signed up for Ok Cupid. I've already gotten an invitation to a threesome and some cut and paste prose, along with something called "winks". I haven't responded to a single one. I'm not sure how I feel about the online medium yet. I'm more looking forward to speed dating since I'll be able to find a rapport. I will see the Vet tomorrow. He's hosting a party at a club in Georgetown tomorrow. Belle is being kind enough to be my gorgeous date (heels!).

Did you know that a "unicorn" is

In swinger lingo, a single female (often bi) sought after by many couples. They are thought to be so rare that they have attained the status of mythical creatures? Me either.

I probably broke every dating rule

So I signed up for an online dating site. I think I've already written about that. And I "winked" at this dude earlier this week. Since then we have emailed back and forth 36 times. 36 times! That is ridiculous, don't you think? I think it is, yet I've participated in the ridiculocity. Until I counted today (like a Sesame Street regular) I didn't realize we had emailed so much.

Because there was so much back and forth and I had a fear it was getting to the point where it couldn't be a real thing in real life I suggested that we meet in person. I literally only have about 90 minutes free this weekend but because the fourth dude canceled on me I have a bit of time. So I asked him out for a drink tomorrow night and he wrote back and asked what I was looking for. And I answered. Honestly. I think I probably broke every dating rule in the book. But I am a bad dater, that's my M.O. I've always been a bad dater, why break the trend? I talked about love before I even met the dude. That has to be wrong, right? Anyway, I felt the need to share the email because it's kind of embarrassing and I feel the need to use the blog to keep myself in check. So this is what I wrote:

It may sound cheesy and cliche but I'm looking for love. For the guy that I can live without but would rather not. That being said, I just got out of a serious relationship at the beginning of July and I don't know how ready I am to jump into something. I just signed up for OKCupid last week so I could "put myself out there". I don't think I thought any farther than that...

I can tell you what I don't want. I am not looking for someone that has a girlfriend or a wife or wants something sexually casual. Becoming friends, hanging out and getting to know someone better slowly is one thing and I'd be interested in that. Casual sex partners isn't something I'm into. I'm not saying you are, but I thought I'd throw it out there in case that was a question.

How about you? What are you looking for?

---

And that is what I wrote. Not sure if I should be embarrassed or proud. Not sure if he'll write back. Or if he'll want to meet up. Not sure about a lot. I am only sure that I was truthful and I *want* to be ready to find love. Oh and I know that I am not looking for someone who wants to grab my arm and use a rat sighting as a line...

and we shall call him pink sock...

so i met this boy at a once a month dance party in cohi called pink sock maybe two months ago. i was drunk. he had a beard. we made out. i went back to his place. we hooked up. he had clear glasses. lived in a group house. wears plaid. room was a disaster. grew up on a country club but rejects playing golf. totally the definition of hipster.

anywho.

weeks go by. we kept chatting. got drinks with him again. nice guy, but not my type. im not going to say that im like a 10 or something (prolly more like a 7? ... well, depends on... i digress), but he's just not cute enough for me. not that he's ugly by any stretch. but he's attractive enough for a hookup and for fun, but not a real spark there if ya catch my drift.

but we gchat. he's witty. i'm witty when i try. he's fun to chat with. he wanted to hang out this week. i had a vigil to go to last night for the arizona law going in to effect, so i said he could come over for dinner and then we could do the vigil and then watch a movie. which we did.

i enjoy his company. its kind of a second grade, cut each other down but in a witty fun way relationship. we watched zombieland which was REALLY funny and i love emma stone which i cant WAIT for this movie to come out...again i digress. so its like 11pm. we're chatting. tv is off. its 1120.

me: (internal thought process: metro closes at like 11:40 or something) umm are you spending the night?

pink sock: sure

me: (internal thought process: dammit, that was more of a, why are you still here situation) ok, i need to take my contacts off lets go to bed

then we go to my room. i didnt take my clothes off. well, i mean i kept my cute armani briefs on. we cuddle, make out a little bit. then i tell him to turn over and cuddle cause im tired.

and i mean, our bodies just dont cuddle well together. he's one of those hipsters who can eat and drink to their hearts content, and still remains skinny as hell (aka people i hate). and i dont know. it just doesnt work. and when i would spoon him he'd put his arm down in a weird way that would make my hand fall asleep and id wake up in the middle of the night with dead hand. then id lay on my back in an effort to not cuddle, he'd put his head in between my arm and chest. it was just a night of trying to find the right way to cuddle. it didnt work.

all this by way of saying. he's a super nice guy. and i feel like i'm leading him on. but i genuinely enjoy his company. i think i might be making bad dating kharma by continuing this process that we seem to be in. because i keep avoiding hanging out with his friends because i dont want them to get the idea we are dating. and i dont know what to do to avoid that awkward sleepover mome.

like, how do you go from hooking up with someone and you can tell they are more interested in you but tell them it was just a hookup but you like their personality and just want to hang out...all without sounding like a tool and/or hurting their feelings? particularly when im sure i will run in to this kid at some point in the future out. i'm all about trying to not burn bridges and keep a wide social network all at the same time.

is that even something that's possible? i mean can you do that and be a normal person who might randomly hookup with people and see them again but still want to date people and find a relationship? or do you have to completely separate those two things in your life...like you can date to find a relationship or you can have fun and mess around and live in the moment...but you cant do both?

ugh. dating is hard barbie.

song: every day is a winding road - sheryl crow

trust me. this song is so accurate for my life. and for me and dating. period.

Too Much Twilight

I just got home from my first date of Churning 2: Electric Boogaloo. I met up with a dude I met online at a cool, mellow bar near my apartment. He selected it and the location couldn't have been more convenient. We chatted. It was pleasant. I had one Miller Lite (over an hour and a half) and he had a gin and tonic and a Miller Lite. There was no awkward pauses. I talked a bit too much about Twilight (yes, the horrid vampire book series that I shamefully dig) but he kept asking about it so I kept talking about it. He was extremely engaging and polite.

After an hour and 45 minutes I told him I was ready to go and we left. He walked me home and my inner monologue was going nuts -- "don't kiss me. don't kiss me. don't kiss me. don't try and make a move. why is he walking me home? is he a gentleman? or is he thinking he'll make a move? don't kiss me. don't kiss me. don't kiss me."

He said he saw a rat.

We hugged goodbye (still not a fan of hugs) and he went in for a kiss. And I gave him the cheek. I think he thought about going in for a kiss again so I opened my gate. Then he said he saw a rat. Um, what? And I wasn't sure if it was a line that he thought would get me to move towards him or if he saw a rat for real. Either way I was done. I said "goodnight" and "thank you" and went inside.

I'm not sure if there was a spark missing or if I am simply a wet match that needs to dry before a spark can ignite. I'm still not sure if I'm ready to date but it was a pleasant evening. It didn't feel romantic and I got nervous when we made eye contact but I guess it's just practice. I'm going to keep churning until I am a dry match ready for ignition.

For the record: He paid.

And then there were four

So another guy asked me out for this weekend. We're getting coffee on Saturday. I will drive. I will go to Virginia. I hear the coffee shops in Virginia have parking lots. And air conditioning. Hopefully I won't get too swampy. So that means that I have three dates this weekend and speed dating. The first one is tonight. Ah! First date since my breakup. I am... um... what's the word... terrified. I just went to the store and got a giant brownie and nachos. I'm eating my feelings. Wish me luck.

Update: I just ate a cookie. Okay, two cookies. With frosting. Okay, okay I just ate a cookie sandwich. I feel sick. I am eating because I am scared. And now I will likely have gas when I meet this dude.

Update: Saturday coffee guy (dude #4) just canceled.

and we shall call him hirshhorn...

so met a boy last week. mutual friend. met him at hirshhorn after hours (for you non-DC kids, its a smithsonian they open up once a month after hours from 8-12 and theres a bar and dj and its really fun).

it was the gay night. obvi. so i was there. loud and proud. hit it off with (as we now will aptly refer to him) hirshhorn. end up hanging out with him and mutual friends the next day too. sposed to see a movie but the AC was out at Chinatown Regal so we all got gelato and went to the portrait gallery and saw the norm rockwell exhibit (which is faboosh b t dubbs).

so after some text messaging and facebooking (along with exact replicas with roomie of scenes from he's just not that in to you, exacerbated by no cell reception at our apt due to crazy DC storms Sunday) we decided to meet up last night (altho not a full date...a, not ready for a full date but lets definitely hang out...whatever that means).

so i go in to it just happy to hang out (honestly). he seems really fun. he's 34. owns his own place. lives in the land of peace corps volunteers (mt pleasant). works at umd. confident enough in himself to admit to geeking out (as in stayed in saturday night to have a raid with others on world of warcraft...stop judging, i thought it was weirdly attractive). and yeah, he's funny.

so meet him in cohi after spin class at the gym. we're both hungry. he suggests the heights. they have allagash white on tap. im game. we go. get a booth. break bread (literally mwahaha). drink some wine (him) and allagash (me). then he asks, so wait, how do you fit in to this group?

AWKWARD.

then i say i know one of his best friends, met him right after i moved here.

hirshhorn: how?

me: online

hirshhorn: like, what online?

me: ummm

hirshhorn: [quizzical look]

me: we might have hooked up

now keep in mind. this friend. might be partnered with his other best friend. they've all been friends for like 16 years. since frosh year of college. clearly they have an open relationship. but JESUS. i wasnt quick enough on my feet to cover that shit up. so then its all "well, now we see each other like every 2 weeks, we have lunch all the time, i see him socially, he's just been a really good friend to me...blah blah"

SO BAD.

but, that was the beginning of the night. like before 9pm. and i met him at 830.

dinner ends. he suggests froyo. so we get fro.zen.yo and then sit out at the park at 14th/kenyon. talked until 11:30. it was great. no awkwardness. conversation flowed. lots of eye contact. smiling (and smiling with the eyes too, tyra would be so proud).

time to leave so i can catch last metro. hug (tight cheeks touching...no kiss, but we are cohi metro stop...not exactly a gay haven and/or approps place to kiss if we were to).

hirshhorn: i had a really good time, we definitely need to do it again, i wish you were going tubing with us saturday

me: aw i know, me too

(clearly not bathing suit ready to go tubing on a second hang out...no ma'am)

then chatted for another minute (after the goodbye) with awkward sexual tension eye stares.

so. hopefully there shall be a repeat of this one. and by hopefully i mean yes. there will be.

and ive decided im going to end each post with a tagline. my tagline will be something related to music as that's one of my biggest passions.

sia - clap your hands.

because (not that i have sadness in my life) but this relates to awakening my dating life for something more. plus, ummm, sia is just amazing and i love this song.